Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings: Day in the Life Archives

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Flickr Photo Tuesday

January 16, 2007

We have been iced in here for 2 days, going on three. So, I decided to spend the day taking pictures and recording sounds.

The pictures are here:

The sounds have yet to be uploaded. I'm not sure if I will have time to edit them down.

Enjoy! And stay warm!

Posted at 10:08 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Weird Night.

August 16, 2006

Some water pipe busted yesterday on my street around 7ish, and we didn't have water all night. We were worried that we'd be out for days, judging from the antics of the people doing the repairs. I sent the kids to bed early because they were starting to formulate doomsday plots in their heads about dying of thirst.

So I go and check my email, and receive some jarring news from someone that keeps me awake, distraught, hurting like hell and upset most of the night. By 3 in the morning, I was about to say "fuckitall" and take myself out for my usual walk, but I gave myself another chance to fall asleep. I told myself if I wasn't asleep by 3:30, I would just take a walk, and the rest of the day be damned.

Thankfully, I fell asleep.

I say thankfully because early this morning, my housemate called me on her way out to her car. There is a dead body in the park across the street. Knowing that I sometimes take late-night walks (or used to...I'm not so sure I'll be able to muster the courage anymore) she was checking to make sure it wasn't me.

Now, whether that dead body COULD HAVE been me...or whether I might have stumbled upon it on my late night cavorting...either way - fucking creepy, man.

I guess that should put my heartbreak in perspective. Unfortunately, it does not. I am still broken to pieces, on the verge of tears, weeping like a freaking willow...all that. Now I'm just doing that with the idea that I can't even fucking take a midnight walk to settle my nerves without having to worry about getting shanked.

And, of course, I'm not finding anything on the local news. Just like there was not a word of the water issue on the local news last night. So, it's doubtful if I will find out if someone was murdered in the park, or if someone just collapsed in the park, or whatever the fuck else might have happened.

Posted at 7:57 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

My Mad Scientist.

May 9, 2006

The boys had a doctor's appointment this afternoon, so I was trying to keep them on task in the morning so we didn't have to waste the whole day for one appointment, which is what happens a lot...too much...around these parts.

Monk had this idea in his head to do a science experiment involving flammable liquids. I was dubious about the possibility of setting liquids on fire in my kitchen, but I let him lead the way. My first mistake was to mention the scientific method to Monk, and let him know that there are certain things scientists do to ensure their experiments are done correctly. He wanted to quit once I tried to apply my fascist laws to his whimsical "setting things on fire" project...so I chilled out. I was just like "Look, all I'm saying is it's a good idea to think about the experiment and try to guess what will happen based on what you are doing. He stopped being all floppy after that, and directed me to the tools he would need.

What he wanted to do, basically, was set a candle on fire and douse it with water to see if the water would catch on fire. It didn't work, so I started to look up other experiements we could do with fire on the internet. Monk was pissed. He didn't want to do an experiment someone ELSE has already thought of...he wanted to do his OWN experiment and discover something NO ONE ELSE has discovered yet. I felt empathy for the little dude, but...I mean...we were working in a KITCHEN with a candle and an old jelly jar. I offered to try to set up a field trip with a chemistry teacher at UT and see what we could uncover that way. No. That wasn't good enough. He stalked off to his room and shut the door so he could collapse in a frustrated, mopey heap on his bed.

I followed after him. "Look, Monk." I said. "You have my full attention for at least the next 30 minutes. I have an idea! Why don't we take three strips of paper: douse one in water, one in oil, and leave one dry...and see which one burns fastest."

Monk said "I would have done that if YOU hadn't thought of it!"

*sigh* "OK, bud. I'm going to just leave you in here for a little while, and when you think of a good experiment, we can do it."

He came out 5 minutes later "Why don't we set a jar of oil on fire."

We tried it. Armed with baking soda (Lesson #1: I got to explain how oil fires spread when you try to put them out with water. I even showed him how oil and water don't mix, and explained that fire needs oxygen and baking soda smothers the fire) we tossed a lit match into a jar of vegetable oil. The oil doused the flame before it caught fire.

"You know, Monk..." I said. "I have set oil on fire in this house, but I had to burn it really bad, first." We tried heating up the oil in a boiling pot of water to see if we could safely approximate hot oil. Nope. Nothing doing. (Lesson #2: Using a double boiler to heat up a liquid without burning or scorching it)

So, we resorted to the internet, where we learned that the boiling point of oil is up to 5 times higher than the boiling point of water. We learned that oil actually starts to smoke and becomes dangerous long before it boils or burns. We learned that it would be much more painful to be boiled in oil than it would be to be boiled in water. We learned why foods that are boiled in water have a different texture than foods that are fried in oil.

It is amazing how many lessons we learn in failure. I think THAT was the most important lesson of them all.

Posted at 7:53 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Eternal Sunshine

April 4, 2004

Yesterday was good. I slathered on the sunscreen for my day's journeys and walked 3/4 of a mile to the bus that would whisk me downtown to the events center where the annual "Celebration of Families" was being held. And then I wandered around looking for the correct entrance to the Palmer Events Center. And then I walked in, wandered around, found a place to dump some flyers, and left, catching a bus back up to the heart of downtown where I sat at Little City with a sandwich and some thoughts and wrote that last entry.

I did a bit of work, did a bit of surf, decided to take the bus up to J's house for our hot date, checked the bus schedules to find the route information, and hopped the number three.

I ended up taking the number three too far, listening to Franti and reading ee cummings The Enormous Room, which is thus far quite engaging. So I got off the bus and walked at least a mile to J's where I gave and received enthusiastic hugs and babbled on about my day to J, who always seems to want to listen to such things.

We went to Goodwill to see if I could find a mitt for myself, and then went out to eat at Madras Pavilion, which was quite tasty. quite. And then to the movie which we were going to see at Alamo, but which we ended up seeing at the Arbor. No matter. The Arbor has those snuggle seats where you get to lift the arm up and cuddle with your neighbor. My neighbor was quite cuddly, so I enjoyed that immensely.

What to say about Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind? I'm still thinking about it. I liked it. I think I would like to see it again. One thing that struck me as I was walking out looking at the crowd was that there were so very many people who were all so very apparently different, and yet I got a sense that all of them - or most - were feeling like at least one of the characters in the movie was descriptive of them and/or someone they loved. It was a very unifying feeling, and I don't think I get that very often when I go to movies. I think Big Fish was the last one that gave me that impression, only with Big Fish it was more of an intangible identification. I think Eternal Sunshine included so much of what goes wrong and right in relationships between people who are essentially very dissimilar that people were able to identify their own qualities in the qualities of the characters.

At any rate, the movie did end, even though I don't think I really wanted it to, and J and I headed back to his place. We had ambitious plans of going to a book store after the movie (or before?) but we were thrown for a loop by the change in venue, so we found ourselves with some spare time at the end of our evening, and we used it well.

J and I had some issues last week, and we resolved them easily and without resorting to blame and belicose biliousness. It was nice, and very healing. I'm accustomed to having any issue I raise in the context of a relationship turned back on me so that I become the one who is to blame. J did none of that. He very patiently listened to my halting concerns - concerns which I had held inside out of this learned aversion to conflict - and took concrete steps to correct the problems that were in his control to correct. The whole thing was very healing, and I feel as if my heart has grown ten times to encompass my feelings for him. He's a wonderful man.

On my long walk to J's house yesterday, I was thinking about my reactions and all of my shortcomings and misgivings. It occured to me that so much of my stress comes from external forces over which I have little to no control. I'm excited about the process of removing these forces from my life, even though it might be a painful process for me to discover all of my faults that have been dwelling in the crevices of inaccountability. "I can't help it that I'm grouchy, I'm under a lot of stress." I tell myself sometimes. And it is doubtless true that it takes a Herculean amount of effort for me not to completely explode in a fit of rage when, for instance, I wake up to make some coffee and find that the unwelcome presence in my home has not only left the kitchen in a mess, but has used up all of my expensive vegan creamer, and much of my organic coffee, to boot. And the person who is hyper-critical of my spending habits and the diets of the children has fed them nothing but fast food for the past few days. I'd say I'm expending a lot of energy containing that anger and frustration that could (and will) be much better spent in constructive and positive interactions with my children and others.

So, I'm looking forward to those changes, even though they are scary. I will be exposed. I will really be able to see which neuroses are mine and which are situational. I will be able to sort through those neuroses and decide which are essential to my personality and which are counter-productive, and I will be able to discard those that are counter-productive. For the most part.

For now, though, I'm going to just enjoy the remainder of my coffee and while away the morning, waiting for J to come and do baseball practice this afternoon, and potluck at K8's, and story time and bed time and all the rest.

I hope you have a beautiful day.

Posted at 10:37 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

An eventful day

February 23, 2004

I'm recovering from yesterday. In recovery. It was quite a day. The last thing I remember was Monk saying something like "Today has been a good day so far." That was at, like 11:30 AM. After that, things...well, they didn't get bad so much as...eventful.

