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The Metaphorical Coffee Cup

August 10, 2006

Coley needed a cup for his soymilk, and he was in one of his "I want a SPECIFIC, but as yet unnamed cup" moods.

So, I pointed at a couple of cups and received negative feedback from his majesty. And then:

Me: How about this cup with your papa's name on it.
Coley: YEAH! OK!
...pause to pour soymilk...
Coley: Is papa famous? Is that why his name is on this cup?
Me: Not really. I just brought the cup home for him once when I was in Las Vegas, as a memento. And then the handle broke.
Coley: And then you got divorced. And you got the cup in the divorce.
Me: I guess so, yeah.
Coley: So, the handle is kind of like you, then...it got divorced from the coffee cup.
Me: hahaha. I suppose that is true, Coley dear. Yes.

Posted at 6:03 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

I know! Let's punish the mama!

April 15, 2006

I had the absolutely most stupid interaction with a health insurance provider yesterday. I swear, my brain almost completely exploded. I was intending to write about it all day, but every time I thought about it, I had to go lay down for a minute to compose myself.

At any rate, here's the deal. Like most divorced parents, at least those who are fortunate enough to have some sort of health insurance, my children are insured under their father's plan. It's pretty standard procedure for the non-possessory parent to provide that, and I sort of pay for it through a subsequent reduction in my monthly child support (the cost of the insurance is subtracted from the ex's income before the percentage of his salary on which child support is figured is figured.)

I, as the possessory parent...you know, the one who actually has possession of the kids during the times that they would normally go to see a doctor...am equipped with some (evidently very useless) insurance cards.

So, yesterday I finally had the time to go about setting up a well check up for the boys. (Gah - thank maude it wasn't an emergency!) and I called the insurance company to find out who their primary care physician is (we aren't huge "go to the doctor for every ailment" people here...mostly I just want to get Monk a referral to his eye specialist, and why not make an appointment for Coley while I'm at it?) First of all, I'm directed to a website, which allows me to input all of the information before it politely informs me that children under the age of 18 are not allowed to use the online services.

Great.

So, then I call. And I get this lady who informs me that due to the new HIPAA laws, she's not allowed to discuss my children's plan with me, since I am not the policy holder.

I was pretty furious. I mean, I know it's not the phone ladies fault, but she was so freaking glib about the whole thing. "Can't you just call the father and ask HIM who the PCP is?" She said.

Well, yeah. I probably can. The ex and I aren't exactly best buddies, but he's never been a jerk about anything like this. However, I'm too busy being furious about all of the women out there who are so fucking thankful that at least the system provided them with the right to demand health insurance from their abusive ex-husbands, only to be told that they then need to turn around and try to get information from them. You know?

I'm pretty sure that's NOT what HIPAA was intended to do. But the lady on the phone seemed so gleeful about her ability to make my life more complicated. Like HA HA! How DARE you demand privacy rights! You want PRIVACY rights? We'll give YOU privacy! We'll privacy you right into a total clusterfuck!

So, yeah. For me, it really only took an email to get it set right. The ex is going to look into the matter on Monday and it's no big deal. But I know there are people out there for whom making a request of the ex is a tricky, if not downright fucking scary endeavor.

Gotta love our government. Gotta love the fucking healthcare industry. Woo! Go Patriarchy!

Posted at 9:36 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Healing.

February 27, 2006

I should say that I spent most of Saturday morning in bed crying my eyes out quietly. I say this as my roommates move out. It's releasing a flood of emotion. Not due to anything having really anything to do with them, but having to do with all that I've been holding in as a result of having people sharing this house with me. In a way, it's good - because I do love the Allison family enough to feel OK with having been somewhat of a scared bunny rabbit while they were here. I feel like we can easily enough mend whatever that resulted in. I already am feeling more open to all of them now that they are going. The trick is to maintain that openness and to not fall back again when someone else moves in.

