Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings: January 2007 Archives

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« December 2006 | Main | February 2007 »

The Boys

January 29, 2007

This weekend has been full of silly comments and much laughter between the kiddos and myself.

We have been listening to a lot of Michael Franti in the car, and Monk reminded me of when Cole used to think that, instead of "All the freaky people make the beauty of the world"...Cole thought he was saying "All the freakin' people make the beauty of the world." This got them on a spree of turning the ever-present positivity of Franti's lyrics into glum doomsdaying which, of course, prompted me to yell (jokingly) "SHUT UP and listen to the happy music!"

Also, suddenly my children have become the fashion police. The other day, I wanted to wear shorts to show off my newly shaved legs (I got some free razors in the mail, so I figured I might as well use them!) but it was still a bit cold, so I wore a sweater. Coley informed me that "it's just wrong" to wear a sweater with shorts. Of course, Monk shudders whenever I wear socks with my crocks.

Granted, I am fully aware of the fact that I am no fashion queen. But I wish they would at least allow me to wear pajamas without fear of being critiqued. The other night, my black sweats and grey sweatshirt were in the wash, so I donned an old pair of aqua sweatpants with a hot pink sweatshirt. My mom actually gave me this ensemble when I had a similar pajama emergency last time I visited her in Chicago. I emerged from my bedroom feeling refreshed (and totally 80's) and Monk immediately jumped on my ass. "What is it, look like a lollipop day?" He stated flatly. And, while I feigned offense, that comment had me laughing at random intervals all day long.

Oh, what fun it is to live with these two little bundles of joy. I do love them so.

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Love the Life you Live

January 28, 2007

[source]

I'll be honest. It was a sucky week. Everything was all knocked off kilter due to various scheduling trickeries I had to pull in order to simply get to work every day. Come to think of it, it has been a sucky few weeks. I have had a difficult time finding reasons to enjoy life. Inspiration comes in small doses and is measured out in tiny spoonfuls into the gaping ocean of my life.

And yet. Somehow...Impossibly...I find ways to remind myself. Like going to a random website linked to off of someone's last.fm page and finding the photo above. A simple photo with a simple message that had me singing "And if you can't live the life you love, honey...LOVE the life you LIVE!" to myself all weekend long.

And it works in theory and in application. There just seem to be several situations in my life over which I have no control. I am bothered by this, and I attempt to exert whatever small amount of control I can muster in order to deal with the frustration of having none that is direct. This doesn't help, so I have to learn to let go. I have to learn to surrender. I have to learn to love the life I live.

And there are plenty of opportunities to practice this. With my children today on our Sunday hike. Things didn't go as planned and Monk spent the entire time moping, disappointed that the spot we chose was so much better the last time. We are suddenly invaded by overly-friendly dogs, and I marvel over the fact that I would rather sit down and be molested by canines than simply stand up for myself...by simply standing up. I marvel because, you know what? Sometimes it's true. Sometimes it's ok to remain seated. Sometimes magic exists in the things you allow to happen without influence or coercion.

In attempting the talk the children into having a good time, pointing out all that I was observing, talking about expectations and disappointment, discussing how to learn to love the life you live in kid-terminology. It occurred to me that this, too, was a point of surrender. It suddenly struck me that my children, in choosing find the worst in the situation, were merely giving me an opportunity to share with them the methods I have learned to employ all of my life to escape those negative thought patterns that would tend to keep me bound to ennui and terminal disappointment. In their way, they are allowing me to leverage their misery into a life lesson that will hopefully provide them with coping skills they can use later in life. They are forcing me to teach them, through consistency and repetition, how to love the life they live.

And they know this. They griped the entire way back to the car while I tripped along pointing out the edges of trees against sky, the red robin fluttering through the trees, the particular shape of a horseshoe. All of these things that they have pointed out to me countless times in brighter moments (which, believe me, are more numerous than the miserable ones, if hopelessly underappreciated). At one point, they began to grip about how cold they were. Monk looked at me slyly saying "You could have WARNED US!" Laughing because he KNEW before we left the house I had asked them, countless times, if they wanted jackets, warmer clothes, etc. and both of them poo pooed my experience and chose to wear short sleeves/shorts...no socks on their feet. My obstinate children.

But it's all good. This is all a part of that life that I love and am living. And the same week that gave me frustration and sadness and anger gave me a humongous tickle war (which I WON - don't you fucking listen to what Monk would tell you!) and lots of good music to listen to and overly friendly dogs shaking creek water on us all and horses and riders and thoughts and feelings and most of all, love. Love and practice loving the life I live.