First of all, I had totally forgotten what a tremendous pain in the ass it is to have a child transition from diaper to potty. I can't even begin to describe how sick I am of having to clean up various accidents around the house, both human and dog. Coley had 3 or more pee pee accidents yesterday, and he pooped in the bathtub. Then I had two dog poo accidents to clean up (thanks to J, the fence is now fixed, and the dogs are going to be outside most of the day. I think the problem with the poop is that one of the dogs wasn't properly potty trained, and doesn't ask to go out if he has to go. I'm pretty sure the culprit is spike, the newest dog) and my poor, scabby cat is slinking around the house, afraid to come near me because I keep slopping salve all over her itchy back (thanks to k8's mom, I've treated her for fleas, and I'm hoping that at least stops the itching, so I can focus on getting rid of the owies.)

Anyway, between the pee patrol and the various pet maladies, and dear sweet J enduring the children clamoring over him while he performed household maintenance (what a good man he is...) I did manage to clean out the playroom closet in order to transform it into the art supply closet. Meanwhile, as I was cleaning it out, Coley was playing with PAINT (I thought he was playing with play-doh)...so when I finally checked on him to see how he was doing, there was paint all over the floor and his body, which is what prompted the bath of poop. *sigh*

Somehow, we managed to survive the day, and at night I had guests over for dinner. I stepped out when the first guests arrived because I needed a few ingredients for cornbread. When I got back, Monk was screaming that he broke his arm, crying profusely and gripping his upper right arm. I'm thinking "Oh fuck. He doesn't have insurance!" and trying not to convey that panic to monk. But I think I kind of shut down for a bit. I didn't respond to him with the care I would have normally shown, mostly because I was freaked out about not having insurance and the prospect of getting treatment. Plus, I wasn't sure if he was faking it. So I kind of just left him in the bed, because he wouldn't tell me what happened...and went to ask K8's eldest what caused the accident.

I was informed by a very guilty-sounding boy that Monk's accident was the result of a game called "human cannonball." hahahahaha. OK, I can laugh now because everything seems to be OK, AND because at least they moved the cannon from the last time they played where the trajectory would have thrown someone right through a freaking window. I was all "Wait...didn't I ask you guys to not play that game the LAST time you were playing it." Maybe my reason was that I didn't want anyone to go flying through a window, and they figured they had resolved that problem. At any rate, getting upset about the game itself wasn't going to help Monk.

So, I went back to Monk, gently informed him (as if he didn't already know) that any activity with the words "human" and "cannonball" in them was probably NOT something he should be engaging in, and gave him some sliced up apple to eat and some advil for his pain. We all kind of decided that since there was no swelling, even if the bone was broken, it would be OK to wait a bit before going to the emergency room, so I attempted to relax the best I could.

Monk gradually ended up feeling much better. "Mom, the pain is traveling down my arm, and maybe eventually it will escape through my fingertips." he said, at one point. I made him a comfy little nest on the futon in the playroom and set him up to watch Aristocats with K8's youngest. Susan, of comments fame, was reading stories to the kiddos. She's so sweet. Susan...if you read this...I have to tell you that when coley woke up the morning, the FIRST thing he said was "Is daddy here?" (because he's extremely daddy-centric right now) and the SECOND thing he said was "I miss susan and steve."

Anyway, Monk's arm got to feeling better, k8's family left, and we were left with the kiddos and susan and steve. It was getting late, and there was no chance that my kids were going to go to sleep, but it appeared Monk was going to help out with coley by offering to put him into the "black box of tragic death." Coley declined, but fell asleep as SOON as his head hit the pillow after Susan and Steve left. Monk was in bed shortly thereafter. I basically went in to do my night time ritual with Monk and said "Look...I'm spent." and Monk said "That's OK, I'm just going to go to bed anyway." So I was off the hook.

As soon as the kids were abed, though, I felt totally tired. I have a ton of shit I still want to get done, but I just didn't have the energy. So I called my sweetie and talked to him for a little while (you know it's love when I actually use the freaking telephone) and then I traipsed off to bed.

And that was that. I'm sure I can squeeze some righteous indignation about the state of health care into this post, but I'm way too fucking relieved that Monk's ok - both because, you know, it would suck for him if he broke his arm, and because I have like 50 bux to my name until my paycheck this Friday. I did think it was funny, though, that Steve kept trying to discuss deep politics about Israel with us, and all I could think about or talk about was Monk's arm and my panic. Goes to show...something. I'm sure there's something that can be said about that.

At any rate, we're all fine, and it's Monday, and the dogs are outside in their newly-impenetrable yard, and I'm happy and in love, and the kids are happy and watching Sesame Street, and I'm about to do the dishes and surf some news sites, and we have a free day today to laze around the house and maybe go to the playground if it doesn't rain, and the cat's been treated for fleas, and there is food in the fridge, and did I mention I'm in love? And Monk's arm is definitely NOT broken, and I'm really not going to think about the thin thread of my financial situation. I'm REALLY not going to think about that.

Posted at 8:44 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Freecycling Fiend

November 26, 2003

Definitely at the top of the list of things that I am thankful for right now is freecycling. Today I scored some casserole dishes that I really needed because I broke both of mine in the span of about a month, and I was not looking forward to shelling out money for new ones just because I'm clumsy. I'm sure the dog broke one of them, too...but I can't recall clearly enough to blame her.

Although I do blame the dog for the breakage of practically all of the other glass dishes in the house. Anytime a dish is left on the table when no one is in the room - even if only for five minutes - you can bet Miss Twyla will be jumping on the table and dumping the dish on the ground in her frenzy to eat anything that resembles people food.

It is for this reason that I am glad I also picked up a really nice set of dishes. Two place settings only, but a really pretty design that matches with my kitchen. My very own dishes. No one else can use them. I'm so pleased.

I also got to talk for a long time to the woman who is going to be giving me her vacuum cleaner. She is very sweet, but she's ill with pneumonia, so it's been difficult for us to arrange a pick up of the vacuum. We talked for a long time about marriage and divorce and various other things. It was cool. She gave me some good ideas for how to cover the disgusting carpet in that room.

It was a good day, in spite of the fact that coley barfed and monk talked non-stop all day and I'm still not really in a good mama mode with all of the sickness and waking up in the middle of the night to comfort people and stuff. I'm just kind of worn thin. I think Monk really needs to hang out with another kid, but I don't know if he is sick like Coley is, and I don't want to be responsible for someone else's barfy Thanksgiving. I might ask my friend K to pick Monk up tomorrow and take him geocaching without me and coley, though. I'll warn her in advance that he might be carrying a barf virus and leave it up to her. I'm all about letting other people decide whether they want to deal with a potential barf sickness.

Speaking of which, I had this exchange with L today, and I was very proud of myself. I came home a little early from work and thought I might walk the dog before L left. Of course, he was anxious to leave and went outside to smoke a cigarette when I got there, giving me just enough time to watch coley barf all over the couch and the kitchen floor. I was washing him off when L walked in, and I asked him to clean up the mess while I got Coley cleaned off and pajama'd and settled down to bed. L cleaned the couch, but I walked out and there was still a huge puddle of vomit on the kitchen floor. This was the exchange:

Me: There's still some barf on the floor, here are some rags...please clean it up.
L: But, I already cleaned up the couch!
Me (cutting him off): Yeah, and I cleaned up copious amounts of barf last night. Are you going to play tit for tat, or are you going to parent your children?

Gah. I mean, had I not come home from work, what would he have done? Would he have just left the barf on the floor for me to clean up, thinking it was enough to just get coley washed off and taken care of? And what about all of the laundry that was piled in the back room. The barf laundry that I didn't get to during the day.

It's amazing to me how this person's sense of responsibility and accountability is so freaking skewed. How he's ready to leave the MINUTE I get home, whether I am home an hour or two early or not.

At the same time, I was totally surprised in a pleasant way that he has offered to hang out with the kids during the day when I am at my end of year retreat for work. So, I probably should count my blessings. I'm sure if he was reading this, he would say something like "You are never satisfied with what I DO - you are always looking at what I DON'T do." Which might very well be a character flaw of mine, in spite of all of the character flaws that might or might not belong to him.

So, since this post was at least in part supposed to be about things I am thankful for, as I seem to be naturally or artificially inclined to focus on things in that way around this time of year, I will say that I'm thankful for my beautiful children, who I would not have without this man who befuddles and frustrates and angers me. And I am thankful that he will be taking care of them on the day of my retreat. And I will attempt to leave it at that and forget the other as best I can...in the morning...but I reserve the right to bitch about him at varous intervals as necessary.

Now it's 12:30, and it's getting chilly in my house, so I think I will lay down in my bed and snuggle under the covers with my two beautiful boys. And hope that Coley doesn't barf. And hope that everyone is feeling much better tomorrow.

Posted at 12:31 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Halloween Recap

November 3, 2003

I haven't posted much all weekend. It was all kind of a blur, and I didn't have the time or the energy to sit down and write it all down, even though I kind of wanted to. So, now I'm not even sure how exciting this will read to anyone. It wasn't a very exciting weekend - just a very tiring one, but a good one nonetheless. I'm hoping I will be able to channel my thoughts over the constant racket of coley talking and talking and talking and the damn dog barking and barking and barking. Damnit. I know it sounds bitchy, but if the child could go for 15 minutes without talking and if the dog could go 5 minutes without barking, my world would be a lot less stressful.