So, anyway, crying my eyes out. What I was doing was remembering a lot of pain. I was fully realizing how much denial I was in during the 3 years I lived here with a silently abusive partner. I was remembering what it caused in my spirit. I remember resigning myself to that. I remember feeling like it didn't really effect me - like I was bullet-proof - as long as I acknowledged that it was reality. Like "as long as I'm aware that this is a fucked up situation, I won't get fucked up by it." Which is sort of like standing on a railroad track, saying "As long as I'm aware that train is coming down the track at me, I won't get fucking smeared by it!" It sounds silly now, but I did it.

I can't explain to anyone what it was like to live in this house for those three years. What I can say is that I understand and accept now what it did to my heart. Around the middle of that time, I decided that love didn't exist. that I could just stay in that situation because all love is painful, so why should I leave behind the familiar pain of the love I had learned to cope with for the minute possibility that I might find love that was slightly less painful?

And, the truth of the matter is that all love IS painful. But not always. It requires a lot, but it gives back whatever you put in. Perhaps not in the same currency, but at least the same value. I'm just now finding my way back to a place where I can extend my love without fear, and it's scary as shit. I'm not just talking about romantic love, I am talking about any kind of relationship that requires/inspires any amount of depth or intimacy. I don't have a roadmap to guide me on my particular journey. I just have to make it up as I go along, and be honest, and insist on integrity and freedom.

I'm not perfect, but I'm trying. I'm putting myself forward. That's the only way out of this place.

Posted at 11:51 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

More deconstruction of the Father's Rights movement from Trish.

January 3, 2006

The Countess: Yet Another Fathers' Rights Manual On How To Keelhawl "The Bitch"

Offered without comment from me.

Posted at 9:56 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Fathers, Custody, and Control

November 10, 2005

The Countess has a disturbing post which contains, in full theStatements of Sadiya Alilire and Fatima Loeliger, who have been (to put it absolutely mildly) through the ringer of a custody battle since Fatima was a baby.

I am beginning to see how the abusive relationship plays out in the aftermath of marriage. How having children with someone creates a situation where you are vulnerable to their tactics for as long as the children are under 18. I used to cringe when I heard about mothers allowing fathers to sign away their parental rights, because I felt like that was letting them off the hook. Now, however, I am starting to definitely see the point of the mamas I know who have chosen this option when it was available to them just to avoid the conflict, threat of harassment, and abuse that seems to permeate so many post-break up (whether the couple was married or not) parenting relationships, particularly in a relationship where abuse and control issues were present.

Sadiya and Fatima are a fairly extreme case, however, being threatened with lifelong lawsuits, being overzealously monitored, having to deal with constant unwanted/unneeded advice, being given ultimatums, and living in eternal fear of disruption are frighteningly common things divorced women have to deal with.

It makes me glad that I am parenting with witnesses present. First, because I have a built-in support system to help me overcome the years and years of being told, vaguely, that "I'm not doing it right." ("it" beign anything from parenting to folding laundry). Second, because if any of the threats ever come to fruition, there is no way proof can be offered that would counter my observed and well-documented behavior. I gotta say, it sucks that it has to be that way, but I couldn't have better witnesses.

However, that doesn't make it any easier to think about the women out there who are in these vulnerable situations without chance of escape, or even worse, those who stay in abusive relationships to avoid this altogether, sacrificing themselves and their happiness because the alternative doesn't seem much better.

It's fucking terrorism. I want you to think about that the next time you scoff at a woman who is staying in an abusive relationship. Angry and controlling men are well-practiced in the art of cunning manipulation and terror. The best support you can give to a woman in this situation is to JUST BE THERE FOR HER. Trust that she knows what she is doing. Provide support and counterbalance to the daily assaults (be they verbal, mental/emotional, or physical). Do not judge. Do not run away. Witness for her. It's not easy to do, but it's lifesaving/soulsaving all at once.

