Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings: December 2007 Archives

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« November 2007 | Main | January 2008 »

It always comes back to this...

December 31, 2007

"if you assume there is no hope, you guarantee there will be no hope." -Noam Chomsky

and this...

"Hope" by Dirty Three

Dirty Three Lived at Bridge: 2, 2006.06.27

[via FoxyTunes / Dirty Three]

Here's hoping for a happy new year...

Posted at 3:34 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Ye Olde Change of Seasons Post

December 20, 2007

It's about that time of year, and I have been reflecting and projecting like a being possessed. And perhaps I AM a being possessed.

I have about 8 more hours or so of work ahead of me before 2 glorious weeks off. Some fun celebrating planned, some surprises for the kiddos. Some alone time for mama...hopefully time to create and plan. You know. It's that time of year.

My life has fallen into a predictable rhythm with periods of dissonance and chaos, rather than the other way around. That has all happened gradually over the past few years, and it has taken some getting used to. I still find myself rummaging around for the basic elements of chaos when things get too "boring," but I am learning to settle. I am learning to be calm. I am learning to surrender and accept. Over and over and over again, I am learning.

I am also unlearning and relearning things. Unraveling that which has contributed to patterns that aren't useful, even if they appeared to be so at the start. Starting over at a manageable point to recreate the pattern. Sometimes I unravel too much, and I have to rework the same pattern to get back to where I need to deviate. Sometimes I don't unravel enough, and end up in another unworkable pattern.

But, you know...it's all part of life. I've been paying attention to things. Trees and birds, mostly...but also people. I watch the couples around me and witness their interactions. I watch friends and acquaintances get entangled and unentangled and re-entangled. I watch people put up with shit that I don't think they should have to put up with, and reject shit that to me seems perfectly tolerable. I am confounded by all of this, so I return to watching the birds and examining the intracacies of tree bark.

I have been thinking about my mom a lot these days. About the payoff and price of living a solitary life. I wonder how much of it was a choice and how much was unchosen. Being unchosen. I wonder about how much of my own solitude is chosen.

I am wondering how many times things can fall apart and come together again before I truly truly believe that things will always come together again in times when it seems that everything is falling apart.

And I am sitting here. Feeling content. Relaxed. Unhurried. Cooking some lentil soup, and cleaning up the house while the kids play some invented game with a bazillion rules all made up as they go along. I'm thinking about the coming weeks that now seem to slumber sedately in front of me, but which I know will rise up like a tiger and devour themselves as soon as I step into them...

and then it will be back to the routine. Which is how things go. And I will ride it all out until the next seasonal change. Learning and doing and changing and fucking up and falling apart and coming together again...

Like always.

Peace to you all on the longest night, and in the lengthening days to follow.

Posted at 12:48 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

I'm just gonna close my eyes for a second...

December 14, 2007

I am sure I have used that title for a blog post many times, but this time it's almost kind of literally true. I have been stumbling around in a benadryl haze for the last 12 hours, after having spent almost 2 weeks without any sort of break from work/kids (and sometimes both at the same time...in fact MANY times). I am sniffly, tired, and have been learning way too many lessons about life and love and dependence and independence and interdependence and codependence.

But it's good. I feel good. It almost feels like I am bracing myself for something bad, but I am not going to think about that, no matter how fiercely it looms. I am just going to close my eyes for a second...and hope they don't get crusted shut!

Right now, I am drinking Pinocchio wine and listening to Beauty Pill and reflecting and preparing. I am not wanting to close my eyes while lying in any sort of horizontal position, because that would feel like I am wasting beautiful just sitting here being alone in my house with music playing loud time. It's nice. It's really nice. I don't have much to say, but I feel like I need to say it anyway. Saying nothing with style. Ha. It's a gift.

What can I say?

The seasonal change is almost here, and already I am reflecting on this past season and thinking about things that need to change in the coming season and the approaching year. Not as much to work on as you might think. I think I'm heading in the right direction...really it is all a matter of being patient with myself and allowing things to unfold as intended. Allow for those uncontrollable inevitables to come to fruition so I can adjust and adapt, as I sure as hell can't dictate.

That said...I think I am going to go lay down and close my eyes for a second. Night night folks.

Posted at 12:24 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

A survey...

December 13, 2007

Because I have nothing better to say right now:

WHEN YOU SEND IT BACK YOU MUST INCLUDE 1 WORD HOW YOU WOULD DESCRIBE THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU.

PERSON SENT TO ME? Colleen Zany

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
I think I was named after some actress person, but I don't know the whole story.