Anyway...On Friday, I went out for most of the afternoon. I can't even really remember what all I did. I think I had some pizza at Conan's, and then I went to Flightpath and answered all of my e-mail. It wasn't incredibly exciting, but I wasn't really looking for excitement, more relaxation and caffeination. Before I left, Monk had indicated that he preferred to go trick or treating with his papa, but of course L found a way out of it, so when I came home, I was informed that Monk would be trick or treating with me and cole and L took off immediately.

I felt instantly frustrated that here I was in charge of getting both kids ready for trick or treating and that Monk had been talked out of his desire to hang out with his papa on Halloween. I'm feeling like L will do anything to get out of watching the kids, even if it's the kids rather than me who want him to do it. Like he refuses to do anything that will make things easier for me, even if it will also make things better for the kids. And this frustrates me especially because I can't imagine approaching things that way. If I were to approach things the way L approaches them, he wouldn't see them unless they met at the playground and stayed there the entire time L was with them, because it truly is a burden and an inconvenience to allow L to take care of them in my house every day. And I would lock up all of the food because it's a financial burden to allow him to eat my food while he's here. And I wouldn't give a fuck if he missed his damn bus, because it's a burden for me to get home at the time I get home. I do all of these things to make things go smoothly for my children, and they also benefit L tremendously, but he doesn't/won't see it because he's a jackass. And you can bet that if I didn't have to work and the kids indicated that they needed me to be present for something and especially if I was only spending 40 freaking hours a week with them, I would at least attempt to spend some time accommodating them.

But then, I'm not a selfish ass.

I'm afraid I have temporarily abandoned restraint when it comes to calling L a jackass on my blog, but right now he really deserves it. He refused to carve pumpkins with them, wouldn't prepare their costumes...and I got Monk a bike for free, and I'm kind of assuming that he's going to refuse to do the necessary repairs to make it ridable. All of this because he doesn't want to "do things for me." And all of this says to me that either he'd rather be a substandard father than even attempt to make things easier for me, or he really IS a substandard father, and he's using his desire to make my life more difficult (I'm assuming in his mind he's thinking he's "making me do my job" - as if I don't already do enough) to sort of mask the fact that he's really not up for the task anyway.

While I'm on the subject, I'm really growing very resentful of the fact that he's not planning to pay any child support. He hasn't yet, and he doesn't have a steady job, so I'm not sure when or if he will in the future. The more I think about this, the more fucked it is. I can't even imagine being able to choose what jobs I want to take...and being able to choose not earning any money at all...now that I have children. You can't fucking do that! L, if you are reading this, wake the fuck up! You are a parent for fuck's sake. Taking the kids out to dinner once or twice a week doesn't count as financially supporting them. You need to pay for their way. You need to pay for their food, their housing, their clothing AND their incidentals JUST LIKE I DO. Gah. I don't give a fuck if you are "mad at me" for whatever reason, and don't want to give me money for fear that I will...what? What exactly do you think I will spend the money on? Do you think I might go on a tofu binge or something? Exactly what would I spend your fucking money on that wouldn't benefit the kids? A new COUCH, perhaps? Some rugs for the living room? New carpet for their playroom? Paint for Monk's room? Yeah...all of these desires I have to fix up the house are just so DAMN selfish. Snap out of your weird revenge fantasy world and pony up your share of the obligatory parental financial support, asshole. My impression of you worsens each and every day I have to deal with your smarmy idiocy.

phew. Sorry about that. I have been holding that in all weekend, I think. I just really wish someone would let him have it and tell him what an ass he is being TO HIS CHILDREN by not helping out financially. Evidently, he feels that watching them while I am at work is all that is required of him to qualify for father-of-the-year. He's such a hero for actually spending time with his kids on a daily basis that somehow just having him in our life is enough to compensate for the unpaid bills and the house falling down around our ears.

I better stop because my fingers are just typing the most heinous insults and I keep erasing them.

At any rate, L left, and I set to work getting the kids ready for our tricks or treats. The plan was that M and her son P would meet up with us and we would all walk over to pick up K, Monk's friend, who would then trick or treat with us back to our house, where we would watch a movie and eat some pizza.

M was a bit slow getting ready, and the kids were unruly and I was disproportionally agitated with her because that's how I get when people are late, especially when their being late causes me to be late for something. But I managed to contain my frustration, knowing full well that my frustration is more about me being a freak than anyone else being intentionally annoying, and when M called, I set out to meet up with her somewhere between her house and mine.

Coincidentally, we happened to meet up almost directly across the street from the house of the woman who attended her birth of P and my birth of C, which is where I went exactly 3 years ago, a week after cole's birth...and where I have tried to visit first every year.

Coley was so cute in his dinosaur costume, and Monk was a scary green-faced frankenstein's monster (he is thankfully content with just about any costume) and all agitation with M had cleared up the instant I saw her. She is sometimes maddeningly neurotic (as, I'm sure, am I!) but she is such incredibly good company. Really, that's the best way to describe her. She always has something interesting to talk about (for instance, on our walk, she told me about this report on NPR about the myth of candy tampering, after which she concluded "as is typical in the US - the only two things you really need to worry about on Halloween are your family, and cars.") and she keeps me going. I love her dearly, and was thankful to have her along on the 30 minute journey to K's house.

Cole got back into the wagon after trick or treating at the midwife's house and fell asleep somewhere between there and K's house, and stayed asleep through most of the night's adventure...and K was waiting impatiently when we arrived there, and Monk had been so cool about hurrying along and not trick or treating until we picked up K, so we slowly wound our way back home, stopping at various houses along the way to pick up our Halloween booty.

It was really a magical night. Somehow I managed to grow up celebrating Halloween every year, and then had two children of my own who trick or treat on Halloween...and I never realized the social and community implications of the day. But on Friday, the importance of this ritual was hyper-evident. People were out on their porches, talking, excited about the kids...and, yeah, I know it was just candy, but they were all giving generously.

At one point, we ran into two grown men who were dressed up as some sort of lunatic mental ward escapee and his "keeper" - the lunatic was on a leash, and they came RUNNING at us from down the street, lunatic drooling and snarling and keeper trying to hold him back, and it FREAKED MY SHIT RIGHT OUT! They came right up to us, and I was sincerely freaked. The kids, of course, just laughed and said "Cool!" and M and I were like "holy shit I thought we were going to die!" hahaha. But afterwards I really kind of appreciated that it happened, you know? Because how long has it been since I had that kind of thrilling haunted house feeling?

So we continued winding our way through the neighborhood, with Coley totally passed out in the wagon and Monk and Kyra and P running from door to door totally having a great time. I kept trying to get Monk and K to wait up for P, and at one point K (who is prone to being somewhat of a brat, but who frequently makes up for it by being super cool and sweet and smart) yelled back over her shoulder "Oh, come ON...it's HALLOWEEN! Give us a break!" and I ceased trying to rein them in, although I really wish K would have stopped saying "Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat!" at every house.

Anyway, we were out for a total of at least 2 full hours, and the kids came home with quite a stash. Coley woke up and was able to trick or treat at 2 houses before we packed it in. And when we got home, the kids emptied their bags and examined their haul. Monk generously agreed to share with Coley, and since we had not been home all night, we had not given out any of our candy (and our pumpkin was miraculously unsmashed) so we just have tons and tons of candy - so if anyone out there was disimpressed with the results of their Halloween candy crawl, just let me know and I will send you something sweet and tasty.

Then the kids settled in to watch ET, which I had scored at the library earlier that day and even though I was no longer in the mood to make pizza, and it was like 9:30 at night, I was persuaded by pouting K to pop the pizza in the oven and then I allowed myself to be similarly persuaded to call K's mom to ask if K could sleep over. So it truly was like Monk's Dream Halloween with tricks or treats and tons of candy and a movie/pizza/sleepover party - the stuff of dreams, I tell you.

And M stayed through the movie and had pizza and we talked and admired our candy and it was nice to have her there to keep me awake because by this time I was DOG tired.

And then the movie ended, and there was some heated discussion about sleeping arrangements but everything was settled satisfactorily and M left and the kids went to bed and I stayed up a little while later just enjoying the "phew" feeling and had a little chat and then retired to my bed full of my children after tucking K into Monk's bed and leaving the light in the hallway on for her comfort and everyone fell asleep quickly and fell asleep hard and didn't wake up until the morning.

And there's more to the weekend, but I'm going to have to write about it later. That takes care of Halloween, though...how was your Halloween?

Posted at 8:50 AM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Phew.

October 25, 2003

The party is over, the last person left at around 10:45, the kids are asleep, and I am BEAT! Good Lord am I beat.