Posted at 9:17 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

The Sanctity of Marriage?

October 31, 2005

A commenter on Rox's post about the Scalito Nomination had this to say in answer to Roxanne's question about the defensibility of SPOUSAL notification prior to abortion:

It is not rational to simultaneously expect marriage to mean something, to expect a man to be responsible, and yet give choice within a marriage solely to the woman.
The left wants choice without responsibility, the right wants responsibility and no choice. In any case, it is a sorry state of affairs when a married woman would undergo an abortion without talking to her spouse. Why fight for the gay right to be married when marriage is increasingly meaningless?

...and gave me my first Halloween Scare* today.

It's as if the whole world has been sprinkled with magic pixie marriage dust, where all married women are secure and happy with their spouses. The implication of this, of course, subtle though it might be, is that those who have real reason to NOT discuss an issue such as abortion with her spouse are at fault for that situation and, therefore, can go fuck themselves.

I mean, the fact that this person could even say this without considering the myriad reasons why a woman might not want to discuss her choices with her spouse confirms a lot to me that I already knew. And while it's usually nice to get validation, it's not at all nice to have it proven to me again and again that abused women are absolutely invisible to society at large.

I've seen this play out to some extent in my personal situation. I've seen people move cautiously away from me out of fear of my situation, and I've experienced the difficulty in finding refuge from my relationship due to prohibitively expensive attorneys. Marriage already gives an abusive partner an unbelievable amount of power to abuse, without forcing women to get SPOUSAL CONSENT before making a choice that will potentially tie her to her abuser for the rest of her life.

So FUCK your fucking "sanctity of marriage" bullshit. I'm calling for SANCTITY OF A BASIC RIGHT TO SAFETY that most men feel absolutely entitled to, without question. And many women only dream of.

*If the words SPOUSAL CONSENT don't give you enough of a scare as it is.

ETA: Damnit, it's SPOUSAL NOTIFICATION, but it sounds equally fucking scary to me.

Posted at 8:50 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Divorce Wars

October 28, 2005

I am having two ongoing wars with my ex which I feel are both absolutely ridiculous and are total power plays on his part.

The first one, which I think is fairly universal and one of those "I never thought I would be doing this" things, is about clothes.

I used to pack a full suitcase with the boys when they went to dad's for the weekend. Then...things stopped coming back. Which, in coley's case is fine. I have so many clothes for that child, I was happy to see some of it go. But with Monk, I don't get hand-me-downs anymore, so I need all of the clothes that I have. Plus, dad started complaining about clothes "not being appropriate" for the weather...and then once even complaining that the suitcase I chose to pack them in was inconvenient for the bus.

I was like "screw this!" The divorce decree clearly states that we are each responsible for clothing and feeding the children when they are in our care, so let him buy the clothes.

Well, now he tells the kids to gather clothes to bring with them. He did it a couple of weeks ago when the weather got cool. Monk ran back into the house to grab 3 pairs of his nicest, warmest pants to bring to dad's house. (I haven't seen them since) and now this week, I get an email from dad WITH FREAKING CLOTHING SUGGESTIONS.

I told him 20 bux at savers would solve this problem permanently. I said I am not going to pack a bag for them, and he is not to send them on his missions to fuck with me via clothing wars. (well, I was actually more diplomatic than that, but I did point out that our divorce decree clearly states that we are independently responsible for the clothing needs of our children, and that I want this issue to never be discussed again.

Blah.

The second issue is about church, but it also includes birthday parties. Monk likes to go to church, so I have been picking him up from his dad's house on Sundays to take him there at his request. Dad won't take him. And I really don't feel comfortable assuming I can just drop by to get him without first knowing what their plans are. Dad doesn't have a phone, so there is very limited means of getting in contact without driving over and honking. I felt like that was an imposition on me to avoid an imposition on dad, so I stopped picking Monk up. Instead, I told dad that if Monk wanted to go to church, he could call me and I would be happy to drop by and pick him up, since dad's house is right on the way to church.

