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« Sir Richard Bishop/Animal Collective | Main | Coley's Mad Lib »
My mom.
June 3, 2007
My life has taken a significant financial downturn this past week. I lost a housemate and gained a bunch of car trouble. And the thing is...I was a month away from finally being able to sock away money in the event of this kind of mishap, but I am still one month from paying off the last financial mishap.
So, I have been trying to stay up. And I have had a lot of help. Wonderful friends, my lovely children...fuck, even the auto mechanic and the tow company have been cordial and kind throughout all of this. But still...it starts to creep up on me. How am I going to do this? I know I will get through it. I know I always do...but HOW?
How?
So, I called my mommy.
Those who know my family history understand I have a complicated relationship with my mother. Lots of stuff tied up in that, including periods in my life where I just could not speak to her at all. Somehow, though, being divorced and struggling with trying to keep my family afloat has brought us closer together. There are times when the past flashes brightly and makes me want to hide from her, but there are times like these when I need her strength and wisdom to get me through.
I am sure I have told this story before, in many forms, but my mother raised seven children on her own. She had three kids with her first husband, who left her and disowned them all, never paying a dime in child support, in spite of the fact that my mom was a housewife who now had to find employment, having never been in the workforce. Then she met my dad, a crazy Italian widower dude with three kids of his own. They had me, and he split when I was three...maintaining minimal contact with his kids, but not really helping much in a financial way.
Somehow mom made it. It was not the best childhood I could have hoped for, but I remember being happy much of the time. I certainly didn't worry about money, although I knew we had less of it than most in the wealthy suburb we resided in. My mom hung on to the huge house, and all of the children were fed and relatively well-equipped. Almost all of my siblings have done fairly well in life. Better than me, for sure...and I don't think I have done all that bad.
So, there are ways in which I look up to my mom. Ways that aren't really measurable. It can be both reassuring and intimidating that she made do so well. She credits her father, who supported her without judgment, in spite of the fact that she felt like she had made a lot of bad choices.
Today, when it all got to be to much for a minute there, I broke down and called her. I told her it might be the transmission and it might be more than I can handle by myself. A friend had made a very generous offer, but I just...I needed some support. Support I haven't asked for in a long time, but support that still felt like I was asking too much.
She had a pen in her hand and was ready to write a check as I spoke. I told her no. I want to hear how much it will be. I want to know the damage and see if I can fight my way through before she bails my ass out. She soothed me. Said she knew exactly what I was going through. Said she has been in the same place, too. That she knows it is difficult, but that I will make it through. I wept a little, regretting all of the financial decisions I have made that have been wasteful. That trip to Dallas...all those summer camps. I can't take them back now, but they would add up to a new transmission, at least. My mom reminded me of all of the vacations we took, and how she probably should not have spent that money, either...but they created so many of the memories that made my childhood as happy as it was. I think she made the right choice...I am hoping I am making the right choice, too.
In the end, she reminded me of the magnet we had on our refrigerator while I was growing up. "This, too, shall pass." it said. She told me there were days and nights that she would sit and stare at that magnet, willing it to be so.
This, too, shall pass. With the help of friends...co-workers...and, yes, family...Family I frequently underestimate and underappreciate...may it pass quickly and as painlessly as possible.
Thanks, mom.
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