I spent all day cleaning and cooking. L came by at around 12:30 - half an hour later than he's supposed to be here - and took the kids for about 2 hours. I spent the first hour that they were gone cleaning up and rearranging the house. I discovered that when L replaced the window he broke, he left all of the broken glass laying on the front porch. So I swept that up, and put all of the crap that was sitting on the front porch back in the back closet. It was mostly boxes of baby clothes that were waiting for some charity organization who clearly forgot about us months and months ago to pick them up. So I'll probably wash all that stuff and just drop it off at Safe Place when I get a chance.

So, anyway...I cleaned and cooked until 2:30, when I was so tired and hungry that I thought I was going to pass out and at that point I plopped my tired ass on the couch and watched Rikki...and of course, within 10 minutes, L reappeared with the kids, and I was treated to that look that says "I can't believe you are laying here watching television."

It's funny how I still respond to that look, even though I no longer have to. I never had to, but I have even less of an implied obligation to do so. But this is just an idea of his sense of entitlement. If he had his own place and was watching the children there, it wouldn't matter what the fuck I did when he was gone. But since he refuses to take that responsibility, he walks in whenever he pleases and feels like he can give me judgmental looks about what I've been doing with my time. And I jumped up and turned off the TV. Bah.

Which was actually fine, because I had more stuff to do...but I really need to work on not allowing him to affect me that way.

Aaaaanywaaaay.

Me and coley went out to get the store-bought carrot cake. Damn is cake expensive. No wonder I had planned to make it myself. I'm vowing to begin baking once a week. This is my vow. On Sunday, I will bake.

I came home from the grocery store, and laid down to take a nap. L was supposed to stay until 5:30 - so I figured I had some time. About 10 minutes after I laid down, L basically dumped Coley into the bed with me. This is pretty consistent with his behavior. I was EXHAUSTED. I had been running around all day, preparing for the party and I was very tired. It's really not that difficult to keep the children out of the bedroom for 30 minutes or so while I'm napping. I know this, because L basically slept all day for the last 2 years of our relationship, and I can't remember ever having to dump them on him while he was trying to sleep.

Fuckr.

Did I say that out loud? Sorry.

And what was I going to do? It's coley's birthday, I'm not going to send him out. So I tried to get him to snuggle down to sleep with me, and eventually he lost interest and left the room. I managed to get another 20 minutes or so of sleep before I felt like I should probably get up and finish up the prep for the party. It was around 5, and the minute I stepped into the kitchen, L was all "I guess I'll go then." And, again, what am I going to do? Yell at him? Tell him "No, you are supposed to stay until 5:30, you asshole?" At this point, I was kind of glad to see him go...but this is the kind of bullshit that happens on a regular basis. He, of course, sees nothing wrong with this - and on an isolated basis, there isn't a problem...but it's this little chipping away of the time and the kind of weird power play that occurs with the children between us like a shield.

At any rate...I was tired, but I quickly recovered and finished up the food prep, and I was able to settle into a chair and read the most recent issue of King Kat Comix, which was the best kind of therapy. I love being in John P's world for a little while, it's calming - and it reminds me that good, kind people really exist out there somewhere...and they love me. I have that kind of love in my life, so there's no need to fret too much about the unkindness.

And it was nice when kate arrived - and then everyone else arrived, and food was eaten and the kids had a great time and it was very nice and very fun and very, very exhausting. And I totally forgot to give out the goody bags.

And now I'm just ready to go to bed. So, that's what I'll do.

Posted at 12:10 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

From ER to Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

October 17, 2003

When I came home last night, L informed me that Coley had stepped on a large chunk of glass in the backyard, and that the wound had been cleaned but it was stil tender, and that Coley was doing ok. Then L left.

Did I mention that I do not know where L is living, and I have no way of reaching him by phone?

So, of course, this morning when it was time to deal with all of the doctor-y type things that come from having made the (JOINT) decision to not immunize our children, *I* am the one who has to do it all. I woke up and immediately called the offices of Dr. Day, who is not the primary care physician for the children under the state child medical program we are insured under, but he is the doctor I trust to help me make decisions about healthcare. He is the doctor who very patiently explained the potential side effects of each and every vaccination, and respected our decision to not vaccinate in spite of the fact that he believes all children should be vaccinated. He is the doctor who goes out of his way to stock only mercury-free vaccines.

The decision to not vaccinate my children has been a well-researched and agonizing choice. I'm not absolutely sure it's the right thing to do - which is why you don't hear me talking about it too much - but then, I'm not absolutely sure immunizations are the right thing to do, particularly in the manner in which they are given these days - several at a time, and at a time when a child's immune system is just beginning to develop.

The funny (har har) thing is that I was planning to bring coley in for his Tetanus shot after his third birthday, particularly since my friend R in Germany just had a run-in with the emergency room after her unimmunized daughter got a nasty scrape. The Tetanus vaccine was one of the vaccines I was borderline about, and I was hoping to avoid having to introduce immunoglobulin, which is a blood product, into my child's system. I waited because I knew there was an emergency fallback but I would have preferred the vaccine over that emergency fallback.

At any rate, at least I was well-educated on the subject to correct the nurse when she said that I just needed to come to the office and have them administer the first Tetanus vaccine as they would normally do. I said "I thought he had to get an immuno-globulin shot if he had a wound and hadn't been vaccinated." She said she didn't think so, and that I should come on in...but then called me back five minutes later and said "You know, I just talked to the doctor and you are right. And we don't keep the immunoglob shot here, so you are going to have to go to the emergency room."

She was nice enough to call ahead to the emergency room for me. I love Dr. Day's office. They are like the anti-doctor there. There's no fucking red tape - just people who help other people make informed choices about health care without getting all up in your face about it. I like that.

The emergency room at Seton is halfway under construction right now, so there was no parking. I had to park about 2 or 3 blocks away to avoid paying for parking in the garage. I figured I was just going to walk in, get the shot, and walk out...but I ended up having to entertain two hungry, bored children - one of whom was also grouchy and a little bit frightened - for over 3 hours while they examined, x-rayed, immunized, and then made us wait for 20 minutes to ensure there was no side effect to the immunization. Wonderful. The people who work there are really nice, but I was wishing I had planned ahead and brought some toys or food or my phone or something useful other than my purse and my children.

And the children did pretty well under the circumstances. The other patients in ER were subject to several rousing rounds of "Take me out to the ballgame" with the words "pee" and "poo" and "underwear" interjected at various intervals. And Coley did. not. like. the shot...at all. But we all got over it, and managed to get home with very little hassle, 3 hours older and a little wiser. I told Monk this counted as a field trip for him, and that he was supposed to write a report about all of the people who work in an emergency room when we got home. It should be interesting. He asked the doctor about snake bites, and showed off his newly acquired encyclopedic knowledge of the game of baseball to anyone who would hear him. (Monk has decided he wants to be a baseball player when he grows up, so he can, as he says, "Strike it RICH!" - He wants to be a pitcher, and he's going to have a terrific sinker. A sinker, you see, is a ball that sinks. You throw a sinker by just throwing the ball downwards, towards the ground.)

At any rate, being that I could not contact L, and being that what I thought would take 30 minutes took 6 times that long, we were late getting back to the house, and arrived there an hour past the time he was supposed to watch them. Coley was passed out, Monk was keyed up, and I was ready to burst with frustration. Mama was ready for a break, and if L had shown up and then left, I wasn't going to get one.

Thankfully (?) he was TWO HOURS LATE...so I did get a break. He was worried about Cole...but I kind of wish that worry would have compelled him to maybe have taken care of the emergency room visit himself when the accident occured...or at least prompted him to call this morning to see if I might have needed any help. He said he "figured i would take care of it." Which I guess is the right thing to figure, considering taking care of everything is what I seem to do.

But, at least I got out of the house before I started to get really grouchy. I managed to stay calm through the whole ordeal, even though I really just felt like bursting into tears over the big fucking needle they stuck in my baby's leg. And I handled myself very well as I very calmly explained our situation to the ER staff, who didn't give me MUCH trouble about the vaccination issue - but they were clearly puzzled over the fact that I felt that there was some sort of choice involved in whether or not to vaccinate. When the nurse gave us our walking papers, she said "I know you have researched your decision, but the doctor wanted us to put information about the vaccination schedule in this documentation." I thought it was nice to acknowledge that I didn't just happen to have an unvaccinated child because i was lazy or uncaring.

So, anyway, after L came and sprung me from mamadom, I made a beeline to the movie theater because at this point I HAD to see Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I marched into the theater with my small popcorn and sat my ass in a seat and spent about two hours being absolutely brutalized by this film. It was non-stop. My heart was beating so fast. I haven't seen a horror movie in quite some time, and I know why. It's just too much for me. But I needed it today. I really just needed an escape from all of the pressure and responsibility that always seems to be on my fucking shoulders, you know? I mean, it's not like I minded taking care of things today. It's not like it was anything huge or above and beyond. It's just the fact that it's assumed that I will, and therefore no one else does. Just like it's assumed that I will pay all of the bills and take care of the house and just deal with everything, and somehow that is my baseline whereas for L it is the pinnacle of success. And it's not just how he views me - but when I listen to the radio or watch the news on TV, I hear it there, too. Single mothers are EXPECTED to do everything - whereas fathers are lauded for showing up and maybe paying child support. Just like I'm supposed to be THANKFUL to L for taking care of the kids while I'm at work. Like he's doing ME the favor, rather than just doing what needs to be done to ensure the kids are cared for. Doing the BARE MINIMUM.