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Five Things Meme

January 25, 2007

Richard tagged me for this meme...probably because he knows how much I like to talk about myself. ha! It's a simple one...Reveal Five Things About Yourself is my directive. Well, ok, then:

I am left-handed. Writing, cutting, eating..lefty. Playing softball, though, I am a righty. Sometimes I feel an odd sense of pride over my left-handedness, as if that somehow makes me more authentic as a total weirdo.
I do a lot of crude chalk drawings when no one else is looking. I have been doing these for years and years. I have some up in my room, and I have shown some to a select few people. They aren't terribly good, artistically speaking, but they are mine...and I think they reflect me.
I'm not sure how obvious this is, but I'm terribly obsessive. I have recently discovered, in comparing myself to other friends I have who have obsessive/compulsive thought patterns, that I somehow managed to train myself to shift my obsessive focus to something positive or at least neutral whenever I start to get overly focused on upsetting stuff. Thus all of the weird tangents into things like birds and trees...and, really, my obsessiveness explains my need to have a running dialog in the form of blog or chat. It's good to have a place to put one thought so I can move on to the next.
I don't have a functioning clothes dryer in my house, so I hang all of my laundry out on the clothesline. I actually started doing this before the clothes dryer broke, and I think the dryer would be an easy repair, but I am worried that if I fix it, I will be less motivated to hang clothes out.
When I was in middle school, my mom took the whole family to this dude ranch in Chicago. We had been there one time before, but this time there was this whole Urban Cowboy thing that had just begun to ignite, so my brothers bought into it hook, line, and sinker. Anyway, I spent my junior high years earnestly listening to country music and recoiling whenever I would find random makeshift spittoons lying around the house. One of my brothers actually went on to get a degree in range and ranch management. I wonder if John Travolta appreciates what he did to my family. Hahaha. (I actually had to just visit IMDB to reassure myself that it was, in fact John Travolta who starred in that movie. And...Indeed. It was.)

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I narrowly escaped with my pocketbook

January 22, 2007

This morning, I had a dental appointment in which our new dentist informed me that my son does NOT need the over 1000 bux worth of dental work that our old dentist insisted he needed. Needless to say, I am thankful for that. So, yeah. I am marveling at our healthcare system today.

The unbridled greed of corporatized healthcare is breathtaking. United HealthGroup, currently listed as #37 on the Fortune 500, earned $3.3 billion in net profits in 2006--up 28 percent from the year before. Wellpoint made a whopping $2.5 billion, a 157 percent increase. When is the last time you got a 28 percent raise? 157 percent? It's blood money, pure and simple. How much profit is generated by the death of an uninsured or undertreated American?

Motherfuckers.

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That there is some mighty fine writing...

January 22, 2007

There are still those days, the ones that never fully awake and keep the world blanketed in a hazy slumber, and on those days I am king. It is my element.

Just...lovely. Go. read it all. Over and over again.

Posted at 9:18 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Alternate Universe

January 19, 2007

Susan and I were discussing the concept of an alternate universe fantasy today. We were mostly talking about how we create alternate universes to act out in our minds what we cannot have in real physical lives.

I've been thinking about this concept ever since. I think I spontaneously create these alternate universes all of the time - not just involving people, but situations and lifestyles. Usually, I keep it all in my head, but sometimes I write about it. The trick is to always be aware that this is a universe that I am creating, and that people in the real world should not be held accountable to their role in the alternate universe. Hahaha. It sounds kookier than it is. It also sounds, I think, more sex-oriented than it is. Mostly it is just about exploring possibilities and venting the frustrations that arise from living in a world where so much is out of one's control. In your mind. Like an endless Sims game. Only, you know, in your mind.

The important thing is that, when awakening from this alternate universe, it is important for me to take stock of what actually exists. It is important to take stock and be grateful for all of the wonder of the real universe...to appreciate what I have created in reality, and to enjoy all of the beauty that surrounds me without me ever having even given it a thought.

It is true that it can be cathartic to manufacture a reality, but once you have reached that point of catharsis? Reality itself, in all of its infinite unpredictability, can be pretty fucking awesome.

"the butterfly doesn't take it as a personal achievement...it just disappears into the trees..." -Jack Kerouac

Posted at 6:42 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

From the vault

January 17, 2007

I have been iced in here in austin for two days. Today, I dug through a huge bin of zines - transferring them from one storage bin to another. I am hoping to fully organize them this year, for once and for all, and perhaps catalog them so I can at least have bragging rights as having the coolest zine collection on the face of the planet, if not finding a way to scan and make them available online in some form.