2 . WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
I think yesterday. I am frequently moved to tears, though. It doesn't take much, and I don't generally keep track.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING
I tend to like handwriting in general. It's so rarely seen these days. I still write in a paper journal quite frequently.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Um. The kind that doesn't involve meat?

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
2 boys.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Yes. I think I would. I also frequently wish I was 7, because I would totally be my son Coley's bff. Not that I don't love Monk an awful lot, but Monk's easier for me to be friends with as an adult. I would love to be young and in coley's little world as a child.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A Lot?
Hm...probably not as much as I think I do.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes. We were just talking about this last night. Cole was wondering what tonsils do and why people have them removed. I told him about all of the times when I was a kid and would get swollen glands and how it used to make me talk like kermit the frog.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? No.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
I have been thinking about apple-cinnamon o's since someone twittered about them the other day.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES MOST OF THE TIME?
Most of the time I wear crocs (yes, even in the wintertime...WITH SOCKS!) But I don't untie the laces on my sneakers until I am putting them ON.

12 DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Fairly...but only because I'm aware of and generally patient with my weaknesses. GENERALLY.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
There's this stuff they have at Amy's on rare occasions called, I think, Aztec Chocolate. It's white chocolate with a hint of cayenne. Smooth and easy, but with a sudden bite as it goes down. Yum!

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Probably smile and eyes.

15. RED OR PINK?
Red, but the arm warmers that Susan made me a couple of years ago involve some really nice shades of pink that make me appreciate it more when the weather is cold.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
My awkwardness in unfamiliar social situations.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST
Right now...I really miss my friend robby caldwell. I haven't heard from him in years.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
I am only sending it to one person, so...no.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
aqua sweat pants and no shoes. I am wearing an orange fleece sweatshirt that clashes horribly with the pants, but it's pj's and it makes Monk laugh when I wear clashing clothes. He says I look like a lollipop.

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Homemade baked shells and cheese. I should probably eat some breakfast.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Right at this moment, it's The Cure...but I have my entire music collection on shuffle, so you never know what's next. Oh...it just changed to Explosions In The Sky.

22. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Lime Green

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Lavender, sweet olive, wet leaves, the chest of the man I love.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Tracy. He called to tell me I butt dialed him and he eavesdropped on a conversation I was having with my co-workers about lime green knee socks. ha ha ha.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
Well, she's my sister, so I guess I am OBLIGATED to love her or something. hahaha. Kidding. Sure, I like her ok. :P

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Probably football, because it reminds me of my childhood. But I also like gymnastics and diving and swimming. And figure skating.

27. HAIR COLOR?
Brown

28. EYE COLOR?
Brown

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No. I did at one point, but they gave me the WORST eye boogers ever in the history of eye boogerdom.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Someone asked me this last night...sort of. They were like "What's the vegetarian version of, like, LOBSTER or something extravagant?" I dunno. I really liked that homemade mac and cheese. I love anything with basil, whether it's italian or asian food. I love artichokes. SOUP! And Indian food.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
If I have to choose between those two...I'd probably go with scary.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Movie? hm...do documentaries count? I watched Rivers and Tides over and over again. Before that, the last MOVIE I watched was probably Network.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Ah …here it is…well look above for this answer…

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Winter, definitely. But in terms of seasons, I am more of a fall/spring person.

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Both, please! Also, lots of snuggling. :)

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Carmelita bars! Or fresh raspberries.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? ???

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND ????

39. WHAT BOOKs ARE YOU READING NOW?
A People's History of the United States, by Howard Zinn and Women in Love by D.H. Lawrence. I started reading Sarah Canary by Karen Joy Fowler, but found it so dreadfully boring and disconnected that I had to put it aside & I don't think I will ever try again. I hate having my time wasted by overcomplicated bullshit. hahahaha. I think I'm actually pissed off at the author for that book.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Don't have one.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV.LAST NIGHT?
Hm...my usual reruns that I watch while working: Family Guy, Sex in the City, and Frasier.

42. FAVORITE SOUND?
Rain falling on dead leaves.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Beatles.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Hmmm...That's tough to say. I guess it would be Portland, OR.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Ha. Some say I do.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
IL

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING?
Everybody's...because I am nosey!

----------------
Now playing: Colin Bailey/Monty Budwig/Vince Guaraldi - Greensleeves
via FoxyTunes

Posted at 8:23 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

From my private journal 12/8/2007

December 8, 2007

12/8/2007 4:34 PM

"We could be together if it wasn't for that...which...is...in the way." -smart went crazy

(I begin with a word play exercise...) dogged damn driven this damp hypocrisy. Not knowing, ever going, system flowing, bloom growing. Interpreted endless moratorium on instinctual endlessness. Yesterday the skies were pink and blue. Pink and blue. Like a cheesy nursery painting, but more beautiful because more true. The realer the better, the better the realer. Convince condescend recind recondense. Retroactive recidivistic atavistic clamor.