But I'm not angry with him. I know this is all he's capable of doing. In my mind I know this. I understand. I am well-aware of his limitations, but that doesn't stop me from feeling frustrated with him and everyone like him...and everything that sets up the scenario where he's comfortable not taking full responsibility. The last two days haven't brought any NEW revalations...I just feel like every once in awhile I need to vent these things - to get them out. Because really when I'm dealing with him face to face (and our situation requires that I deal with him face to face almost every day) it doesn't help for me to even bother to tell him what I want from him. Because any request is a demand to his ears. And any kindness is an insult.

But, whatever. The movie helped a little, believe it or not. It's hyperbolic, obviously, but seeing a woman in a seemingly impossible situation, using her wits and whatever other resources she could find to save herself and the child...I could relate to that. I'm not saying that L is a chainsaw-weilding monster. But the whole fucking world can start to feel that way at times. And it's nice to know that when all is said and done, a well-placed meat cleaver and the ability to hotwire a car is all you really need to battle back.

And I know it goes against my character, but damnit I was cheering when she threw that sucker in reverse.

Posted at 5:52 PM • Comments (8) • TrackBack

My Life Is So Cool

October 14, 2003

I'm really hitting a groove with this single parent thing. I am feeling very free and very happy and loving it. I have a definite rhythm of the day down, and I'm growing more and more able to deal with the need the children have for flexibility and mutability within that rhythm. I have created a great system for keeping the house clean, and I'm slowly slowly slowly reorganizing things so they are the way I want them to be. I know I've gone over this and gone over this a million times in this blog, and I'm probably going to look back on this time in my life 5 years from now and think "Why the fuck was I so obsessed about keeping my damn house clean?" But it does. It makes A Difference.

I've also been able to follow along with some Tai Chi videos that I've had for several years and have never used, becuase I didn't ever really have sufficient private time in which to use them. For out-of-shape me, it's a great thigh workout, and I feel refreshed after doing them - even if I'm only able to grab 15 minutes or so of it before crashing for bed. I'm looking forward to Coley being more able to deal with separation from me in a childcare environment at a gym or something so I can really think about joining the Y and doing some swimming and/or weight training. I dunno if it's that I'm in such close proximity to Coley's third birthday - which was about the time in Monk's life when I got severe baby fever - or if it's just a feeling of gentle closure, but I'm starting to think that I might want another baby in the future...and, for me, it helped a lot to be in good physical cardio-vascular condition when I had Cole. Right now, I don't feel the slightest bit unhealthy, but I do feel as though I would like to improve my strength and stamina. It's just not something I can commit to while worrying about whether Coley is SCREAMING in the childcare room while I'm lifting weights for 15 minutes (Coley's screaming is what is keeping me from going to the UU church on a regular basis. I tried and tried to figure out how to leave him in childcare without traumatizing him, but each time I did, he would just sit by the door and scream for me. And he refused to come into the sanctuary with me, even though children are most definitely allowed during services...so for now, I've put church on the back burner, as well.)

So, yeah. I was actually trying to write about how cool my life is right now, and I'm not sure why I went off on that tangent. I'm done now, though. We have a new Network Administrator here at work and he's a vegetarian and he has become my food buddy. So, when I went to check out Full Bellies, and saw that RedHeadDread had posted a recipe for spicy fries, and squealed "Spicy Fries!" We both kinda decided we needed to go out and get some french fries. So we went to the mall and got spicy fries and smoothies (what a taste combination!) and now I'm back and feeling like my life is even more kick ass than I thought when I first started writing this.

So, um, yeah. I suppose I should get to work trying to figure out what I'm going to say in this blog class tomorrow. And answer some e-mail, and do the million and a half other things that are not getting done while I sit here and muse about how cool my life is. And if I don't do them, I will lose my cool job, and my life will be not so cool.

Posted at 7:59 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

My day, Continued

October 10, 2003

So, I wanted to say a couple of more things about my day.

First, I discovered today that Monk can tell time on an analog clock. It's amazing. No one has taught him this, but he knows. He can't tell me HOW he knows, but he knows the names of the hands and what they are for. We only have digital clocks in this house. I have no clue where he picks this stuff up. I thought I was going to be teaching him something new, and he was so over it. Haha.

I've decided that I'm going to stop pushing the writing on him. He's not interested in it, and it's only making it worse for both of us for me to get all pushy about it. I think it's more valuable for me to record his thoughts and stories than for me to force him to do it himself. Clearly, his ability to think through ideas is stronger than his motor skills allow him to write, and this must be very frustrating for him. So I'm about to tell him that he can learn to write on his own timetable and I was a fool for trying to force it on him.

Also, HUGE news...my friend J from Alaska will be visiting next month. I'm so psyched to see her. It has been years, and it will be like seeing a long lost sister. She sent pictures of her kids and they are so gorgeous. I'm thrilled. I really am. It's going to be so fun. I want to throw a huge party. Maybe that's when I will have my housewarming...because having her there would make it seem complete somehow, as I met her because she used to be married to one of L's best friends. So...yes. This is very good news. I miss having friends take crazy road trips and coming to see me...even though seeing me isn't the entire point of J's crazy road trip, it will be a happy reunion indeed.

Anyway, I'm going to go talk to Monk. Have a good night.

Posted at 10:37 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

I went out on a date tonight...

October 10, 2003

with Monk. Haha...gotchya!

But I couldn't have asked for a nicer companion.

Steven and I have, as part of our agreement, scheduled time for each of us to spend one on one time with each of the children once a month. Tonight was his night with Coley and my night with Monk.

Monk and I had agreed to go to Mangia for pizza - mostly (sadly) because they have a commercial on PBS (you know, non-commercial television?) But I like their pizza because they at least ATTEMPT to make it Chicago style with the sauce on top - even though the sauce is too salty and the crust isn't beer-y enough.

At any rate, before we went to Mangia, we stopped at Half-Price Books and picked up a couple of Goosebumps books for Monk to read at the coffee shop we were heading to after pizza. Then we ate our pizza and Monk made a new friend who was there eating pizza with his mama and his baby brother. Monk had his nose in a book and this kid thought he was a girl...he said something like "Goosebumps? Isn't that for BOYS?" But Monk liked him OK, and I thought he was a nice enough kid. So I exchanged phone numbers with his mom, who also seemed nice enough...although I will probably never ever call her because I'm too phone-a-phobic to do anything like that and also because I'm a big snob and I think I already HAVE the best friends in the world and couldn't possibly ask for any more.

Anyway, so we each had a couple slices of pizza, and then we hoofed back to the car and stashed the pizza box, walked over to Wheatsville, because I thought I would maybe pick up a little magazine for myself to read while sipping a lovely coffee drink.

It was the night of indecision and a clear inability on my part to be a consumer. I could not bring myself to pay five dollars for a magazine when there is so much fine reading on the internet. I would have bought BITCH or PUNK PLANET but neither of these was available, so I bought some incense instead, because I'm running low. Completely a practical impulse buy. I almost bought some tea tree oil, too, but decided to wait until my grocery shopping trip tomorrow for that.

Then it was off to Mojo's, where I ordered an iced Mojo for myself and a lemon-lime juice for Monk. We stayed there for a good two hours, Monk reading his Goosebumps book, reclined on the couch, and me sipping my drink and reading the Chronicle. I am finding it very difficult to read about Texas politics these days. I feel an intense urge to march down to the capital and kick the shins of all of the stupid republicans in the place. Idiots. Fucking idiots. But I refrained from emitting a string of expletives and made it almost all the way through the political section of the paper before Monk decided he was ready to move on to the next destination.

I had thought that we could go buy him some shoes, but Monk's insisting that he will. not. wear. socks, and therefore that the shoes I picked up at Savers a few weeks ago will fit him nicely through the winter. But, while it's altogether possible that he will survive an Austin winter quite nicely without ever donning socks, the mama in me wants to insist that we get him some shoes that will still fit over socks. At the same time, it seems this decision can be postponed until actual cool weather arrives - so I agreed with Monk that shoes were not a high priority at this time.

Then I remembered that I had a Barnes' & Noble gift card which I received as a reward for my promptness in turning in my time sheet at work. Nothing huge - just fifteen bucks. I think my boss actually bought it out of her pocket, because we were only given one card for our TEAM, and she didn't feel like making us arm wrestle for it. But Monk and I had about 2 hours left of our "time" together, so we hoofed it back to our car and drove out to the evil book empire.

