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« No fucking way! | Main | A survey... »
From my private journal 12/8/2007
December 8, 2007
12/8/2007 4:34 PM
"We could be together if it wasn't for that...which...is...in the way." -smart went crazy
(I begin with a word play exercise...) dogged damn driven this damp hypocrisy. Not knowing, ever going, system flowing, bloom growing. Interpreted endless moratorium on instinctual endlessness. Yesterday the skies were pink and blue. Pink and blue. Like a cheesy nursery painting, but more beautiful because more true. The realer the better, the better the realer. Convince condescend recind recondense. Retroactive recidivistic atavistic clamor.
I get up and get more coffee and think "If I had to think about a higher purpose, I would not be able to make it through one day." Amazing how some struggle through life trying to find it. Higher purposes are for those who believe in higher beings. What matters is right now. We can only exist to be here right now. I made someone laugh the other day, and that served a higher purpose. On occasion, we crawl outside of ourselves and have an effect on other people. That is a higher purpose. Some people have a broader reach than others - does that mean their higher purpose is higher or more purposeful? No. Usually it means that, by luck or circumstance, generally, more people notice something that they have done. It is amazing to me that an athiest, no less, would be depressed due to a sense of lacking purpose in life. Life is for the living. You have as much fun as you possibly can in as many different ways as possible without hurting other people too terribly much. If you fuck up, you apologize and try again...because you're going to have to live with the consequences if you don't, and that makes everything else slightly to way less fun. And, yes...by the way...fun is a totally arbitrary term that could, depending on the circumstance, mean laughing out loud at the bark of a tree or crying in anguish over the thought of never knowing anyone else who will ever be able to laugh out loud at the bark of a tree with you. Or, perhaps, knowing someone who is fully capable of understanding the ecstatic possibilities of the bark of a tree, but they are so hung up on never accomplishing anything in life that they can't allow themselves to laugh out loud, and when they do, they spend days afterward pondering the implications of having done so.
Living a fulfilled life does not mean living a life of mindless mirth. It is living a life of benevolent (fully aware) bliss. It means being turned on to life so much that at times the squelching dissonance of it all makes you want to cover your ears, hide under all of your covers, and weep for days and days.
If I had to focus on a higher purpose. If I had to think about making something of myself...I would not be able to raise children. And it's difficult enough without that distraction.
"They don't call me a con artist for no reason!" -smart went crazy
But it's silly to dwell, even on these kinds of conversations. They are small feelings or ideas blown up into huge, unmanagable preponderances. An entire cage built in a moment takes a life time to disassemble. It is enough to have to remember to look at the sky and see the natural beauty of pink and blue uncorrupted by gender-based marketing aesthetics.
I drink more coffee. Listen to some music. The kids play video games in the other room. The day has been oddly productive. I get frustrated with them. I try to give them methods to our madness. There are times when I wonder if I am cut out for this. Then again, there are times when I wonder if I am cut out for anything. That's when I remind myself that there is no higher purpose. There is just right fucking now. And if what I am doing right fucking now isn't immediately gratifying, then it better damn well be contributing to some sort of gratification down the line.
It's funny how it's always the most amazing people who worry about not satisfying some higher purpose. You don't see these qualities in yourself because you are too busy worrying about distancing yourself from any responsibility. You feel guilty over the fact that you haven't accomplished anything. You don't realize that it's everyone else who hasn't accomplished what you have accomplished - making it this far with soul intact. Everyone else is turned off. You are a lighthouse blinking and unwavering...beaming brightly on barren shores. Yes, it looks deserted. That's because everyone else has already given up.
"DC will do that to you..." -smart went crazy
But, you know, what do I know? I have my own issues. I alternate between catalyst and cataclysm on a seeming hourly basis.
"I fell beneath the grating of the world...or maybe I was born there..." -smart went crazy
(it doesn't really matter now...least of all to you.)
And it's funny, because nothing describes my joy of life better than that. It's a feeling that is so good, it makes me weep with abject sorrow that I can't express it better or share it.
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Comments
If I had to focus on a higher purpose. If I had to think about making something of myself...I would not be able to raise children. And it's difficult enough without that distraction.
i have come to believe that there IS no higher purpose than raising children, nor is there anything greater one could make of oneself than a person who raises children. there may, perhaps possibly, be things that are equally elevated and important, but nothing more.
i don't think there is any job harder, or more rewarding. i don't think there is anything that is more critical for the survival of our species, our ecosystem, our planet. i don't think there is any more important battle to be fought on behalf of our liberty. i think giving birth to, nurturing and teaching a child how to find their place in this world is the ultimate revolutionary act. certainly there are things that people who are not raising children do that are also important. but nothing important disincludes children from consideration one way or the other. i think that "child-free" is the ultimate in what we call privilege.
but what do i know. i'm just an aging punk rock singer with delusions of grandeur.
sending you some virtual birthday cake.....