At any rate, one of the zines I dug up was an old issue of *my* old zine, bAnal Probe. This one is issue 10 (the penis issue) from some time in 1995 (I guess I went through a spate where I was bad at putting dates on things) and within its pages was a show review I wrote. I thought it would be fun to reprint them here and at the various other places I do such things on the internet...in case anyone is interested in what bands were playing in Austin in 1995, and what I thought about them.

Here goes:

Foetus, Ultra Bide and Halcion

I called the Back Room's answering machine before the show, and the little man in the machine pronounced Foetus (fee-tus) as FO-tus, which sort of cast an ominous pallor on the evening, but the show was only 8 bux, and someone else was driving, so I figured what the hell, I'll go. I sorta sat around in my apartment all day, the first day I've had the place to myself for a long time...and I smoked a bunch of pot because I kept thinking that I needed another hit another hit another hit until I was REALLY hit and could barely stand up much less talk without being reduced to a jello-like giggle machine. It was at that point that Angela knocked at my door and after a frenzied search for my keys, we took off for the show. It felt good to be a passenger.

We got there towards the beginning of Ultra Bide's set. I don't know if it's just Austin or what, but I've gotten in the habit of really not wanting to go to shows until the headlining band or the band I want to see is playing. I haven't seen a decent opening band in a fuck of a long time, so I was sort of disappointed that we got there so far in advance of the time Foetus was due to hit the stage. Boy did I eat my hat over that one.

I walked into the midst of chaotic hubbub that was Ultra Bide. I was wary, but still managed to be completely floored by their performance. Harold said that they reminded him of late '80's heavy metal, but they sounds MORE than that to me. I mean...I was never inspired by heavy metal, but these guys INSPIRED me. It was artistically beautiful and hell lotta cheesy all at the same time. Lots and lots of SWEAT. Balls out flailing guitar/bass/drum attack on my eardrums. All of the members of the band took turns singing, two of them in broken english that just sounded all the better amidst the mayhem. Who the fuck cared what they were saying in their lyrics, though - their stage presence announced every overly-dramatized emotion thy had ever intended to communicate. They were a FUCKING riot to watch. Rock star mega-mania - the bass player threw his ailing instrument down in the middle of one song and just grabbed the mic and ripped into an onslaught of verbal anguish, then spent the better part of 15 minutes after that trying to hook up another bass while the drummer threw his whole body into his kit POUNDING like nobody's business without showing any signs of fatigue. I mean, this man WAILED. And the last number was concluded by the bass player running up to the front of the stage with his crotch grasped firmly (madonna cum Michael Jackson style) and, collapsing against a pole, he moaned "Love me...love me...FUCK ME...FUCK ME...love me...suck me..." until the end, while the drummer threw his entire body into this huge gong next to his drum kit, and falling all over each other pretending to break shit (they are, after all, not YET rock gods, so they can't afford to actually break their equipment, but you get the idea that they really REALLY want to just smash everything to bits.) and staggering off stage completely drenched in sweat.

I had spent the majority of the 20 minutes they were on stage just smiling at the beautiful comedy of it all...not really noticing my surroundings at all, just grinning at the absurdity and having fun...but when the set ended and I wandered looking for my friends I suddenly felt the urge to run home and change out of my black clothes into something lime green. Strange atmosphere...I hadn't seen so many goths since I was in high school and the "dead" look was the in thing...but I don't recall anyone taking it nearly as seriously as these kids. So many fucking dour, bitter, frowny faces. Goddamn.

We went to get something to eat at a cheesy mexican restaurant rather than stay for Halcion's set...which turned out to be a great plan judging from the last few songs we managed to catch. They seemed to really want to be spokesmodels for kim gordon's new fashion line. An angry females singer adorned with a guitar that she strummed a couple of chords on occasionally (and I'll say this for them, at least now I know that if I ever want to sing in a band and not have that awkward bare look that some singers suffer from, I can just drape a gee-tar over my shoulder and pretend I'm an actual musician.) I mean, it's not that they were actually so much bad as just so much unmemorable...unspectacular. Wholly. And sandwiched, as they were, between two incredible bone-crushing assaults, well...I liked their t-shirts, anyway. They had little cherries on them.