Again, my inability to make a decision caused me to default to the children for my consumerist urge. I got Monk both of the new Captain Underpants books, and I also got the Dav Pilkey Halloween book, Hallo-Weiner. At various moments, I was fingering books by the Dalai Lama, Sark, and Michael Moore, but I just can't bring myself to buy books - particularly new books - when there is a library full of good reading, not to mention my own house, which is full of books that I've bought and never read. Ah, the good old days when I was able to allow myself to spend with impunity and little thought of the wastefulness involved. Miraculously, due mostly to this weird new aversion to spending money on books, I was able to escape the evil clutches of B&N spending only 2 dollars and 29 cents of my precious non-gift certificate money...which I had in CASH, so the government will not be able to hunt me down for my suspicious taste in toilet humor.

Bahahahaha.

So, now we are home. The boys are having yet another slumber party in the big bed tonight. We read Hallo-weiner together (it's actually a cute story in which the little guy prevails) and Monk is reading Captain Underpants to Cole while they nosh on some popcorn that I popped for them. It's past bedtime, but I don't really care, as they are entertaining themselves.

At one point, Coley had yet another jumping on the bed and falling and bashing his head on the windowsill incident, which brought tears and a large bump on his head. When I went in there to console him, he KNEW I was going to remind him to please not jump on the bed, so he wailed "I caaaaaan't stop juuuuumping on the beeeed, mama!"

I spoke too soon about them entertaining themselves, and even though there are many more interesting facts about my day to relate here, I should go and somehow convince this little cutey-bug that sleep is a good idea.

I'll post more later.

Posted at 10:07 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Really feeling...quite good, actually

October 6, 2003

I feel like such a goober because I keep writing these posts about how great I'm feeling, but it's true...and I feel like sharing.

Lately, I've found it much easier to keep my house clean. I have an established routine for cleaning, and I'm feeling like everything is slowly coming into some semblance of order. Surely, I can't blame my ex for the state of the house before he left. I don't think he went OUT OF HIS WAY to make it messy or anything, and it's not like he NEVER EVER cleaned up...but for some reason, now that he's gone, I am able to keep it more neat. It's not up to a normal person's standard of orderly, I'm sure, but it suits me just fine. Every night I light some incense and every morning, I wake up to a nice-smelling house that is...orderly. Monk even MADE HIS BED today. He volunteered to do it (I don't think I would ever get to the point where making a bed is mandatory, but I think all of us in our house really like to have our beds made when we can get around to it...mostly because a made bed gets sprinkled with lavender.)

But the thing about today was we were able to do a bunch of cool learning things that flowed completely effortlessly within the context of our day. I've really looked at my "schedule" (the one I tried to pass off as a rhythm) and decided, while it's good for me to have something to go by...we're all much better off the cuff. My compromise is that I have two hours set aside within the day which are dedicated to focusing on the kids, and I do minimal planning for that time, unless there's something really cool that I think the kids will enjoy that might fit in with the day.

Here's what that looked like today. When we woke up this morning, we went for a walk. Then the kids had an hour to goof around while I did some reading and writing and cleaning up (mostly news reading). They were playing with their magnifying glass (I have to pick up another one of those, as it's a very popular item in our house) looking at bugs and Monk was feeding the pets and then playing a computer game. When it hit right around 10, we lit the candle for morning circle.

Yesterday, we watched a Nature show about snakes, and I wrote down some questions about that show that I thought Monk would enjoy answering. I wasn't sure how well it would go over, since quite a bit of time passed from when we watched the show until I asked the questions, but Monk answered them enthusiastically and knowledgeably. There is absolutely no problem with that child's memory. We were able to talk about different kinds of snakes, different methods snakes used to kill their prey, genetics (there was a segment about a guy who hunted rattlesnakes by listening for their rattles - and the documentary made a salient point about how killing the loudest rattlers only creates an environment where snakes are unable to warn off people and animals who are approaching. It was a great talking point and I was able to introduce the basic concepts of genetics, which was so cool.) and issues of ecosystem - like why snakes are important. We also were able to talk about venom and anti-venin and how there are some people and animals who are able to resist snake venom because they are exposed to low levels of it throughout their lives.

It was such rich material, and it felt like...WAS...just a conversation, but it was such an excellent and fun conversation to have to start our morning circle.

After that, we read a bit from an old Highlights magazine, and I read a Thomas book to Coley, and then we whipped out the Childcraft "How Things Work" edition and read about how clean water gets to our houses and how waste water is carried away. The boys both loved the explanation of how a toilet works. Har har.

Then we closed the circle and the kids played for a bit while I got my shit together to go renew the registration for the car. And we drove waaaaaay downtown only to find that the tax assessor's office had moved to about a mile away from where we live, and by the time we got there I was in no mood to stand in line with both kids hanging on me, so we went home.

I tried to do the newspaper scavenger hunt with Monk, but he was SO not into it...even though I thought I had some cool questions (my favorite was "how did the illusionist get mauled" - because I really felt like Monk would appreciate the story of the tiger mauling Roy. He's pretty morbid.) So we just hung out and did some cleaning (this is where the bed-making and the lawn-mower rolling over the rock happened. And at around 2 or so, L came over to watch the kids and I was able to lay down and take one of those really short, but totally refreshing naps. And then I was off to get the registration renewed, return some library books, and come to work.

And that has been my day. I'm loving it. I truly am. I'm kind of pissed because I had wanted to take the kids to the speak-out against racism on campus today, but I totally forgot about it. Monk was kind of eager to go, too...so I'm not going to tell him we missed it.

That reminds me. Yesterday, Monk was sitting in the living room and he said "Mom, next time we go to a protest, can we make a sign that says 'It's not a good idea to go against your allies.'" Because the night before we had talked about who were the allies of the United States, and I had told him that France and Germany were among our allies and they didn't agree with our actions. He's very into military strategy, and now that he's playing Civilizations instead of Age of Empires, I think he's getting a better sense of how important PEACE is, as opposed to war. He is definitely influenced by those games. It makes me sad a little, but he really enjoys them and I think learns a lot from them, so I am trying to reserve judgment. I thought it was a really interesting thing for him to say, though. At least I know he will come with me to the next protest.

Posted at 8:53 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Another exceptionally good day

October 6, 2003

I'm going to try to write this in the same mellow, upbeat mood I was in last night - even though right now I'm pissed because I fell asleep while putting Cole down and now I'm having to listen to his endless requests for a cupcake which I will. not. give him until he eats some real food for breakfast. Not just because I'm evil, but because this child is going through a phase where he is not eating anything good. Why did I buy the cupcakes, then? Don't freaking ask me. Evidently, I was not thinking things through. I rarely buy stuff like that, but the baseball game was on, and I was feeling magnanimous.

At any rate, my day - our day, yesterday was fantastic. It was the kind of fantastic that involved a lot of laying around acting silly and a lot of running around the house cleaning up and some looking out of the window at the lightning and minimal amounts of getting pissed off about things that moms tend to get pissed off about (like teasing your baby brother, climbing on the furniture, and tormenting the dog by chasing her around with a laundry basket.) I got a lot of cleaning done around here, and it's nice to wake up to a tidy house. AND we got to watch the Cubs WIN. I haven't been able to watch the cubs on a regular basis since I left Chicago, so it's a delightful treat that they are going to be in the playoffs so I can see them play.

I'm struggling to think of specific occurances that made yesterday so special. I can think of one - I got a phone call from R, a mama I know in Germany. The rest of the day was just good because it flowed that way. Monk took a bath and Cole took a nap and everyone seemed happy. I made TVP enchiladas for lunch, and we had leftover pasta salad for dinner, and the cupcakes...and the rain, which interfered with our intended walk, but was so nice to watch.

It's too bad I fell asleep rather than taking care of the vital things that needed taking care of that I was saving until After Bed Time...but our field trip to the newsroom was postponed to next week, so I have time today...kind of.

Today will be a nice day for a walk. First thing in the morning. A walk, then breakfast, then stories, then playtime, then lunch, then playtime, then something fun like the newspaper scavenger hunt, then work for me.

It might even be another exceptionally good day today. Who knows?!

Posted at 7:24 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

I wonder how many more times I will be able to get away with this.

September 30, 2003

The boys are having one of their "slumber parties." They don't know it yet, but a "slumber party" is a desperate attempt for mama to get some peace and quiet before the usual bedtime. It always involves letting the boys sleep in the same bed. Sometimes a flashlight, sometimes there's popcorn. Tonight there was an admonishment that they MUST. STAY. IN. BED. (and to please try not to hurt each other). The light was put out about 45 minutes before Monk's usual bedtime, and mama sat in the kitchen with her head on the kitchen table for a little while.

I can here them in there - which is against the rules of this particular slumber party - but I'm not going to go in there. I'm just going to sit here and wait for there to be silence in that general area so I can go about my nightly business. I might even sleep in Monk's bed, after I change the sheets.

It has been. A Day. And not for any reason other than I am tired. Friday can't come soon enough. Work is stacked up for me, and home is also busy. Very busy. Monk has outside the home activities just about every day of the week, I have about a thousand lincoln logs that I need to find and return to Connections, library books are overdue...all of this stuff that really clearly indicates that I need a vacation, but it's not looking like a vacation is imminent because, frankly, I have too much work to do at work.

