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« Journey to Emoville | Main | My Brain »
Three Parts Giving up, One Part Hope...
May 8, 2007
Part One
On my walk, I was thinking about how funny it is that I can so quickly lose interest in something. There are things that I have thought of as ultimate goals or desires, and really all it takes is one incident...one word, or a lack of words. Some small catalyst can quickly kill my drive or desire, no matter how strong the drive seemed to be just moments before.
I can't say the exact moment I lost interest, but I do know it happened quickly. One moment, anything seemed possible...and the next, nothing was desirable. It's not an incredibly happy thought, but for some reason it made me laugh. Perhaps it was nervous laughter. Who knows.
Part Two
I just realized why I laughed...and here is why: it is NOT at all easy for me to give up. I am ridiculously persistent to the point of obsessive. I will take a situation and examine it from every angle. I will see how certain people, projects, or situations might be able to fit into my life. I will exhaust EVERY effort to hold on to something that I deem worthy of holding on to...YET, when I finally reach the point where nothing works...*poof* it's over. No fanfare. No tears. No regrets. Just over.
I am tempted to say I have wasted years in trying to wrap my life around this situation...but I don't believe in wastes of time. I am just not quite sure what I was supposed to learn from it, and that kind of bothers me. I guess one thing I have learned is that sometimes things DON'T happen for a reason...but is that lesson worthy of the energy invested?
Part Three
Somehow, this song seems fitting...
Funny As In Funny Haha by Smart Went Crazy
A prizefight between your entropy and cowardice
The sweet science of being in love
The sweet science of giving up
Did she keep a file of all your lame excuses and vulgar transgressions?
Like the time that you said that you were afraid to confront your fear of confrontation?
A raw deal for your sweet complicit paramour
Someday she'll thank you, of course
That is what deathbeds are for
Now you'll have to dine alone
Part Four
(the hope is silent)
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Comments
Whatever the situation is, I am sure you will find a way to work it out. Good luck!