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« September 2006 | Main | November 2006 »
We are all bound by the limitations of others.
October 26, 2006
I never had a curfew when I was living with my mom. I sometimes wonder whether my mom was that invested in my freedom, or whether she was just plain brilliant. She must have known, on some level, that my friends all had curfews, and therefore I would always be home at a decent hour by default.
An email from a friend has me thinking about the fact that freedom is relative to the people you relate to. We are all bound by the limitations of others we care about. Those who want to cast anarchism as a selfish, amoral, unethical system of beliefs don't get that love exists in anarchy, and in love we make adjustments for other people, even if it means compromising freedom. We all make these choices every day. It is in working together with love and compassion that we all progress towards true liberation.
Now We Are Six.
October 24, 2006
Coley turns six today. He was born around 8 PM (ish) on this day 6 years ago in this very room on that very bed. And what a crazy 6 years it has been.
We are celebrating by going to Waffle House for lunch (his choice) and by shopping for decorations for his spooky birthday party, and choosing songs for his birthday mix cd.
Happy birthday, my birdy boy!
950 Iraqis killed in war-related violence this month.
October 23, 2006
cbs13.com - Diplomat Says He 'Misspoke' On Iraq
Sunday's killings raised to at least 950 the number of Iraqis who have died in war-related violence this month, an average of more than 40 a day. Until this month, the daily average had been about 27. The AP count includes civilians, government officials and police and security forces, and is considered a minimum based on AP reporting. The actual number is likely higher, as many killings go unreported. The United Nations has said at least 100 Iraqis are now killed daily.
I just felt like someone needed to put that out there all prominent-like, as I haven't heard that statistic being shouted from the rooftops as it SHOULD BE.
ONE HUNDRED IRAQIS A DAY are being killed in this war. ONE HUNDRED A DAY. Does this not disturb anyone?
The life of the mother of a rock star?
October 21, 2006
I was awoken at 5:30 in the morning one day this week and proceeded to spend the next 2 hours cleaning up vomit and shit in various forms.
I am either the mother of a rock star, or of a weak-stomached nearly-6 year old. You decide.
A conversation with cole
October 17, 2006
Walking out to the van today, coley took a deep breath, and said..."Mom, don't you love the way the air smells this time of night?"
Later, walking out to the van after an errand, we had this conversation:
Cole: I love the way the sky looks at sunset
Mom: Yes! I love the colors and the way things look against the sky
Cole: I love those clouds over there, and I can even see a star. It goes from black to blue to...I love the orange the best.
Mom: You know what Iove the best?
Cole: What?
Mom: I love that you notice things like this.
Cole: Yeah.
[pause]
Cole: I bet you also love that you don't have a son who is obsessed with BEER.
hahahahaha
At what point does the expression of desire equal coercion?
October 17, 2006
The kids and I are reading the last Lemony Snicket book - The End. The setting of the book so far is a desert island, pseudo-utopia, in which the facilitator is often heard to say "I don't want to force you, but..." before he gives his opinion or advice on a matter. The islanders always comply.
This is making me think about a situation in which I am somewhat of a facilitator. I wonder if the expression of desire causes the same kind of coercion as the expression of an opinion. If I am looked to as someone who provides support, guidance, and feedback...that is a damn powerful position to be put in. It almost seems as if being placed in that position causes me to have to maintain neutrality to provide the best facilitation possible. Even though I desire something different.
In the Snicket book, the facilitator advises a very spartan lifestyle for the islanders, and advises (without forcing, mind you) that almost all items that are washed ashore be tossed into a large area that harbors many treasures that the facilitator feels might cause unrest if they are allowed to be kept in the colony. Meanwhile, the facilitator frequents a secret lair in which several comfort items have found safe harbor and which he puts to use.
For myself, I am feeling like I am the one who is forced by my role as facilitator to live a spartan existence, while the person I am facilitating gets to partake in things that I desire but am bound by my weird sense of ethics to leave unexpressed. I don't feel like a martyr, and it's not pity I crave...it is just interesting how we are all bound by one thing or another. With all my heart, I want to break free of this role. I am not sure what keeps me here. Is it really the fear that my expression of desire would cause me to be less neutral? Or is it that I am using my role as facilitator as an excuse to leave desires unexpressed for fear they are not reciprical? Or is it just that I find as much satisfaction in my role as facilitator, in spite of the supression of desire, as I would in expressing desire? Perhaps it is just plain good practice for me to keep my mouth shut for once about what I want. To keep my feelings to myself, rather than spill them all over the place.