There was an inordinate amount of waiting time before Foetus hit the stage. I had seen Wiseblood about 7 or 8 years ago, but never Foetus. And, to tell you the truth, the only two Foetus records I ever got around to buying were Nail and Hole (two incredible records with tons of hilarious references and word plays that totally astounded me in high school and continue to astound me today. Let's face it, the man is reigning champion master of the english language.) But I was expecting a dirty, writhing man to run onstage rubbing his schlong and tonguing the microphone. Instead, I got a Barry Manilow lookalike. He came out in a white blazer with a red tuxedo shirt underneath. Dark glasses and black jeans rounded out his ensemble nicely to give him that "street credibility." Nevertheless, all I could think about was "Copa Cabana" and "Mandy" until they RIPPED into the first song. And the first assault was teh incredible LOUD intensity of the music. It was literally a wall of sound only it was banging itself into my head rather than the other way around. My ears are still buzzing like there are a million bumblebees in my head. But also the lights were spectacular. At certain moments when the beat was just right they would bathe the entire stage and audience in BRIGHT ungodly BRIGHT while light that Rob compared to being directly in the flightpath with a plane coming straight at the middle of your head. And all I could say to that was YES.

One of the more entertaining aspects of the evening, in spite of all of this, was the crowd. It was an odd mix of old-style goths with black hair, spooky clothing and black make-up; industrial goths with their more modern dress style and piercings galore; and heavy metal dudes. Oh god, the heavy metal dudes. One such dude was kind enough to do that thing where, no matter how much space there is in which to unleash whatever manic energy you've stored up from listening to mom yell at you to clean your room, you still have to push around the fringe crowd who are obviously not in the mood for bodily contact. I mean, it's cool to bump into people when there's noplace else to go, but with five miles of oipen floor real estate, this guy was still crowding me out. I gave him a couple of elbow jabs to the ribs, and I think he overheard Harold telling me to go for the balls, so he laid off. After that distraction was eliminated, I was able to more fully concentrate on the other quirky folks surrounding me. The freak of the night award, I think , would have to go to the Hat Girl who stood simpering on the stage next to the speaker. She was doing as (what she probably thought was sexy, but what actually was downright silly) come-hither-Jim-Thirwell snake dance with that pseudo-sexy pout THE ENTIRE TIME not a single cracked grin or ANY change in facial expression for that matter although she did remove the hat and put it back on a couple of times. I didn't really figure that one out, maybe she had choreographed her little dance, and the hat was an integral semaphore in her elaborate mating ritual or something. At any rate, she wanted to get laid, BAD, by the Barry-Manilow impersonator pretending to be Foetus. Later, Angela noted that she left with an uncle Fester lookalike instead. Hah.

And Foetus himself was king of exaggerated charm and grit. He rocked, he rolled, he crooned, he grinded...but he didn't whip out his dick ONCE...didn't even undo his big belt buckle...much to my amazement. But he did get felt up by some of the guys in front of the stage. they kept poking him. Literally...just POKING him - which was another thing I couldn't quite figure out. I mean, first you worship yr idols, then you kill yr idols...but POKE yr idols? Maybe it was some sort of sexual sublimation - a short foray out of the closet for a couple of young burgeoning goth boys. At any rate, (and I didn't witness this, but Harold related the story to me in such pointed detail (er, pardon the pun) that I could surely envision it happening) at one point, while Mr. Foetus was striking one of his many Peter Murphy-esque poses (arms akimbo, head, nodded to one side and knees slightly bent) a hand slowly rose from the crowd, poking finger straight out like an arrow. It slowly but surely inched its way through the smoky air towards its destination then, squiggle squiggle, it rammed into Thirwell's belly button and shot out again suddenly. Foetus took this penetration like a man, though...didn't even break his pose. It must be tough to be such a martyr. He yelled "HAIL SATAN!" into the microphone before the first encore, then came out and played "I can do any GOD DAMN thing I want" with such ferocity that I forgot how silly the whole spectacle was and started getting a little bleary thinking "Well, gosh darn, I do feel pretty empowered. Ain't that the shit. I CAN do any GODDAMN thing I want!" and remembered high school days writing "Change your mind, mind your change" all over my notebooks and folders.

But I'm still pissed that he never sang "Copa Cabana."

Posted at 7:35 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

A note to my fellow Austinites, from someone who hails from a colder clime

January 17, 2007

One alternative to spending the better part of 3 hours banging at the ice on your windshield until you actually CRACK the surface upon which you are beating (which, by the way, causes one of THE MOST irritating noises when heard one house over) is to actually, you know, warm up your freaking car. That way, within 20-30 minutes or so, the ice really just melts off. Ta-da!

Or, you could just keep banging until your angry neighbor marches out, grabs the keys out of your hand, turns the car on, and introduces you to the REAL reason there's a deFROST exhaust on your car's dash.

Posted at 5:59 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Measuring success...

January 16, 2007

You know...it occurs to me that one of the challenges in living an unconventional life is that there is no measure of success. Not that it's really helpful to compare or measure success based on external criteria, anyway...but, still. This afternoon, I found myself articulating something with someone, and I had to really step back from it and think hard about it before realizing...holy fucking shit...I've created something wonderful in my life that is perfect for me right now in this moment. And even if it might seem fucked up by conventional standards, I know for myself it is not.

That's a pretty amazing realization...that I can just stand back and enjoy what I've created.

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Flickr Photo Tuesday

January 16, 2007

We have been iced in here for 2 days, going on three. So, I decided to spend the day taking pictures and recording sounds.

The pictures are here:

The sounds have yet to be uploaded. I'm not sure if I will have time to edit them down.

Enjoy! And stay warm!

Posted at 10:08 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Winter Mix 2006/2007

January 16, 2007

Liner Notes for Winter Mix 2006/2007

Track One
Yin And Yang The Flowerpot Man
Love and Rockets
“The beauty in the hurricane’s eye.”
I am pretty sure this song kept me alive and moving forward during gloomy high school winter days in Chicago. Reminding me reminding me reminding me to find the beauty in the stark machinery of every day life.

Track Two
Only You
Animal Collective (ft. Vashti Bunyan)
“What’s Going on?”
Was it the third time…or the fourth? Serenaded in my bed. Forehead to forehead. Touching for an instant what I will never hold.

Track Three
The Most Excruciating Vibe
Larkin Grimm
Those sounds – amazing. It took a long time for me to get it, but it came to me while driving one day, with the sun angling down glinting off random reflective objects & me without my sunglasses. I was glad for the brightness and color.

Track Four
The Crown Of Love
The Arcade Fire
“Since you gave me a straight answer…”
I love that part where he gets all dramatic. Well, maybe that kind of describes the whole song, but around about where he hits those (or doesn’t hit those) notes and his voice goes all weepy. This is one of my all-time favorite songs. Of ALL TIME. Sometimes…it’s best not to have a fucking straight answer.

Track Five
New Clear Days
The Ex
Who cares what they are saying. This song IS anarchy, wonderful. Chaotic and beautiful. The perfect The Ex song.

Track Six
Baptism
Black Wax Machine
I wish I could find the chat where Chris sent this to me where he goes, all casual like “Oh, I just found this buried in my hard drive.” That man has more talent in his little finger…I swear. What a truly lovely and delightful song.

Track Seven
The Lotus Eaters
Dead Can Dance
mmmmmmm…the perfect accompaniment to lotus eating. I love the drums & rhythm of this song. Moving me towards…who knows what, but somewhere good.

Track Eight
Miles From Nowhere
Cat Stevens
“Lord, my body has been a good friend, but I won’t need it when I reach the end…”
Some might hate me for this selection, but I do still love Cat Stevens. This song reminds me of Harold and Maude, and all of the hundreds of watchings of that movie, trapped indoors for long winter nights.

Track Nine
The Winner Is
Michael Danna/DeVotchKa
Queue up this song, put on your headphones, walk around your neighborhood looking at stuff, pretend like you are in a movie. Remember that life is so fucking sweet, in spite of the melancholy. Or maybe because of it.

Track Ten
Crowning of a Heart
...And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead
“Crescents in her eyes as we gazed away”
Not sure why this song gets to me, but it does. I think it’s the bridge. Why question it? Sorry it’s so loud.

Track Eleven
In The Aeroplane Over the Sea
Neutral Milk Hotel
“And when we meet on a cloud
I'll be laughing out loud
I'll be laughing with everyone I see
Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all”
Perfect. I played this song over and over and over the day after I last saw my love flash before my eyes.

Track Twelve
Verdant
Black Wax Machine
The Song Formerly Know As “13” is, as I have said, thundering and wincing. Of all of the Black Wax Machine songs I have heard and loved, this is the one that I think best describes it’s creator. And I love it so.

Track Thirteen
Leave
R.E.M.
“I suffer the dreams of a world gone mad
I like it like that and I know it
I know it well, ugly and sweet,
That temper madness with an even extreme.”
This just randomly popped up on my player one day. I think it is a collaboration of R.E.M. and Radiohead, but I am not sure and I have no idea where the song came from. It’s just lovely, though. Especially on headphones. Different, I think, from other R.E.M. tunes. Or maybe I just haven’t been paying enough attention.