Dad refuses. INSISTS that it's MY responsibility to either intuit Monk's desire to go to church, or check with him on Saturday night...via email because there's no phone (but email is not always a safe bet, either.) I refuse to do this, again feeling like it's placing a burden on me that's not mine. So I told Monk that he is now responsible for letting me know whether he needs me to pick him up for church. Of course, dad feels this is "bringing Monk into the middle of our conflict." But I think it's more like "teaching Monk that mom is not the psychic satisfier of all desires, regardless of whether or not she is inconvenienced."

This is particularly true now that dad is moving way far south and will no longer be on the way to church. I told dad that if Monk wants to go to church and if dad is not willing to drive him there I will still be happy to pick him up if that desire is expressed to me in a timely manner. Hell, I'd even be happy to do it if I was told "We will let you know (in a timely manner) when we DON'T want you to get him, otherwise, come get him." What I'm being told, instead, is that I need to check in every week to ask if I can do a favor for dad (by taking his son to an activity that is occurring when he is the person in charge of caring for the children.) You know? That's just...wrong.

Which brings me to birthday parties. How the fuck do divorced people do birthday parties? As if having divorced parents isn't stigma enough, now Monk has to miss birthday parties because his parents are divorced? Because birthday parties happen on weekends...and he is with his dad 1/2 of the weekends of the month (or more)...therefore dad either has to be willing to take him to the birthday party, or Monk is out of luck.

That sucks.

It sucks that I have to be at war over PANTS. (I'm seriously about to toss 20 bux at the man and tell him to go buy the kids some clothes so we can be done. with. it. already.) It sucks that Monk either has to miss church (and I get blamed for it) or I have to perpetuate this myth that it's mommy's job to go out of her way for the kids while dad sits back and plays Nintendo. And it sucks that, even divorced, dad still feels like he needs to work the power button as much as humanly possible.

I have three words for Mr. L:

GIVE IT UP (already).

(well, that OR):

GO FUCK YOURSELF.

***
ETA: Thanks to some discussions, some contemplation, and these comments, I came up with the following response to his ludicrousness (ludicrosity?):

Thank you, L. [the dad]

This quote from you helped me come to a couple of conclusions:

[from an actual email L sent to me]
“You are seriously erring, in my viewpoint, and making everyone uncomfortable, by overstepping your boundaries as one of the children's parents. I don't try to interfere with your time with them, I would appreciate it if you would finally do the same when they are with me.”

The conclusions are:

1-Regarding their clothing: It is clearly stated in the divorce agreement that we are each responsible for clothing, feeding, and sheltering the children when they are in our care. Therefore, I ask that you please return all of the clothing of the children’s that you did not purchase that is in your possession and please buy them the clothing they need when they are in your care. I do not have to go to a state-sponsored parenting class to intuitively know that it’s not healthy for the children to have to pack a suitcase to go to their dad’s house which is ostensibly advertised as “their other home.” If your house is their other home, their other home should have clothing for them. This is, officially, the end of this argument.

2-Regarding church: I have been picking Monk up on the Sundays they are in your care as a favor to YOU, not Monk. As you state above, it was wrong of me to “overstep my boundaries” and parent for you while you are supposed to be doing the parenting. Therefore, I will inform Monk that he is to talk to you about church if he would like to attend on the Sundays he is with you. Church is HIS activity, not mine. I would hope you would provide him with the continuity he desires (for crying out loud, we went to the library today and they chose the same books on tape that they chose when they went to the library with you — I think these children are aching for continuity) by bringing him to church as he desires, but if you do not, it is none of my business. NOR IS IT MY FAULT. Please do not include me in your decision on this matter in any way. I will inform Monk that I will be bringing him to church on the weeks he is with me, and it is up to his father (you) to handle the other weeks.