I get up and get more coffee and think "If I had to think about a higher purpose, I would not be able to make it through one day." Amazing how some struggle through life trying to find it. Higher purposes are for those who believe in higher beings. What matters is right now. We can only exist to be here right now. I made someone laugh the other day, and that served a higher purpose. On occasion, we crawl outside of ourselves and have an effect on other people. That is a higher purpose. Some people have a broader reach than others - does that mean their higher purpose is higher or more purposeful? No. Usually it means that, by luck or circumstance, generally, more people notice something that they have done. It is amazing to me that an athiest, no less, would be depressed due to a sense of lacking purpose in life. Life is for the living. You have as much fun as you possibly can in as many different ways as possible without hurting other people too terribly much. If you fuck up, you apologize and try again...because you're going to have to live with the consequences if you don't, and that makes everything else slightly to way less fun. And, yes...by the way...fun is a totally arbitrary term that could, depending on the circumstance, mean laughing out loud at the bark of a tree or crying in anguish over the thought of never knowing anyone else who will ever be able to laugh out loud at the bark of a tree with you. Or, perhaps, knowing someone who is fully capable of understanding the ecstatic possibilities of the bark of a tree, but they are so hung up on never accomplishing anything in life that they can't allow themselves to laugh out loud, and when they do, they spend days afterward pondering the implications of having done so.

Living a fulfilled life does not mean living a life of mindless mirth. It is living a life of benevolent (fully aware) bliss. It means being turned on to life so much that at times the squelching dissonance of it all makes you want to cover your ears, hide under all of your covers, and weep for days and days.

If I had to focus on a higher purpose. If I had to think about making something of myself...I would not be able to raise children. And it's difficult enough without that distraction.

"They don't call me a con artist for no reason!" -smart went crazy

But it's silly to dwell, even on these kinds of conversations. They are small feelings or ideas blown up into huge, unmanagable preponderances. An entire cage built in a moment takes a life time to disassemble. It is enough to have to remember to look at the sky and see the natural beauty of pink and blue uncorrupted by gender-based marketing aesthetics.

I drink more coffee. Listen to some music. The kids play video games in the other room. The day has been oddly productive. I get frustrated with them. I try to give them methods to our madness. There are times when I wonder if I am cut out for this. Then again, there are times when I wonder if I am cut out for anything. That's when I remind myself that there is no higher purpose. There is just right fucking now. And if what I am doing right fucking now isn't immediately gratifying, then it better damn well be contributing to some sort of gratification down the line.

It's funny how it's always the most amazing people who worry about not satisfying some higher purpose. You don't see these qualities in yourself because you are too busy worrying about distancing yourself from any responsibility. You feel guilty over the fact that you haven't accomplished anything. You don't realize that it's everyone else who hasn't accomplished what you have accomplished - making it this far with soul intact. Everyone else is turned off. You are a lighthouse blinking and unwavering...beaming brightly on barren shores. Yes, it looks deserted. That's because everyone else has already given up.

"DC will do that to you..." -smart went crazy

But, you know, what do I know? I have my own issues. I alternate between catalyst and cataclysm on a seeming hourly basis.

"I fell beneath the grating of the world...or maybe I was born there..." -smart went crazy

(it doesn't really matter now...least of all to you.)

And it's funny, because nothing describes my joy of life better than that. It's a feeling that is so good, it makes me weep with abject sorrow that I can't express it better or share it.

Posted at 6:10 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

No fucking way!

December 8, 2007

Dear Mr. or Ms. OUR GOVERNMENT:

If you are going to wage ridiculous wars in my name, and insist that young men and women die for your enrichment...please at least pay them the paltry sum you have promised regardless of whether or not they are too injured (mentally, physically, spiritually, or otherwise) to complete the task.

Sincerely,
Me.

kdka.com - Military Asks Wounded Soldiers To Return Portions Of Signing Bonuses

The U.S. Military is demanding that thousands of wounded service personnel give back signing bonuses because they are unable to serve out their commitments.
To get people to sign up, the military gives enlistment bonuses up to $30,000 in some cases.

Now men and women who have lost arms, legs, eyesight, hearing and can no longer serve are being ordered to pay some of that money back.

(link courtesy of this post at echidne)

Posted at 1:33 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack