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« Sensitivity... | Main | No fucking way! »
'Tis the Season...
November 26, 2007
to avoid television. I am telling you. I have been watching an overabundance of it lately due to having an extra eleventy gazillion hours in the day from a) not having to work and b) not having the children around, and it is freaking depressing as fuck. It is difficult not to feel inadequate as a single parent with not a whole lot of extra cash and no romantic entanglements that involve the bestowment of diamond jewelry...and I don't even LIKE diamonds OR jewelry. I feel curmudgeonly. This happens every year. The noise of Christmas never fails to interfere with my usual seasonal reflection and evaluation. My self-assessments are skewed. My self-image is distorted. My self-worth is deranged. Make it stop!
Hahaha. This weekend, the typical static of Christmas advertising was compounded by a rare Austin cold snap. So while I am being emotionally barraged with the constant reminder that I'm in this thing alone, I am also being physically reminded that, damnit, it's cold in that lonely bed, fuckers! Regardless of how mentally or emotionally ready or willing I am to embark on another relationship, regardless of the lack of available and desirable partners in my life, it's tempting to just grab the most convenient object and turn it into something that fulfills all of my practical needs. Emotional, artistic, spiritual attachment be damned!
Combine all of this with 5 full days without the distraction of children and work, and you have a recipe for utter disaster.
Thank goodness I am aware of this potential. Thank goodness I planned in advance. Thank goodness for friends both superficial and taproot to help anchor me and allow for my movement through this season and all of the turmoil it renders.
In the end, I made it through...and I did ok. I rejected the temptation to seek warmth at any cost. I spent my time, for the most part, with people who love and care about me. I allowed myself to indulge in precious solitude and bask in the presence of one who allows me to distract myself via fussing over and catering to, as well as those who are good listeners and good conversationalists. I surrounded myself with good music/art/media even though I found myself utterly incapable of expressing myself in any creative vehicle.
I am coming down now. Or perhaps I am coming up. Thanks to those to whom I have looked for oxygen. Thanks to the birds, the trees, the clouds, the reddened leaves, the fevered exchanges of passionate longing for some small breath of life amidst the dearth of emotional vitality and the overabundance of material indulgence.
The house has returned to it's state of fervor. C babbles. M emits random cynical observations with a slight stutter. The cat meows loudly, yet contentedly now that her boy is home. The dog follows me around that house in that constant state of panicked expectation. I have other, more important, things to fret about...and still the same beautiful things to appreciate. To center on.
And...I have a whole lot less time for television. And that certainly doesn't hurt. :P
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Comments
it could be worse. you could be a youtube rock video addict. my personal bottom: trying to decide which is the best slayer video.
my kid rescues me from my own insanity on a daily basis. i just hope she's reachable by phone when she finally leaves here.