I guess either way it is best to be silent for now, until I figure it all out. After all, I wouldn't want to rock the boat.
Sue's Last Ride
October 14, 2006
Lainie (10/13/2006 10:44:27 PM): this Dirty Three song is so freaking sexy.
Lainie (10/13/2006 10:44:33 PM): ouch.
Lainie (10/13/2006 10:45:04 PM): it like goes
Lainie (10/13/2006 10:45:06 PM): and then it stops
Lainie (10/13/2006 10:45:13 PM): and then it lingers for a bit
Lainie (10/13/2006 10:45:17 PM): and then it goes again
Lainie (10/13/2006 10:45:24 PM): and builds and builds and builds
Lainie (10/13/2006 10:45:26 PM): and, well.
Lainie (10/13/2006 10:45:32 PM): Then it explodes.
Lainie (10/13/2006 10:45:50 PM): in a million different directions.
Lainie (10/13/2006 10:46:25 PM): and then it comes back together again, only faster.
Lainie (10/13/2006 10:46:28 PM): and more intense.
Lainie (10/13/2006 10:47:11 PM): and it actually screeches to a halt.
Chris (10/13/2006 10:47:52 PM): yeah, the thing I don't like about dirty three is that sometimes there is this overly sweet/country esque folk ballady thing that takes over
Chris (10/13/2006 10:47:56 PM): and ruins the good stuff
Chris (10/13/2006 10:47:59 PM): then it goes away
Chris (10/13/2006 10:48:02 PM): back to the good stuff
Chris (10/13/2006 10:48:03 PM): hehe
Lainie (10/13/2006 10:48:19 PM): Well, this one doesn't really have any of that.
Lainie (10/13/2006 10:48:30 PM): maybe it starts off sentimental at the beginning.
Lainie (10/13/2006 10:48:44 PM): But the guy has total violin sex all over the place about 15 seconds in.
Love.
October 14, 2006
I am sorry if I seem obsessed with this topic lately. Hahaha. I have been involved in a very long - like 6-month long - conversation about love and insanity and hope and weighing needs against ideals and everything like that. It is neverending. The person I am having this conversation with is crazy and beautiful and amazing and wise and kind...and sometimes the opposite of all of that. There are times when I feel like I am in love with him, and there are times when I feel like that would be the absolute dumbest idea in the world. But either way, this whole epic discussion is making me think. Hard. About what I value, what I need, what I want...and what I am willing to compromise. And, really, either way it is moot. Because we will most likely never be together...for various reasons - some his and some mine.
It sounds both more and less tragic than it actually is. You know? On the one hand, how wonderful that I have this person with whom I can share so much without having to worry about all of that relationship crap with. On the other hand...there are times when the idea of us together is painfully desirable, and the reasons why we can't be are almost Shakespearian in drama and in convolution. Of course, there are also simple and logistical reasons for the way things are, but that's no fun to focus on! Hahaha.
But anyway, I keep having these really revelatory conversations with this person that seem to apply only to him or me or him and me, but in actuality are fairly universal. I should probably look back on them in times of distance to see what I can dig up. But recently, there has been a lot having to do with safety and honesty and whether you can actually preserve stability by being dishonest. I guess I had never considered before that honesty can cause instability, and that people need to be prepared to deal with that consequence if they choose to be honest. And that some people choose to be dishonest rather than risk causing instability.
I am also learning a lot about trusting my instincts to love people. And to allow second and third and fourth chances. And allowing someone to give me second and third and fourth chances. It is a friendship, but it is way deeper than that. It is painful, but it gives so much wisdom and fulfillment in return. I feel like, yeah, like there is a reason this person is in my life in the way that he is. I am thankful for his presence even though sometimes I want to kick him in the shins and stick my tongue out at him. He is a challenge, and he is delightful. He is a stubborn, obnoxious brat, and he is adorable. He is my friend, and I love him without measure.
What more can I say?
An apt quote for my mood...
October 13, 2006
From The Proposition:
Samuel Stote: What's a misanthrope? Two Bob: A misanthrope is a bugger who hates every other bugger. Samuel Stote: Are we misanthropes? Arthur Burns: Lord no! We're family.
Off the Docket
October 9, 2006
This morning found me at the county courthouse trying to take care of a legal issue that has been dragging me down on and off for a year now. It's nothing major - just a stupid financial thingy. One of the many fallouts from the divorce. I keep thinking that once I get this matter settled for once and for all, I will finally be rid of all of the extraneous leftover marital bullshit. At least the external stuff.
Funny, then, that even though I had months to prepare for this court hearing...and even though I suffered through my vacation, thinking the court date was LAST Monday and that I was just not emotionally capable of dealing with preparing for and going to court by myself...I found myself in a panicked frenzy last night, pulling documentation together to prove my case and imploring random strangers on various websites for advice and information.
Only to find when I arrived at court today that I am not on the docket. The opposing attorney postponed the hearing because they felt they didn't give me adequate notice. I am going to take this as a sign that they know they don't really have a case against me and actually act accordingly, rather than postponing my action until the last minute yet again.
It occurs to me that much of the stress in my life is generated through my insistence upon procrastination, and my refusal to face things head on. Of course, I came to this conclusion when this whole thing started a year ago, and I still didn't learn my lesson, but perhaps this time I will. Hahaha. I am procrastinating having to deal with my issues of procrastination!
And as much as I like to think that this tendency to procrastinate is limited to my external circumstances, I am starting to think that I am procrastinating dealing with some emotional fallout from the divorce, as well. I realized last week that I am spending a lot of time finding ways to distract myself and get out of my head and heart rather than face head-on the significant emotional baggage I am carrying as a result of the divorce and the three years or so of hell that led up to the divorce. Things bubble up, and I find a way to put a cap on it. Like I said...optimism is good thing, but there is a fine line between optimism and avoidance.
That said, I need to reform my rhythm with an emphasis on emotional honesty. Part of my healing process involved sharing my struggles openly in a public space. I think that was a healthy thing for me to do...and I think I need to get back in the habit of doing it. I have always believed that, insignificant though my life maybe be in the grand scheme of things, the more we share, the easier it becomes.
In fact, I proved that theory just last night when I revealed to my friend H the cause of my jitteriness and he confessed some similar concerns of his own. The healing is in the sharing. Both the giving and the receiving of it. It's not the easiest thing in the world to do, but damnit, it has value. I have value. You have value. And it is about time that we all testify.
ha! Can I get a witness?
Male Friends...
October 8, 2006
Is there some sort of unwritten man rule that states it is a necessity for single, childless men to tell me or confirm for me how unlikely it will be for me to ever find a man because I have kids...or because I am too old or too busy or too whatever.
I mean, seriously...is this supposed to be encouraging?
A little hint for all of you men out there. When your female friends come to you feeling like crap because they are having difficulty finding people they can relate to, it's probably a good idea to not make them feel further alienated by revealing your own personal dating prejudices. Even if you have to lie. Fuck it. If we are friends, and not dating, I GET that there is a reason (whether it is mine or yours) but I don't need to hear that reason expanded to include every man on earth. You can't even fucking know that anyway, so why not just, you know, give a nice pep talk and send me on my merry way?
Of course, I'm so freaking stubborn that hearing someone say I will never find anyone who is willing to deal with my circumstances only makes me want to disprove the jackass who said it in the first place. So, who knows, maybe these male friends of mine know me better than I am giving them credit for.
Or maybe the fact that they are male friends proves that I am developing the art of discernment and will actually be able to choose a romantic partner who is not an insensitive ass.
Ha!
Butterflies, or On Optimism.
October 8, 2006
I can tell it's the Monarch Migration season, because those fuckers are all over the place. I thought I was seeing things for awhile today...and then I thought maybe I was just seeing leaves blowing up all over the place, but I realized there is no wind and I am not hallucinating. Those little leaflike things have wings, and they are frantically beating their way across intersections and over fields. Those that make it.
Before today, I had never really considered the difficulty butterflies have in urban situations. When I think of butterflies, I think of flitting critters in gardens and across meadows. Once those babies hit the open highway, though, it doesn't take much for their precarious aerodynamics to be overpowered by the downsuck of passing automobiles. And it's weird that I have never really considered this, because we have studied monarch migration before - in both spring and fall. I always got the wonder and beauty of nature, but never the grit and tenacity. And, yeah, maybe it is strictly hard-wired behavior, but that hard-wiring had to evolve from somewhere, right? Some biological urgency created the biological need for such single-mindedness. I think it counts. I think that butterflies are optimistic.
