Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings: Ye Olde Change of Seasons Post

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« I'm just gonna close my eyes for a second... | Main | It always comes back to this... »

Ye Olde Change of Seasons Post

December 20, 2007

It's about that time of year, and I have been reflecting and projecting like a being possessed. And perhaps I AM a being possessed.

I have about 8 more hours or so of work ahead of me before 2 glorious weeks off. Some fun celebrating planned, some surprises for the kiddos. Some alone time for mama...hopefully time to create and plan. You know. It's that time of year.

My life has fallen into a predictable rhythm with periods of dissonance and chaos, rather than the other way around. That has all happened gradually over the past few years, and it has taken some getting used to. I still find myself rummaging around for the basic elements of chaos when things get too "boring," but I am learning to settle. I am learning to be calm. I am learning to surrender and accept. Over and over and over again, I am learning.

I am also unlearning and relearning things. Unraveling that which has contributed to patterns that aren't useful, even if they appeared to be so at the start. Starting over at a manageable point to recreate the pattern. Sometimes I unravel too much, and I have to rework the same pattern to get back to where I need to deviate. Sometimes I don't unravel enough, and end up in another unworkable pattern.

But, you know...it's all part of life. I've been paying attention to things. Trees and birds, mostly...but also people. I watch the couples around me and witness their interactions. I watch friends and acquaintances get entangled and unentangled and re-entangled. I watch people put up with shit that I don't think they should have to put up with, and reject shit that to me seems perfectly tolerable. I am confounded by all of this, so I return to watching the birds and examining the intracacies of tree bark.

I have been thinking about my mom a lot these days. About the payoff and price of living a solitary life. I wonder how much of it was a choice and how much was unchosen. Being unchosen. I wonder about how much of my own solitude is chosen.

I am wondering how many times things can fall apart and come together again before I truly truly believe that things will always come together again in times when it seems that everything is falling apart.

And I am sitting here. Feeling content. Relaxed. Unhurried. Cooking some lentil soup, and cleaning up the house while the kids play some invented game with a bazillion rules all made up as they go along. I'm thinking about the coming weeks that now seem to slumber sedately in front of me, but which I know will rise up like a tiger and devour themselves as soon as I step into them...

and then it will be back to the routine. Which is how things go. And I will ride it all out until the next seasonal change. Learning and doing and changing and fucking up and falling apart and coming together again...

Like always.

Peace to you all on the longest night, and in the lengthening days to follow.

Posted at December 20, 2007 12:48 PM

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