Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings: September 2006 Archives

Of course, all of these charges are bogus. Foley can't be a homosexual. He's a Republican after all, and thanks to you, homosexual persecution has become one of the party's main electoral strategies. Only a self-hating psychopath could be both a homosexual and a Republican, and you wouldn't have tried so hard to recruit him to run for the senate if that were the case.

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unbefuckinglievable.

September 29, 2006

Co-chair of the Missing and Exploited Children Caucus...exploits children.

Fucking fuck.

Saying he was "deeply sorry," Congressman Mark Foley (R-FL) resigned from Congress today, hours after ABC News questioned him about sexually explicit internet messages with current and former congressional pages under the age of 18.

Sorry isn't the only thing he is...deeply or otherwise.

I do not think I want to see the full report of that.

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Eat the Rich

September 29, 2006

Right on, mama:

We act as if people who are rich have somehow earned their money, and that is a lie from beginning to end. The riches come from not only valuing some work more than others, it goes back all the way to stealing land, enslaving people, and exploiting and murdering people. So today if you can 'get over' from legally exploiting people, it's all good; it's the American way. That is what this country was founded on, and this has somehow gotten laundered over the centuries into some perverted 'work ethic' belief that if you just work hard enough, YOU TOO can become rich, if you just apply yourself and pull yourself up by your bootstraps.

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Stuff.

September 29, 2006

I have not really had anything to write about for at least 3 months - at least not publically. I was thinking for awhile that I was maybe stagnating, and that a situation in my life had become too distracting and was devouring too much of my energy.

But last night I came to a realization that the situation in question is not doing either of those things. Instead, I think it is slowly causing me to focus, and the energy that it has been devouring is going to return in a different form. I am not really able to write about the situation because it's too complicated and it involves more than just me...and also because there really aren't words to describe it. I am writing about it in my private journal, but those entries are haphazard and in a language few would really understand.

I am figuring things out. What I am made of, what is important to me...what I am worth, and what is worthy of me. I have to admit that I have spent much of the past month or so in a state of occasional misery, but I am feeling great now. Strong. Unstoppable.

I don't know if that means I will start writing again. I hope it does. I miss writing publicly every day, but I still have some more stuff to figure out - not the least of which is the rearrangement of my time to allow for more writing.

There are a jumble of topics in my head right now that want to be written about but aren't fully formed. I will get to them, eventually. In the meantime, I will still be posting periodic little updates and news items and whatever else I can find to fill in the gaps.

I wish you well...

livelifelove
Lainie

Posted at 8:20 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Sadly, I think I can relate.

September 27, 2006

Black swan falls for pedal boat | World Wide Weird | The Australian

A yacht school owner, Peter Overschmidt, complained: "When I sail too close to the pedal boat, the black bird puffs up its feathers and hoots at me.
"This behaviour proves that the swan has built an attachment with the pedal boat," said biologist Dirk Wewers from the local Allwetter Zoo.

Sadly, biologists are worried that because swans are monogamous, this one will waste his life pining away for his plastic lover.

[link via zeebah]

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The Joy of Cole.

September 26, 2006

coley just came skating in here in his socks.
slipping and sliding his silly ass all over
and asked
"Why are they called socks, mom?"
"I'm always confused, mom."
"why are you confused coley?"
"Because I am always confused about WHY I am ME? Why does this soul live in THIS body?"

Posted at 6:42 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

What I am looking for.

September 24, 2006

I have finally come to the conclusion that I am truly desiring a relationship. This is not an easy thing for me to admit to, as I have somehow managed to equate needing people in the context of a romantic relationship with some sort of weakness. And it does not help that this desire is fairly needs-based. I am tired. I don't want to do this alone anymore. My life is delightful and fun and challenging and frequently blissful, but it is also really fucking exhausting. It needs to be shared - the bliss and the burden.

And how did I finally come to this conclusion? I had a dream last night that I woke up and someone had cleaned out my refrigerator for me. It was sparkling clean. And totally empty. Waiting for me to fill it with yummy food that I had time to lovingly prepare in my not-cleaned-by-me kitchen. I felt so good in my dream that I was nearly orgasmic.

So, yeah. Fuck all of this shit about love anarchy and wanting to recreate the rules of love relationships. Evidently, all I need is to find one motherfucking person who will clean my fridge, and I will be content and fulfilled.