At work, I'm busy trying to help organize my part of a webraising that will be taking place in November, working on my blogging class, trying to get a volunteer to teach a Photoshop class (which starts in, like, TWO WEEKS), working on pulling some stuff together for a curriculum project we've undertaken, and doing a bunch of general paperwork that is required for the day-to-day operations of where I work. Plus other stuff that I am conveniently allowing myself to not think about for now...I'm sure I'll remember it all when I'm at work tomorrow (oh yeah shit, I need to submit my freaking timesheet.)

The boys just burst from the bedroom, talking about being BORED. They are tired of playing "tomato" - which, apparently, is a game where they both curl up into little balls on the bed, pretending they are "tomatoes" and roll around all over. Coley no longer wants to play that game. He'd much rather throw Lincoln Logs all over the living room (someone PLEASE remind me to NEVER EVER EVER get lincoln logs from connections again.)

Anyway, I allowed myself to look at some paint chips today. I'm getting excited about painting that back room, and I have found someone who will be able to help me. He has all of the painterly supplies that I need, plus he has a vested interest in helping me out. Plus I will make him food and stuff in exchange. I'm very thankful to be getting some help. VERY thankful. I think he also might help me repair my fucking gate so it doesn't scrape the ground when I try to open and close it. This is a good thing.

I'm tired. I'm so so so terribly grouchy right now. And I'm thinking about my questions from yesterday - about reframing that "On Strike" post to focus more on what parents need - what choices would we WANT - rather than what is currently available. I gotta tell you, there's a false dichotomy between those who work outside the home and those who work primarily inside the home. Working outside the home is not necessarily what I would consider child abuse or even, as I termed it, "abandoning your child to the state." The issue is not the number of hours you spend in the presence of your children. The issue is the amount of time you spend being fully present with your children. And not only that, but what are the options you would like to have that are currently unavailable to you.

For me, my living/working situation feel so tenuous as to be frightening. I have no idea if I'm going to be able to keep my job in a year if our funding runs out. And if I don't keep this job, I can't as of right now think of a single job that I can take in the evenings that would pay me what I'm making now - enough to live. And this home is not sale-worthy in the least, so I don't have the option of "just selling" and getting on. I'm thankful that for now I have the ability to make the choices that I have made, and I really don't tend to dwell on the tenuousness of those options, but I do on occasion get pissed off about the fact that I am THIS close to being unable to support my ideal lifestyle, which isn't all that extravagant. And that takes me right into being pissed off that there are people who can't even get to where I am, in a position where they even have a tenuous relationship with something resembling an ideal situation.

It makes me mad that we're so tired, and that we don't have time to form communities for ourselves and our children. It angers and frustrates me that our economic system places more value on working to create product than it does on working to nurture our children and each other. It pisses me off that my children will be indentured servants to the debt we are creating ever day. A fiscal debt. An emotional debt. An environmental debt. A TIME debt. We are borrowing all of these things from our children without the ability or intention to pay it back.

My argument is that the world will not cave in upon itself if we all "worked" a lot less (and by "work" I mean doing meaningless tasks for profit rather than meaningful tasks to fulfill need). In fact, the world would most likely benefit from a slowing of production and unnecessary work. So, that's my ideal. My ideal looks like a world where the needs of all people are fulfilled, including the need for some people to stop. To slow down. To NOT work. It's not laziness that compels us to slack. It's sanity.

Posted at 11:16 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Another Good Day

September 23, 2003

I've had that thing where I feel like crap first thing in the morning. Both yesterday and today, I woke up thinking that surely I will have to call in sick to work and stay home snuggled in my lavendery bed all evening. But as the day progresses, I feel progressively better. Still, if I feel bad tomorrow morning, I AM going to call in sick to work and take care of myself. The sucky part is that L will be there with the kids, and I probably won't get much peace. It will be nice when he has a place of his own to take the kids when he's watching them. I'm thinking when that happens, I'm going to take an entire week off from work just to hang out and luxuriate in alone-at-home time.

At any rate, I started feeling better not too long after I first woke up, and the kids were snooping around the house searching for all of the little presents I left out for them to celebrate the change of seasons. It was mostly books and curriculum stuff, but I find that they enjoy finding the little gifts throughout the day, so I hide it all. I discovered last night that the Kiki soundtrack that I ordered for Coley was all in Japanese, and did not contain the "Soaring" song that he loves so much, so I obtained a...um...perfectly legal download of it and he was delighted when I played it for him. Delighted is the perfect word for his expression, too - his cute little face just LIT UP and he smiled and smiled as I played the song (and "I'm gonna fly") over and over again. I'm so glad that I was able to pull that one off.

So we spent some time finding things, and then I read about the Equinox from Circle Round, and read the story of how Mabon was set free by King Arthur's soldiers. Monk gets all antsy about reading these stories, which is weird because he really enjoys folk tales and mythology. I really think he gets antsy because he knows I enjoy them. Anyway, I had to tell him that the story ended with someone getting their head chopped off to convince him to listen. It was true - someone DID get their head chopped off - but it's kind of a drag that I have to bribe him with violence to get him to listen to a really cool story.

At any rate, we talked about the equinox and how, for us in Texas, it's even a bit of a rebirth for us to pass into fall - because summer is SO hot here, and we spend so much of it holed up indoors. We are all looking for the relief of cool weather. I told Monk that I woke up in the middle of the night last night and had to scooch Coley off of the blanket so I could go under it because it was a little nippy. I love that! I love nippy! Give me nippy...give me downright fucking uncomfortably cold...let my nostrils freeze together any old day of the week over this stifling, unbearable heat!

Um, where was I? Oh, yes. After our storytime, we were going to take a nature walk, but it was a bit too hot (sigh) and we didn't have much time anyway, so Monk chose to play Reader Rabbit 2nd Grade while I set about cleaning up and making lunch. I made Peanut Butter Noodles, thinking the kids would love love love them (I mean, had my mom ever made peanut butter noodles when I was a kid, I would have loved it, wouldn't you?) but the little farts turned their noses up...so they basically ate fruit for lunch. Which seemed to satisfy them, but still...peanut butter noodles! I mean, come ON!

Anyway, after lunch we headed over to R's house from Monk's new Tuesday homeschool co-op craft day. I was able to DROP HIM OFF there (rah!) and I headed over to k8's house with Cole to see if playgroup was happening there. It wasn't, but it was nice to see, hug, chat with k8 for a bit before she/we headed out in opposite directions.

Then Cole and I went home and Cole played reader rabbit 2nd grade for a little while. Have I mentioned that Cole now knows how to use a mouse and can do just about anything he wants on the computer? It's so cool! Only, once he's ON the computer, it's impossible to get him to stop.

Unless the computer crashes, which it did, so I took the opportunity to bring him back to R's house to pick up Monk. I got to talk to the other moms in the co-op, too (the co-op is the perfect size - like 6 or 7 families and most of the kids are older, so there's not really a need for all of the parents to be there.) R seemed to do an excellent job of leading them through an activity, and I was impressed with the pastel drawing Monk made of 2 wild things (they read Where The Wild Things Are). It was cool! So, this week, monk has WRITTEN (which he previously refused to do) and DONE ARTWORK (which he is notorious for shunning). What next?

Brought the boys home after that, and we only were there for a few minutes when L showed up, so I packed up my stuff and headed out for the bus stop. Yesterday, I stepped on my freaking headphones and broke them, so I had to stop off to get new headphones (headphones are, in fact, an essential item for the mile-long hike from my house to the bus stop and back). When I walked into the Walgreens, the woman in the cosmetics department was all smiles - "hello! Welcome to Walgreens! How are you?" I answered "I'm doing great! How are you?" Her smile faded and she said "I'm tired and I can't WAIT to go home." This was the funniest thing I had heard all day...maybe you had to be there, but the transformation from sunny greeter woman to get-me-out-of-this-hellhole disgruntled employee was fantastic. I laughed...and she laughed, too. I said "I hope you get to go home soon!" and laughed again.

Got my headphones, got my bus, got to work, and here I am. yippee!!!

When I get home, I'm going to have to write about the cute book I got in the mail from a friend of mine, and tell a story about this friend, as well...but I can't remember the name of the book, so it will have to wait.

Hope yr having a good day!

Posted at 5:30 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Wow. What a great day.

September 22, 2003

We really had an excellent day at the Blood household. The morning brought inspiration and an unexpected hour of writing time, which normally would cause the entire day to crumble around us, but I managed to force myself out of my chair mid-inspiration and drag us all out to the grocery store where we got a collosal amount of groceries for what seemed like a very small amount of money. Well, ok, it was a lot of money, but less than I thought it would be.

We came home and I put the groceries up while the kids watched Power Puff Girls as the last hoorah of the television (seeing as I FORGOT to put it up last night after staying up ridiculously late watching Planes, Trains, and Automobiles) and then I made a simple lunch, like sandwiches or something, and sat down and wrote my version of The Rules that you see below this post. Which was fun to write.

I did some cleaning up while Monk played Civilizations, I played legos with Cole. We saw a lizard on the door and I stopped everything so we could sit and watch her move around, and then Me and Coley drew pictures of the lizard and wrote a little story about her.

