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« Link Time! | Main | So much to write about, so little time... »
How's hope feeling today...
July 8, 2008
I am thinking about contentment. About how sometimes contentment keeps us in situations that we should not be in...and how sometimes contentment keeps us out of situations we should be in. I am thinking about the relativity of contentment, and how contentment can be a good thing, but can also be indicative of a fear of change. An unhealthy fear.
There is just such a fine line. It can be difficult to know when it's best to grin and bear it, and when it's better to make changes. And of course, I started thinking about this as it related to other people I know. You know...those OTHER people who are all walking around blindly screwing each other up and doing stupid shit that *I* would *never* (!) do! hahahaha.
But, you know how that goes. You can only sit on that limb for so long before you realize there's nothing holding it up, and before you know it, you have fallen down among the grit and dirt of *those* people because (you knew all along) you are doing the exact same thing you are criticizing from above.
Ha. Ah, well. As Maude (from Harold and Maude) would say about people "They're my species."
So I am thinking about this...safety. Safety in life. Safety in love. And contentment, which is a kin to safety, but perhaps not always.
It's funny how one trip to the therapist can reveal so much. She's a tricky one! She only had to ask one question, and I don't even think I answered it out loud. I don't have to reveal to her what I am working on in order for the work to bear fruit. She asked one question (which probably wasn't even a question) made one observation...and provided me with one, simple validation.
What I came away with was this: All of my life, almost every effort I have made to set boundaries with the people close to me has been nullified. The boundaries and barriers are bulldozed. It happened with my siblings, it happened with my parents, it happened with my lovers, with my husband...and it would have continued but for one thing...well, two things:
* I stopped trying to set boundaries
* I had children who force me to set boundaries and usually respect them
I am still working on figuring out what all of this means. I find it funny that though I am tempted to parent without limits and only deal in natural consequences, at least one of my children is constantly telling me he needs limits and consequences. So, I do step out of my comfort zone to provide him with those as necessary, although probably not as much as they would like. Perhaps there is some middle way.
And I'm not sure if I actually think it's necessarily bad to not set boundaries with the people I love. I find that it forces me to look at things from a wide variety of perspectives, and to really consider why people do the things they do. Of course, it also forces me to but up huge walls so I don't risk allowing too many people in at once. Because without barriers, it's kind of difficult to host a crowd. So, sometimes it feels lonely. And sometimes I don't get what I want because asking is a form of coercion in my world.
Most of the time, I am content with the way I am...but I am not sure if that is a contentment that keeps me from doing something better, or if it's a contentment that keeps me from doing something worse.
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Comments
i have a friend who is very evolved...whose mother (now deceased) was very evolved...and yet my friend's mother respected none of her boundaries, and so she is obsessed with setting them with hyper-clarity in every situation. the thing is -- she is so very aware of her own boundaries, but not those of others. my way of dealing with the same thing was to be hyper-aware of the boundaries of others and to never set them for myself. consequently, i turned out a doormat, and she turned out a weirdo. a mutual friend tries to find a balance between the two extremes - and just ends up being disappointed by or hating nearly everyone. so what can you do? a well-developed sense of humor seems to be required, which i know you have. i suspect that you're farther along that particular journey than most.
I am a doormat AND a weirdo. :P
I hope you are doing well, mr. r@d@r.