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« Coley has been sick... | Main | Is it just me...? »
An Update.
February 13, 2008
So here is what is up in my little corner of the world. In between reading headlines about the end of the world being nigh and all of the political infighting on the part of two politicians who pretty much have the same agenda (come to think of it, don't they all?) and economic and environmental collapse I am parenting. I am being a mom. I am being a boss. I am being a daughter. I am somebody's lover. I am somebody's friend. And I am trying to remember to breathe and stay focused on my little world, even though it feels smaller and smaller and less impactful all the time.
The kids are doing great. M, after a few weeks of trying his hand at being an obstinate, rebellious pre-teen is now testing what it's like to be cooperative and sweet. I, of course, prefer the latter, although the former is in interesting challenge for me. C is still zippy and bouncy and the sayer of weird stuff like "What happens when you try to take a zombie's pulse?" They are both learning and growing and failing and trying again, as am I.
My job is going well, but it's stressful. And there are some potentially stressful changes coming up that I don't want to have to deal with right now, but I will have to whether I like it or not. Damn the timing! But I have an awesome group of kids I am working with...and a great organization...and a wonderful slew of clients...and it is a rare day that I don't thank whoever is in charge of this weird, disordered universe that I somehow ended up in just the right place at just the right time with just the right skills to land this job.
My love life? Meh. hahaha. Not so much. But I'm getting by. A dear old friend asked me, a few months ago, "Lainie...how's your love life?" I responded that if he knew any men who would appreciate a 38 year old woman who spent two hours on her day off from work and children staring at, taking pictures of, and filming a lizard as it slithered around her window...and then spent the next 2 weeks talking about it excitedly...and pretty much spends all her free time staring at trees and birds and the sky...they need to call me. Until then, it just seems like most men really don't get me, or want me to be someone I am not, or want me to give them an inordinate amount of attention in exchange for very little...or are just plain tragically impossible.
Yesterday I told M that his mamaw has cancer. I haven't found a way to tell C yet. C is so sensitive. M is, too, but he's more able to handle news like this. C gets really emotionally affected by the news on the radio. He will cry when he hears a story about a kid who drowned in a flood. It's ironic that we started reading Ida B right before I found out about my mom. That was two months and two chapter books ago. Now we are reading On The Banks Of Plum Creek and I am only just now admitting to myself that the children need to know. That it probably wouldn't be fair for me to Just Not Tell Them. Well, also...that it's not something that will Quietly Go Away.
About my mom's cancer...I just don't even know where to begin. I am overwhelmed by a flood of self-examination...and not just of the boobie kind. Odd how cancer is so metaphorical. There are so many nodes and so many cells to evaluate. I am stuck wondering which are benign and which need to be excised. What to rid myself of and what to keep. What my options are and what is just not even within my control.
It's strange that I never have given a thought to my mom's mortality. Really, I haven't given much thought to my own mortality for quite some time...if ever. For awhile there, it seemed like people around me were dying young all over the place, so I guess I just thought I was lucky to hang in for as long as I have. Now, I'm like "Crap...you mean my time is limited here? Shit!" And then I busy myself with all of my goings-on until I am too distracted by living to focus too much on death.
But it's still there. And lately it is a little too close for comfort, like an old cat perched on the arm of the sofa, silent and still so that I hardly notice it. I forget it's there until it opens its slitted eyes, stretches, and meows loudly for attention.
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Comments
i think our denial about the destruction of the world, like our denial about our own mortality, helps us to function on a day to day basis. currently, i am re-evaluating the value of "functioning on a day-to-day basis". i figure i might as well try it before i knock it.
it's wonderful to hear you are doing so well - sorry about the heavy issues pressing in on you. if i would give you any advice, which as you know i often can't stop myself doing no matter how hard i try, i would say: LEAVE NO UNFINISHED BUSINESS. that's really about all we can ask of ourselves, and it's not a bad way to live in general.