Track Fourteen
Leave Me
Kleenex Girl Wonder
“Night always fades into day
But some things don't go away
You can't leave me no matter how hard you try”
Even though it’s a crappyish seque, I couldn’t resist following up “Leave” with “Leave Me.” The first time I heard this song, I was on one of my late-night walks. I was so totally delighted by it (yes, I overuse that word, but for some reason it is the only word that fits in so many cases) I literally fell on the ground I was laughing so hard. Not that I think the song is humorous. It tickles me. I love any song song in which the artist exposes vulnerability – whether it’s the vulnerability of out of range singing or lyrics that are painfully personal. This one just takes the cake in all sorts of ways.

Track Fifteen
Another Song for a Blue Guitar
Red House Painters
“and I barely can play, I don’t like to sing…”
Imagine my surprise when this song first popped up on my random shuffling. Simple, stark…and a Led Zeppelin reference that I never would have recognized on my own. Proving (once again) that the best musicians (and the best people) introduce you to things you never would have discovered on your own.

Track Sixteen
Rain
Tones on Tail
“she said, time to crush this feeling
writing very long letters as soon as it rains”
Another one that reminds me of grey school bus rides to school in my youth. Tracing rivulets streaking the windows looking out on lack of, yet somehow bursting with, color. I am pleased to discover that Tones on Tail have withstood the test of time in my heart and do not sound overly dated.

Track Seventeen
Snowflake
Black Wax Machine
The perfect endcap. Enough said. It’s snowing today in Austin as I write this. It’s a wintery mix.

Download here

Posted at 2:24 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Everything's Fucked

January 15, 2007

I was just listening to Everything's Fucked, and man. Only Dirty Three can make a song called Everything's Fucked so fucking beautiful, you know? What they have done is they've captured that perfect moment when you realize everything's fucked, but you also realize that the fuckedness of everything cultivates a certain freedom...a particular expansiveness. It's that crystal moment in fuckhood where you realize, shit, you got nothing to lose. It's time to start over, and all things are possible.

Just an amazing song. They are such inspiring artists. Like photographers of sound - novelists of music. So much said without a single fucking word.

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Forgiveness and worth

January 14, 2007

I was just thinking about forgiveness...and whether one is worthy of it. It seems, just as most people (if not all) are worthy of love, most people are worthy of forgiveness...if not all. And even if that was not true, those that are truly unworthy are really good at pretending they are. So why punish those who are worthy for the misdeeds of those who are not?

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Love, part two.

January 13, 2007

And then there is the practical love. See...this is what always gets to me. There is wild-assed crazy in love and all that entails and then there is steady, staid, stable love that supports me and ensures I don't get too out of hand. The question is, which do I prefer? And I suppose it's not a pressing question at the moment.

I am capable of taking care of myself, but it is nice to have a love that checks in. It is nice to have a love that thinks about me above others. It is nice to have a love that calls to make sure I am ok before I go to bed at night, when I'm having a rough day. All of these things are nice. And practical. But are they sustainable?

Is it more of a gamble to invest myself in love that flits in and out and fills me with inspiration, but cannot be counted on for any other purpose? I'm not sure. Steadfastness and stability seems less of a risk, but is it, really? Are there guarantees in any of it? It seems like, in the end, the odds are about even.

Is it selfish for me to want both? To rely upon the love that is there and true, and eternally flirt with the muse - in whatever form she takes. Perhaps it is true that no one person will ever satisfy me. Funny that in saying that, and living it, I run the risk of being alone forever.

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Collaborations in Sound

January 11, 2007

I got myself an mp3 player for my birthday and am slowly becoming fascinated with the sounds I can create with the voice recorder. When I gave my humble bleatings to my friend Chris Lilly (a solo artist who works under the name Black Wax Machine) he created something amazing and, I think, kind of beautiful. If you can ignore the fact that I sound like a pre-adolescent boy. He is such an amazing artist, that Christopher Lilly. I am glad to know him.

Anyway, here it is. Enjoy.

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Love letter

January 11, 2007

I still think this is the most beautiful video ever made:

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Talking to Myself

January 11, 2007

For my birthday, I got myself one of them fancy mp3 player device thingys. A really fancy one with a voice recorder. So, last night on my walk...I started thinking about some lines for a poem (like I usually do) and I was cursing the fact that I don't have a ticker tape attached to my brain, but then I remembered (cha-ching!) the voice recorder, so I whipped it out and do you know I spent the rest of my walk talking to myself. That shit is addictive. I sent all but the most embarrassing ones to my friend so he can totally make fun of my goofy-ass voice. I think once I get over that kind of vain/childlike joy of hearing the sound of my own voice, it will be fun to play with sounds. I am getting that the recording device doesn't pick up very subtle sounds (I was trying to record the sounds of leaves in the wind, but all I got was the wind part) but I am thinking if I do some research there might be some good ideas out there for how to optimize the recording capabilities.

