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« A different kind of blue hair vote | Main | Writer's Block »
Inclusion
November 13, 2006
I am trying to go back to church. Not CHURCH church, as anyone who actually reads this blog knows I am a shameless heathen, but the UU church, where they accept my skeptical-optimistic ass down to the last dimple. Although, I don't know. The interim minister dude they have there mentions the G word way more than I can bear.
Which is why I found myself in Coley's* classroom yesterday, sitting on a tiny chair while he steadfastly refused to participate. First, he refused to color, then he refused to sit in the circle and share a story about his week, then he refused to watch the PUPPET SHOW (a puppet show that was, ironically, a native american tale about humility and gratitude. Then he got to play on the playground, which actually pleased his majesty. Then we went home.
In the past, when Coley has behaved this way, I have felt frustrated and victimized. Yes, victimized. In my frustrated mama brain, Sunday at church after a long weekend of having the kids with me nonstop is a time to recharge and not deal with the constant petty arguing. Coley's refusal to participate forces me to focus on him and his consistent refusal to go with the flow, and interrupts my hour of sitting idle that I have come to enjoy. Yesterday, however, since I really can't stand the interim preacher anyway, I simply stuck with Cole and observed, along with the R.E. teacher. And towards the end of the hour, to prove that he was listening even though he had spent the entire puppet show scribbling on a piece of paper with maker, he actually contributed something to the discussion. They had been talking about humility and gratitude as it relates to providing for those less fortunate. The instructor was moving the conversation towards a project where the uu youngsters are going to gather goods for the homeless, so she was talking about the things someone might need if they didn't have a home. The children were all interjecting items we could provide to keep people who didn't have shelter warm in the winter. "Boots!" "Gloves!" "Blankets!" and Coley, calmly scribbling away, pretending not to listen or care, said "A home!"
Hey, it wasn't universal health care, but I was proud of his little logician's brain in his little artist's body.
It occurred to me then, and double occurs to me now that Coley is not the only reason I have had a difficult time connecting with people at that church. I think it's the same reason I have trouble connecting with people in general as I get older. Mostly it is about me. I mean, it is not like people intentionally make me feel excluded. But I get tired of the attitude among the people I hang out with of "the poor" as this other entity that we must reach out to and provide goods to. Not because I am necessarily one of "the poor" - although in most situations I find myself in, I am probably less wealthy than 90% of the people in the room, but because it just feels odd and awkward. And it's not just about finances. In the last week, I have felt othered based on age, education, and marital status, as well.
I admit that I am generally an overly-sensitive sap about these things, but it does get tiring, regardless.
However, being of a solutions-oriented, generally optimistic mindset, I learned a lesson yesterday. In fact, I learned more from the story about humility and gratitude and from watching my kiddo otherize himself than I would have ever learned from the loathed interim minister. I figured out that, duh, I only get what I put in. In all of those conversations during the week where I felt as if my experience was being excluded, at LEAST the exclusion wasn't hostile or aggressive. AT LEAST I have the option to give voice to my experience without fearing further alienation. In choosing not to, I am being like my son - standing on the outskirts with my arms crossed. However, I also need to be kind to myself - as I was with my son. Sometimes I just NEED to stand on the outskirts. Sometimes it is tiring to have to assert myself as the odd woman out (even if in so doing I frequently discover I am not the only odd woman out) and sometimes I need to allow myself the space to build up the energy to contribute my thoughts.
And, too...I can't just blame myself. How much responsibility does a community have to actively attempt to include people? Last night on my walk, in thinking of ways I can participate in the community, I thought maybe I should start a single mom's group. And then I laughed, because I thought "Why isn't there ALREADY a single mom's group there?" and quickly was overcome with the prospect of having to organize ANYTHING in the midst of my chaotic, disorganized swirl of a life. So, how much of that is the church's responsibility? Or the responsibility of any given community?
I am not sure. All I know is that I crave some sort of community in which I am not quite such a freaking oddball. Perhaps it is true that I will have to create it myself. I am not sure how I am going to find the time, but it is becoming increasingly more important as my life gets more and more stressful.
*As an aside, we stopped going to church due to Coley's antics during a lovely flower communion. Coley has...certain issues...that cause him to behave inappropriately at the least opportune times. He's actually quite a challenge. So it was that when I showed up in church yesterday, the director of the R.E. program squealed delightedly "Oh look! It's MONK!" and then her delight slowly diminished as she said "And...Monk's mom...and, um, Monk's brother." So, yeah...Monk is well-loved at church, even if his demon-spawn brother and his hapless mother is maybe not.
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Comments
I can be right in the thick of things when I want to, but sometimes (a LOT of times)... I feel like I'm on the outside looking in.
Re: the single mom's group. I'd say it's a combined responsibility.... it would be nice if the church would RECOGNIZE that there's a need & establish one. But sometimes people are blind to what's happening until they have it pointed out to them. You can't be the only one who's wanted a group like that-- maybe there have been lots of people who started attending, but left because they didn't feel needs were being met.
Would you necessarily have to be the one in charge if you asked about starting a group? Maybe once the word got out, someone else would be willing to do the organizing. It's worth a shot....
Interesting. I'm on the outskirts with crossed arms too. Most of the time though, it suits me. I'm a loner at heart and a community-person in my ideals. I try to find the proper line to thread in between. It's not always easy. And now you've given me lots to think about.