Then Monk and I sat down and did a crossword puzzle of mathematical measurement terms. HE WROTE ALL OF THE WORDS HIMSELF (this is HUGE!) and I sat with him almost the entire time, getting up only to check on Cole, who is thankfully now able to entertain himself by playing sesame street preschool on the computer. I actually spent a full hour focused on one or the other of them, really working on my level of patience and being in the moment with them to enjoy their hard effort. Monk was kicking so much ass at writing, at one point I shouted out "YOU DID IT!" and scared the living shit out of him. We both laughed about it. He liked doing the units of measurement crossword so much that he did ANOTHER crossword all on his own. I am so proud of him.

By the time that was all said and done, it was time for me to get ready for work. I took a shower, got dressed, got my shit together, and had a lovely walk to the bus stop, serenaded by Mr. Franti.

And now here I am at work, and it looks like it's going to be a relatively easy night, so I'll be able to get some of my extra projects handled and I can feel a little less like I'm totally falling behind.

Which reminds me, I should probably change my shirt and talk to my students. Woo woo!

Posted at 5:52 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

I know you are totally curious about what I did today, aren't you?

September 19, 2003

Well, not much. But it was the good kind of not much, rather than the laying in bed and feeling grumpy and depressed all day kind of not much. I have to say, one of the advantages (?) to having kids is that it makes it almost impossible to wallow in grief or misery. First of all, who can be depressed when there's a grinning near-three year old running around all day screaming about UNDERWEAR (and, sub, neither of my children actually WEAR underwear...so i'm spared the underwear dance.) Second - There's just no fucking TIME to be depressed, or even unhappy.

So, I was kind of kicked out today, which I was feeling kind of grouchy about at the outset, but whatever. It got me out of the house to have someone insist that I leave. Not that it's MY house or anything, but I digress.

I had a coffee meeting with a co-worker which was enjoyable. I really like hanging out with David. He reminds me of all of the things about my job that I love. And I got updated on a lot of the stuff he's working on, and we got to be all geeky about blogs and how to integrate them into our working lives...and all that stuff. It was nice. Although, I'm CERTAIN the guy sitting in back of him was a blogger who was eavesdropping on our conversation. I made eye contact a couple of times, and it seemed like he was straining to hear. hahahaha. So, mysterious blogger dude at Flightpath, I hope you enjoyed the geek speak. Maybe you blogged it already. I should go searching.

Anyway, David didn't stay long, and when he left, I set about reading the Chronicle, getting righteously pissed off about the immaturity of the stoopid republican party here in Texas and their inability to function within the parameters of acceptable adult behavior. And, as a professional of skirting the fringes of acceptable adult behavior, I really Ought To Know. I was watching the News last night, and I just really couldn't believe the behavior I was witnessing. If I ever even CONSIDERED having any respect for politicians, those considerations are long gone. But, I mean, judge for yourself.

After I finished reading the Chron, personal ads and all (I'm kind of obsessing about going out on a "date." I highly doubt the Chronicle personal ads will provide me with suitable candidates, though. I'm more looking to have a trial date with someone I already know - just so I can get it out of the way, you know? But, still, I'm having fun looking around whereever I am, and wondering what the various people are like, and what it would be like to have an intimate conversation with some of them. It's the way I operate in bliss mode. It's not here yet. When it's here, I WILL have conversations. I'm absolutely irresistable when I'm in that mode. hahahaha. Irresistable and invincible.

Anyway, I finished the paper and headed out to Half Price books, because there 's a huge sale and I wanted to see if I could add to my growing collection of things Egyptian. I did find some very cheap items, plus a copy of Soledad Brother (I once had a copy and loaned it to a roommate and never saw it again, and never had the chance to read it) and I was quite happy with the total cost of these items. Say, that reminds me...if anyone has any old magazines that have pictures of things Egyptian and you want to send them to me, please e-mail me. I will trade a mix cd for anything you have...or whatever else I can do to make it up to you. I'd like to create a mural wall in our little "classroom" that melds from one topic into another. I thought I could find cheap used books to cut up, but nothing was cheap enough for that...so I"m probably going to be searching the thrift stores and my own personal stash of National Geographics for that kind of material.

Aaaaanyyyyyywaaaay.

I ALMOST bought a couple of pairs of shoes for the kids at payless, but I had the presence of mind to realize that they're CHEAP because they're made in China, not because Payless wants to shoe the poor. So after Half Price Books, I beat it over to Savers to get a few pairs of used shoes for cheap. The kids each have one pair of shoes that fit right now...and that is a pair of sandals for each of them. Well, actually RIGHT NOW Monk has 2 pairs and Cole has 3, because I scored 1 pair for Monk and 2 pairs for Cole at Savers. yay! Used shoes rock because...well, they're used. So I don't feel like I have to worry about sweatshop labor and dead animals. At least that's how I justify things in my own mind.

[coley, demonstrating a bizarre lack of taste in music, keeps coming in here to turn down the speakers, which are currently blasting Johnny Cash. I sense my writing time is nearly up]

So, anyway, after the shoes, I went and picked up a couple of things to eat for dinner, and I managed to arrive home EXACTLY at my expected time. Because I SO rock.

And tonight, it's videos and make-it-yourself pizza and more videos and mama's gonna clean clean clean the house and hopefully find a couple of expensive electronic items that have gone missing withIN the confines of the house, if you can believe it. And bedtime will no doubt be delayed as coley was napping when I got home but that's ok. The TV is going to get put UP as of MOnday or Tuesday next week, so I feel like a nice night of couch potato-dom is in order. And cleaning. Lots of cleaning. So if you catch me online...tell me to get back to my cleaning, ok?

Posted at 5:42 PM • Comments (7) • TrackBack

The day (so far)

September 12, 2003

We managed to get out of the house nice and early for our scheduled field trip to Whole Foods. We were there about 15 minutes before we were supposed to meet up with everyone, so me and the boys drank orange juice and lemonade while we waited.

I highly recommend this field trip, by the way. The Whole Foods folks are very nice and generous when it comes to samples, and the tour of the store was captivating enough to keep the kids fairly attentive throughout. We got to sample organic raspberries, shrimp, chicken sausage, sunny bears, apple juice, string cheese, and yummy snickerdoodles. Of course, my boys and I didn't have the shrimp or sausage, but it was still a nice little tour. All of the people working in the departments were friendly and knowledgeable, and I think everyone had a good time. It wasn't incredibly educational, and I wish we had gotten a tour of the (as one of the kids said it) REAL store - I would have liked to see the storage and receiving areas and gotten a better idea of the inner workings of a grocery store - the parts my kids don't normally get to see - but it was still a nice little Friday morning outing and we got some shopping done after the tour was over, and they gave us these cute Whole Kids totebags, so all in all it was a pleasant adventure.

And then I came home, a little worried about having left the house empty for a few hours (not sure if I was more worried about someone breaking in, or if the dogs would destroy everything, because it was the first time I had left both dogs uncrated together in the main part of the house.) Unfortunately, it looks like my OTHER neighbor was broken into. Their garage doors are hanging open and no one is home, and that's not really something they do. So I called the local non-emergency police number to report the oddity, and I'm hoping their main house didn't get broken into as well.

I'm also hoping there's a different explanation for the fact that their garage doors are hanging open, because I'm afraid it's just a bit too freaky to me that the 2 houses directly adjacent to mine have been broken into on consecutive days.

Pretty soon L will be here. Coley is taking a nap, exhausted from his silly fun time at the grocery store. Monk and I are going to head out to see a matinee showing of Spy Kids 3 whenever L gets here, and have an afternoon together. It should be pretty fun.

Posted at 12:40 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Break in

September 11, 2003

So, somehow, while we were sitting here at home having a good time today, some whistle ass broke into my next-door neighbors' house and stole all of their stuff.

This has been happening a lot lately in my neighborhood. Mostly car break-ins, but there has been more crime than usual lately. So now I have to fight back paranoia about coming back to an empty house. I am just kind of glad that I now have a dog that can hear. And not only that, but I have a feeling she barks pretty much constantly while we are gone. So I have the loud dog and the ass-kicking deaf dog, and I feel PRETTY safe, but it would be a lot nicer if there wasn't crime happening all around my house. Pretty please.

Posted at 11:02 PM • Comments (3) •

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January 16, 2007

Weird Night.

August 16, 2006

My Mad Scientist.

May 9, 2006

Eternal Sunshine

April 4, 2004

An eventful day

February 23, 2004

Freecycling Fiend

November 26, 2003

Halloween Recap

November 3, 2003

Phew.

October 25, 2003

From ER to Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

October 17, 2003

My Life Is So Cool

October 14, 2003

My day, Continued

October 10, 2003

I went out on a date tonight...

October 10, 2003

Really feeling...quite good, actually

October 6, 2003

Another exceptionally good day

October 6, 2003

I wonder how many more times I will be able to get away with this.

September 30, 2003

Another Good Day

September 23, 2003

Wow. What a great day.

September 22, 2003

I know you are totally curious about what I did today, aren't you?

September 19, 2003

The day (so far)

September 12, 2003

Break in

September 11, 2003