Either way...what fun! A new toy to play with! A new way to create things! Possibly a new possibility for collaboration! It was, I think, a worthwhile investment.

Oh, and it's also nice to have my entire mp3 collection at my fingertips.

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Love

January 9, 2007

Have you ever just fallen totally in love with someone you have no freaking business falling in love with, and you KNOW IT, and yet you can't seem to stop yourself and months later you find yourself sitting there, still totally in love, limping along, nursing that huge huge feeling, not quite knowing what to do with it all but knowing that any expression of that love would only cause pain and sorrow for everyone involved and still trying to pretend that you can carry on and be friends and hang out and act like it's really No Big Deal when HOLY FUCKING CHRIST is it EVER a big FUCKING deal. So you sit and wait for all of those delicious feelings that have no home to fade and they don't and they don't and STILL they don't through all of it and you burst into tears for no reason at random intervals for SIX FUCKING MONTHS and still no relief from this love or this pain...

...and at the same time, HOLY SHIT! This is LOVE we are talking about and it's HUGE and it's beautiful and it's wonderful and six months of random tears are nothing compared to the random intervals of just full-in-the-chest bursting you experience...and it's the kind of love that although there is pain in non-reciprocation there is really no reciprocation necessary because there's this person, right? This wonderful beautiful birds-in-the-chest-fluttering inspiring person who exists in this world totally independent from you and you will never be close enough to them to fuck up that image of them, you will always have it and you will always carry it with you to remind you that you are whole and you are human and sometimes humans do crazy ass shit like fall in mad, impossible love for months at a time for no apparent reason and defying all logic and even though you are still sitting there with tears in your eyes, all of a sudden the view shifts just a little bit, and a tiny glint of light becomes rainbows cascading all around. And birds and butterflies, too.

And you laugh and laugh and laugh and oh holy fucking shit do you ever laugh.

Not that I know any of this by experience, mind you. I was just wondering if it's ever happened to any of you.

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The Self-Licking Ice Cream Cone

January 9, 2007

"Self-licking ice cream cone" is the descriptor for a self-fulfilling prophecy as described by the 20th century sociologist Robert K. Merton: "The self-fulfilling prophecy is, in the beginning, a false definition of the situation evoking a new behavior which makes the original false conception come true."

[source]

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Flipping the Bird

January 9, 2007

So, Coley had a big scary medical appointment today that turned out to be no big deal, for which I am incredibly relieved.

The child continues to amaze me at every turn with his oddness. I really thought no child could top Monk for odd behavior, but Coley manages to surprise and amuse all who meet him. Today, his famous line was "I'll tell you what. How about I plant my foot in your face?" Granted, it was in response to something the doctor said jokingly about slicing Cole's chest cavity open and removing his heart so he could tinker with it (and I know that doesn't sound like such a funny joke all typed out in black and white, but the doctor truly did have the perfect bedside manner for a pediatric cardiologist)...but, still. He is an odd bird. That Cole. My Birdy Cole.

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Top Things of 2006

January 7, 2007

Here are some of my favorite things from 2006, in no particular order other than the order in which they pop into my brain:

Sharing my home with Pansy & fam
Sharing my home with Rachel & fam
Finding the best housemate ever
One Mr. Christopher J. Lilly and all his varied variosity
Always, my boys.
Broken Social Scene
Getting back in touch with my friend John, and getting to view his wonderful photojournals
Vacations alone
Susan (no other words necessary)
One Mr. Sam Berry and peels of laughter & bad movies
My Awesome Job
"Crown of Love" by The Arcade Fire
LOVE
One Mr. Harold Lehman and all that entails.
Black Wax Machine (see also: Christopher J. Lilly)
Megan and family and various kindnesses therein
Parrots in the middle of Austin
Longing as the better part of love
My awesome job
"We are going to eat pizza and watch a movie about bugs?" "yes" "Thrilling" "Would you rather eat bugs and watch a movie about pizza?"
Leaves blowing in the middle of the road, and turning out to be butterflies
sxsw interactive 2006 (including...gah! Too many groovy people to list, but I will try anyway...Anna and Jason and George and Felicia and Tiffany and EJ and Timothy and of course j. I should probably link all of those to the appropriate sites, but I am feeling so so so so lazy right now. Maybe I will do it later.)
Card playing on Thursdays (uh...need to revive that one!)
One Mr. Tracy Ruggles and a week of debauchery.
Little Miss Sunshine
Falling completely, irrevocably, and IMPOSSIBLY in love
Oh k8!
Tripping over dogs
Neutral Milk Hotel (yes, I know I'm like 6 years too late, but still! !!!!!!)
The Proposition (and its wonderful soundtrack
One Mr. J.S. and all of his yummy delicious goodness
Any of several arm-wavey conversations about music with friends in person and online.

