Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings: Ye Olde Birthday Poste.

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« It always comes back to this... | Main | Yo-Yo (part 1) »

Ye Olde Birthday Poste.

January 6, 2008

Hello. It is my birthday today.

Or it was...yesterday. About 11 minutes ago is, I suppose, when it technically ended.

And it was a good day. It began, I suppose, with the evening before. I had a nice hangout with a good friend. I suppose you can go back even further to the afternoon before, when I got a haircut.

To tell the damn truth, I have been on vacation from work and kids for over a week, and I feel like I have been contemplating, anticipating, prevaricating, pontificating, and celebrating the end of the 38th year of my life and the embarkment on the 39th for pretty much the entire time I have been existing in this strange realm of absolutely no responsibility for a single other human. So pardon me if I don't allow the celebration part to last a bit longer than the actual day in question.

It has been a particularly thinky time off for me. Partially due to the fact that I am always thinky this time of the year...but also due to the fact that I have recently had some distressing news about the health of my mother. I am not sure if it's normal for a person to be thrown into self-examination when faced with the potential of a parent dying, or if I am just an exceedingly self-centered person...but the news of my mother's ill-health has forced me to do a whole ton of thinking about who I am, what I am doing, what I plan to do, and how the hell am I going to do it.

Of course there is worry for my mom in there, and worry about the rest of the family. I am trying hard not to overdo any of it. And I suppose it is actually healthy to be self-reflective at a time like this, because the only person in this equation who I have any control over is my damn self...or maybe that's just, you know, rationalizing.

Anyway, I keep finding myself trying to find words for all of this, and having difficulty expressing...and I think it's because it's too much for one sitting, and try as I might to get it ALL out, I can only get out a little at a time. And I am thinking perhaps that is the best way to write about it as well as deal with it all emotionally. One little piece at a time...consistently and methodically. Well, perhaps not either of those in terms of tenor and tone, but definitely in terms of frequency.

I think that's the first step in this process...the decision that processing is going to occur. And I intend to take a little time each day to write a bit about what I am thinking, feeling, creating...or just noticing. Just one item a day...maybe sometimes more than one...that indicates where my head was at that day.

I think one thing I did wrong in 2007 was to stop writing as frequently. Whether it is public or private, I need to make space for myself to write every day. To work through whatever it is I need to work through...and hope that somewhere along the way, someone who needed to hear about what I was working on might read something I had to say and perhaps not have to start at complete and absolute square one.

Posted at January 6, 2008 12:10 AM

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Comments

Happy birthday! and yes, all you can do is what you need to do for yourself and try to help others along the way...Sorry to read about your mom. Unfortunately, I know how that is...and it does lead to a lot of introspection.

Posted by: anna at January 6, 2008 3:24 PM