Hahahaha.

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Balance

September 24, 2006

Yesterday marked the autumnal equinox, which means there is, at the very least, one thing in the world that is somewhat balanced. It also prompts me to examine and work towards eliminating the accumulated detritus of imbalance in my life.

There is a relationship in my life right now that is absolutely imbalanced. I am eyeing it closely, trying to figure out whether it is worth trying to bring it into alignment, or whether to work towards ridding myself of it completely. Either option will require work...and it is difficult to say which will require more work. I guess the difference is the former requires work of myself and the other person, and the latter puts all of the responsibility for the work squarely on my shoulders.

I hate that people can be so wonderful and yet present so many barriers to enjoy that wonder. And I hate that I can't be more fucking mercenary when it comes to decisions like this. It also bothers me that in the past when I have attempted to resolve these issues, I end up being the one that compromises my comfort for the comfort of the other person. I allow myself to be convinced that what I am asking for is impossible and therefore I must swallow my dissatisfaction and accept what I am given. To a certain extent, this is ok -- to the extent that the other person might also be challenged to grow and accept and accommodate. But there are times when I give in too easily and feel that I am doing all of the accommodating. I believe this is my fault, but the choice to abandon the relationship completely is also mine to make, so there is that out. Every time I make that choice...it feels almost instantly wrong, and I set about seeing what I can do to make things right.

Imbalance.

The larger issue here, though, is what I am losing in the meantime. The constant energy that is absorbed in attempting to correct the imbalance impacts everything else in my life, and knocks even the relatively harmonious aspects of my life into a state of chaotic disarray, and not in a good way.

So, blah. I feel like I lose either way. If I give up, I lose the wonderful things about this relationship that have made it worth fighting for. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a fighter, and I hate feeling like I have given up on something or someone too easily. However, if I hang in, I risk knocking my entire little universe even more off-kilter than I already have. Although I do enjoy drama and chaos more than the average person, I am really craving a tiny little oasis of peace in the midst of all of this. It is not something I can even ask for advice about, because the only person who truly knows the right choice is me...and I'm too dizzy to make up my mind right now.

Perhaps if I step off the ride for a bit and clear my head, I will be able to make a wise decision. Perhaps I am getting some enjoyment from the ride itself, and the prospect of stepping off is simply not appealing to me.

Hahahaha.

Ah. I am a mess. Let's just hope the equal balance of day and night will somehow inspire me to come up with a solution I can feel satisfied with. Or perhaps the solution is to focus on bringing the rest of my life into balance and allow the messy disarray in this one relationship to exist as a reminder of the beauty, joy, tragedy, and sadness of life itself. In other words, to not let me forget that in the end, I really don't know anything, and I can't control everything. And that is ok.

Posted at 1:33 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Chavez, Venezuela, Chomsky, and the Devil

September 24, 2006

Yes, I know this is a bit late, and you have probably all heard about this already...

The event:

&, you know...I don't care what Jon Stewart says...I think Chavez made his point in an intelligent and humorous manner. I don't think he is batshit crazy. I think he knows exactly what he is doing & while he is still a world leader and therefore most likely not motivated entirely by good, he is still doing good things by speaking out - Certainly not without considerable risk to himself.

The almost instantaneous backlash:
Venezuelan official detained at U.S. airport

Maduro said authorities at one point ordered him and other officials to spread their arms and legs and be frisked, but he said they forcefully refused. He said officers also threatened to handcuff him.
"We responded with the dignity of Venezuelan revolutionaries ... with strength," Maduro told reporters at Venezuela's mission to the U.N. "It's a Nazi government, a racist government."

If this is how U.S. authorities treat a foreign minister, he said, "what won't they do to Arab people for wearing a turban?"

He said his passport and ticket were seized and eventually returned, but the incident prevented him from flying home Saturday.

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teaching enlightened nonattachment through video games

September 22, 2006

Cole, age 5, is watching Monk, age 9, play Sonic the Hedgehog. He is on that level where there is a pinball theme and a slot machine theme, and when you land in the slot machine, you get coins if you get three matching squares and you lose coins when the three matching squares are Doctor Robotnik, the villain of the game.

So Coley says: "Do you only lose coins when you get Dr. Robotnick?"
Monk says: "Yes."
And Coley answers: "So if you don't have any coins, you don't lose anything."

Posted at 3:52 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

This article makes me happy

September 19, 2006

The breast of times | Salon Life

If asked to explain why this is right for my own child, I would answer by asking whether it might not be right for many children, if their mothers' inclinations and social support allowed. I might cite anthropologist Katherine Dettwyler, whose research posits a natural biological age for weaning of 2.5 to 7 years, or add that my son is unremarkable, globally speaking: The worldwide average age of weaning is 4.2 years. But there are few facts beyond these to offer.
No matter; in this, as in many other parenting dilemmas, I've come to rest as much on hope as on fact, and more on our own idiosyncratic story than on any official one. Dostoevski wrote that a single happy memory might be all man needs to avoid despair. My son will probably have many. Maybe one of them will be one I share, one involving the ABCs and a few peaceful moments at the edge of sleep. And maybe one day that will matter more than either of us can know right now.

So I will just enjoy it and let Jill pick apart the nasty comments that ensue.

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When a matchbox is just TOO BIG

September 19, 2006

BBC NEWS | Technology | Projector size of sugar cube made

A video projector that is the size of a sugar cube has been created by researchers.

I am posting this because I have to lug projectors around on occasion, and the idea of a projector the size of a sugarcube is quite appealing to me, however...

Other laser-based video projectors have been created, but have been limited to the size of a matchbox.

...have we really become such anti-size queens that a matchbox is JUST TOO BIG?

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Love

September 13, 2006

The boys have been up since negative o'clock thirty this morning. They brought me toasted freezer waffles with raspberries and a cup of orange juice for breakfast before the sun even came up, and they have been up running around, screaming, giggling, playing, and causing general havok ever since. How on earth am I supposed to be cranky and exasperated with them when they brought me breakfast in bed?

I have been thinking about love. Not this love that causes me to refrain from murderlizing my waking-me-up-at-negative-o'clock-thirty children because they are sweet and silly, but romantic love. I am craving something epic. Something sweet. I am wanting the kind of love that causes me to write silly love screeds and have them returned. I am desiring the kind of love that involves toe curling cuddlishness and maybe even cut flowers. I am considering the kind of love that involves waking up in the middle of the night to watch someone sleep, even if they snore and drool. I am wishing for the kind of love that shares responsibility as well as encouraging wreckless abandon. You know? THAT kind of love. The kind I usually give...only, like, mutual.

It is all the fortune cookie's fault. I took myself out for Chinese buffet yesterday, and my fortune said that soon I would have a great deal of love in my life, and that I will be blessed. I snorted, and my mind snapped to its usual defensive state of "I am already blessed! Stupid fortune cookie!" but then I thought...um, no. There are certain areas in which I am decidedly not blessed. I keep seeing people around me in snuggly smile-when-you-talk-about-the-other-person love, and I am ENVIOUS, not blessed. hahaha. I mean, oh yes...am I ever blessed with love in some regards. I certainly can't complain. But I have an ache. And when I get to aching...watch it the fuck out!

So, when my peaceful sleep was interrupted by my squealing children this morning, I started thinking about it again. Thinking about my mom, and how she never seemed to have any love in her life after she divorced my dad. About how she gave up on love. How tempting it has been for me to give up on love, or settle for people I love, but who don't really love me back in the way I need to be loved. But I look at these children, and think about how nice it would be for them to witness the kind of love that I am craving. And I know it is not something that can be forced or demanded...but yeah. I can desire it. Ain't nothing wrong with good old fashioned desire. And so, that's just what I will do. I will sit here and desire a big, old, sappy, keep-me-warm-when-it-gets-cold love affair. Certainly if I wander around with this forlorn look in my eyes for any length of time, some fellow sap will snatch me up. Right?

Posted at 8:10 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Daniel Francis Doyle

September 8, 2006

Well, boobs to all of the stupid stupidheads who didn't want to come out to see Daniel Francis Doyle with me last night. Undeterred, I made my way down to sixth street by myself, found a reasonably good (if a bit secluded for my liking) parking place, and marched my ass over to Emo's.

I kept trying to quell my late-for-things anxiety by repeating the mantra "It's a rock and roll show...those NEVER start on time." and although I did manage to quell my anxiety, I was WRONG.

It was 10:10ish when I arrived, and Mr. Doyle had already worked up a frothy sweat. The sparse crowd was all standing 20-30 feet away from the stage. I think they were somewhat taken aback...although they did applaud enthusiastically.

Let me describe DFD to you. The man...is amazing. He basically plays a guitar loop, maybe a few of them. Records it. Then seats himself gingerly at his drum kit, with one shoe off and one shoe on, and proceeds to pound the living shit out of his drums, moan and yell and emote into his microphone, and every once in awhile, with precision accuracy, cues the guitar loop with a foot pedal operated by his unshod foot. I guess he needs extra sensitivity in that foot because the sounds he produces are quite amazing. It is difficult to believe that one person can accomplish what he accomplishes.

But more than the musicianship is the fucking raw sincerity of this man who is sitting there nearly falling over himself with the energy that eventually gets transferred to the drums. And his words. And the sweat. And the heavy breathing. It is sexy and honest and I don't even care whether or not you like the music you cannot ignore this artist.

People in the audience were at times even uncomfortable. During some of the more raw moments in one of the songs, some people laughed. I don't believe Daniel Francis Doyle is joking around, but sometimes you have to smile at someone who is spilling himself all over his drum set, trying to get a point across. I get that. I can relate.

And then, it is over. The set ended a little before 10:30. I paid 8 bux to see a 15 minute performance, and I couldn't have been happier. Mr. Doyle transformed into a regular guy and I stepped out to walk down 6th street for a slice of greezy pizza from the punk rock pizza stand (or heavy metal, depending on the mood of the pizza slinger, I suppose).

When I got back to the club, DFD was selling records as if he hadn't just bled all over the stage, and some dumb band called the Czars or something were dressed up in caftans or something playing some weird combination of ska and something else. I'm afraid it was a bit too gimmicky for me (yes, Christopher...if you are reading this...there IS such a thing as too gimmicky for Lainie) so I left around the middle of their first song, traipsed off to my car all aglow with appreciation for musical artistry and genius and flat out balls out sincerity.

I mean it. Daniel Francis Doyle is an experience not to be missed. You have never seen anything like him, and it is unlikely that you ever will again.

As an aside...I am finding that as I get older, the angstier the music is, the happier it makes me...provided it is honest angst. At some point, I stopped empathizing with the angst so much, and began to really appreciate the expression. Nothing fills me with love of life more than a good, honest musician telling a tale of absolute misery and woe. Getting it out there. Applying some sort of artistic integrity to it. Sharing. It makes me grin and grin and grin. And so it is that I ended yesterday grinning. Spent the rest of the evening taking silly pictures of myself and going for a walk and smiling from the inside out.

Posted at 9:40 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Believe the Hype

September 6, 2006

Pretty much I am just popping in to say that all of the good things you have heard about _Little Miss Sunshine_ are all TRUE. It is flawless. As a person who fancies myself a writer, I was amazed at the integrity of the characters and the plot and all of the settings. Everything seemed plausible, even the ridiculous implausibility of it...like those times in our lives when we take a moment to pause and think "Holy fucking shit! This is unbelievable! If this was a movie, no one would believe this shit!"...THAT kind of plausibility.

I loved that all of the characters were so well-rounded and human, and the realness of how the humanity of some of the characters was buried under a totally transparent film of attempted cynicism, or over-optimism. It seems like the only two characters who were unafraid to be fully human and expressive were the mom and Little Miss Sunshine herself. But we weren't forced to look at the other characters in a less favorable light because of this, we just accepted them for who they were...loved them, even - perhaps more than the others - for their fragility that caused them to nurture that film of cynicism in the first place.

Truly it is a beautiful film. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. I laughed. I cried. I laughed a fuck of a lot more. And I left the theater filled with an appreciation for all of the beautiful perfectly fucked up and wonderful people in my life.

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Holy shit fuckin' a, do I ever love this band.

September 4, 2006

I want to marry them.

Posted at 11:27 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

What is wrong with this country. (period)

September 3, 2006

me: oh fucking god.
There is a commercial
shit!
what the fuck is wrong with this country?
There is a commercial for a fucking cash america store
with a little girl who needs to go to the hospital
so her mom has to go to cash america to get a cash advance.
I want to gouge my eyes out.
I can't handle television, man.
Chris: hehe
yeah we should have at least universal free health care for kids
I mean
who's against that idea
me: well
cash america
for one.

***
That about sums it up, doesn't it?

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