(I am sure there is more that I am egregiously forgetting)

Things to look forward to in 2007

Artistic collaborations with dear, inspiring friends.
Panopticon!!!!
More outdoor time
More music
Finding the joy and bliss and love in everything around me, even the very most difficult things.

Love love!!!

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Me in my birthday suit!

January 5, 2007

(click to go there and peep my birthday self portraits. I'm all fancied up to run my errands)

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Hope/Change

January 5, 2007

[source]

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This is Cheesy and I Know It

January 3, 2007

I just took the kids out to see the Eragon movie, and I was struck by something that I have noticed strikes me in other movies of that ilk. And, no, it's not hot guys in leather pants, although...yes. I am sure they threw all of them in there for the mommy set.

Anyway, what struck me is this concept of love as a source of vulnerability as well as strength. That you can be complete without love, and that love is scary and opens you up to all sorts of vulnerability, but that it ultimately makes you stronger.

It's difficult for me to determine how much of this is reality and how much is more bullshit being shoved down our throats, but I tend to believe that it is so. And the thing is, too, that it's not necessarily romantic love that leads to this vulnerability/strength. In movies such as Eragon...and really...what I was thinking about as I was watching that movie was The Crow. This concept of an external being that represents love, and that weakens and strengthens the coefficient depending on its state of vulnerability.

Anyway, I think the concept is beautiful, even if it is not necessarily realistic or true. And since I am largely an optimist, I even believe that it IS realistic and true, in spite of my logical mind that plaintively bleats otherwise.

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Daniel Chodorkoff On Utopia

January 3, 2007

I need to come back and read this article fully, but this really struck me:

Utopia is a term coined by Sir Thomas More in 1515.1 He traces the root to two Greek words: outopia, translated as no place, and eutopia, the good place. The word has acquired, since Frederick Engles' critique of "utopian" socialism in Anti-Duhring,2 the negative connotation of outopia-cloud cuckoo land. For our purposes, the term must be understood in a more neutral way: as a description of an approach to social reconstruction oriented toward the creation of an "ideal" society.
The utopian impulse is a response to existing social conditions and an attempt to transcend or transform those conditions to achieve an ideal. It always contains two interrelated elements: a critique of existing conditions and a vision or reconstructive program for a new society. Utopias usually arise during periods of social upheaval, when the old ways of a society are being questioned by new developments. Thus, Plato's Republic3 emerged in Athens after the victory of Sparta in the Peloponnesian Wars, More's Utopia emerged during the Age of Discovery, and the industrial revolution gave birth to numerous utopian experiments.

It being the new year and all, I am trying to figure out how to move myself more toward my ideals. I think this article is a good place to start to really think about where I am heading, as an individual, and the societal context in which I live and love.

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What I have done on my vacation, parts 5 and 6

January 1, 2007

The day began yesterday with a hike on the concrete trail of Pflugerville's Northeast Austin Municipal Park. The kids hated it (but I am an evil mommy and am going to start enforcing weekly doses of traipsing around outdoors) but I loved the trees

(sparse though they were) and even saw what I think was a great blue heron, although I was too surprised and amazed to take a picture. After I recovered from the shock and realized what I was looking at, it flew away, and kept evading camera capture. The boys weren't helping with their loud complaining. hahahaha. I am the worst mom in the world. I kept telling them to save it for the PILLOW FIGHT, which got underway shortly after our late dinner.

The boys both stayed up until midnight to ring in the new year playing video games. I was bouncing around asking them if they wanted to bang together pots and pans or whatever, Coley said "No." Quite flatly. Monk said "I'm not a lunatic." and when I yelled happy new year out the door, he said "Now all of the neighbors think YOU are a lunatic...and I am son of a lunatic."

Ah, nothing like jaded, video game playing kiddos. I sent them to bed shortly thereafter! Teach THEM to be ambivalent about the new year!

Of course, Coley woke up at 8 AM, which means guess who else woke up at 8 AM? ME. That's who. He's all "I need to have my morning snuggle, or I will be grouchy all day, mom." Who can refuse that kind of threat?

*sigh*

One whole week left of my vacation! Unbelievable. I have forgotten what it is like to go to work.

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