I sent an email to a friend yesterday attempting to explain my state of mind of late. I mentioned something about how I am generally optimistic and yet sometimes the...facade (and here I mentioned facade was the wrong metaphor but I also mentioned I am a hack and could think of none better) peels away and reveals utter hopelessness. Well, maybe I am not such a hack, because today it occured to me that it is not a facade. That my joy and optimism are sincere, but they are also focused, and it is when I am forced to pan out that it can start to appear that my focus is a tiny little oasis of green in the midst of some pretty fucking grim panorama.
Of course, if I were to pan out more, I might see other oases that are equally seemingly isolated - yet connected somehow.
Ultimately, it is my choice what I focus on and how far in or out I zoom. Optimism is important, but it is also important to look up and note the lay of the land every once in awhile - and to fully understand my place in it. When I do this, I am like those millions of monarchs struggling against the downdraft of vehicles whizzing by, trying to keep myself from splattering on a windshield or being sucked into an exhaust pipe. In other words, it's hard freaking work. I need to recognize that, reward myself, and give myself the space I need to regain my energy and strength and flutter off again in that seemingly haphazard yet absolutely methodical way that butterflies make their journey.
Cast Adrift
October 5, 2006
Being someone who has somewhat out-of-the-mainstream personal and political ideals sometimes presents critical challenges. For one thing, it takes a fuck of a long time to find people who have similar ideals with whom to cultivate community. Not that I can't cultivate community with dissimilar folks, but there are certain ideals that I hold that REQUIRE a certain amount of "on-the-same-page"ism in order for a relationship to work.
However, it is also true that being outside of the mainstream in political and personal ideals presents logistical challenges which frequently lead to the necessity of compromising those ideals in the name of sanity...or at least convenience. Which is totally understandable to me, but nevertheless disconcerting when close friends become victims of necessity.
I woke up the other day and suddenly realized the community I worked hard to cultivate has disappeared - or at least shifted dramatically. I spent about a day this week in crisis mode, wondering where the fuck I was going to find like-minded folks to recreate some measure of what I have lost...not to mention the time to do that. I have to admit, I started to feel somewhat hopeless about the whole thing, wanting to just say FUCK IT ALL. Why DO I always choose the difficult things? Is it stubbornness on my part, or is it a sincere desire to enact change through the little bit of personal activism I am capable of participating in?
It was M who pulled me out. I went to pick up her son for our daily routine, and I mentioned this shift in ideal of our other, mutualish friend. I told M I was feeling somewhat cast adrift by the whole thing. She looked at me and asked flat out whether I was considering the same shift. "No! No...absolutely not." and then she said, simply "Well, we won't abandon you, Lainie. We are in this together."
I know it sounds incredibly cheesy, but wow, did that ever knock me on my ass. I almost cried. Yes, I have abandonment issues that extend to my political beliefs. hahaha. But, also...just having someone fill a need with the perfect words was like having a life preserver tossed to me. Granted, there is a long rope on that sucker, and it will take some time for me to find my way all the way back to the boat...but perhaps along the way I will pick up others who have been cast adrift and we can all get reeled back in together.
And, so it is. This constant ebb and flow. This everlasting shifting of friends, perspectives, ideology. It has always been this way, and probably always will be. I just have to remind myself that I never have had to tread water for very long, and even if I do - I am a fucking strong swimmer and I can do any god damn thing I want.
So, um, just out of curiosity...are there any austin area homeschoolers who are somewhat freakish and way left on the political spectrum who might want to help me rebuild my battered community? I'm currently accepting applications.
(I should add that this shift in my friends' ideology - or at least practice - has in no way altered my love for them...it has just presented certain logistical challenges to our relationships that weren't there previously. I totally understand the decisions that have been made, and they have absolutely nothing to do with me, personally. They are decisions that have been made for good reasons, and I totally support those decisions.)
Rocky Mountain Railroad blogging
October 2, 2006
Wooster Collective: BREAKING: The Story Disneyland Doesn't Want You To Know
Families visiting Disneyland on their holiday this week saw a life-size Guantanamo bay inmate standing inside the Rocky Mountain Railroad ride at Disneyland in Anaheim California.
Alignment
October 1, 2006
All I am saying is that when I have to choose between my head and my heart, and I choose my heart, thereby forcing my head to realign, I am almost never disappointed. When I give someone a chance to be as beautiful as I think they are, without interfering with unrealistic expectations and doubt...I am almost never disappointed.
The challenge lies in keeping my head straight and my expectations realistic. Once I master that shit, I'll be golden, baby!