3-Regarding the 6 AM drop off time: I will no longer be here at 6 AM to receive the children. Having the children an extra 1-2 hours a week is clearly overstepping my boundaries as one of the children’s parents, and allowing you to use me as their babysitter in lieu of coming up with your own solution to your transportation issues is not something I wish to do any longer. It’s bad for the kids, it’s bad for me, and I can’t think it’s any good for you if I allow you to continue to maintain your sense of entitlement to have me perform all of the functional duties of parent, childcare provider, and event coordinator while you sit back and dictate what I will and will not do for you. So you know, I will be informing the children of this fact in advance so that they are not disappointed if you should choose to attempt to drop them off at 6 AM next Friday morning.

3-Regarding birthday parties: In the future, I will forward all of Monk’s birthday party invitations to you without comment if they occur during your time with the children. I leave it up to you to deal accordingly with whatever disappointment Monk feels in not getting to go to his friend’s parties. Perhaps that will convince you that it’s not about you or me, but them.

4-Regarding my irritability: Whatever. It is clear to me that you are resorting to your tactics of manipulation, condescension, and criticism in an attempt to gain some sort of power over me. This is the dynamic that I sought to eliminate from my life when I got the divorce, and I’m not going to allow it to continue. You can complain all you want about items 1, 2, 3, and 4—but they are all within the letter of our divorce decree. You can’t insist that I NOT overstep my bounds as the other parent unless it serves you that I do so. That’s bullshit. I’m calling you on it. I won’t have it any longer. It’s too bad, really. Our divorce decree can be as flexible as we allow it to be to enable us to serve the needs and best interests of our children. I am willing to allow for that flexibility, as long as the flexibility is, in fact, in the best interests of the children. I’m not finding that to be the case with any of these demands on your part.

Take care,

drucilla

Posted at 11:24 AM • Comments (8) • TrackBack

Navel Gazing (or relationships, isolation, community, and sex)

October 8, 2005

I just realized something important about who I am and what I need. Perhaps it's a result of the Kurt Vonnegut interview on Now last night, where he stated point-blank that the purpose of life is "farting around" and that people need to form gangs (because the end of the world (as we know it) is coming, and the nuclear family is a shitty way to prepare for this cataclysm...instead we need extended families either of blood or invention.

Listen, I know that might sound a bit kooky. David Brancaccio (swooooon) had that sort of bored look of condescenscion on his face throughout the interview (which, admittedly, he almost always has. He's such a damn journalist. Sometimes, though, that bored look of condescenscion really works for him...so I'm not going to complain too bitterly about it)...but I think Mr. Vonnegut is correct. And even if he isn't...wouldn't it be fun to be in a gang? Certainly more fun than the isolation of every day life. And by isolation, I don't mean absolutely alone, but ostensibly stranded on the island of family.

It occurred to me this morning that I wasn't always so isolated, and I wondered what it was that changed it. I have lived my entire life as a quiet observer of others, and there were several years there where I was starved for that. When were those years?

Fuck, I think to myself. My abusive relationship with L strikes again - and takes on another angle. It all started with L. And I hate to blame L for all of my problems, but holy fuck, it's true that from the beginning of my relationship with him, my close friends were, one by one, alienated. He would tell me they weren't good enough for me. That I shouldn't be cleaning up after them. That I shouldn't be picking them up when they didn't have rides. To top it off, he picked a fight with one of them that almost came to blows & that was the end of that - I knew where my loyalties lie. Besides, I was pregnant.

OK, so I don't want to go into the boring play-by-play of my life with L. But this explains a lot. It explains a lot of my unnamed frustration and jealousy in my relationship with him. It names a lot of my dissatisfaction. It exacerbated the already acute feelings of isolation I carry with me just by virtue of being me. And, yes, it can be argued that it, at times, turned me into a jealous bitch. By the time we had had Monk, I was the band mom...not in a good way. The other band members would come by and drop their kid off for me to watch while they all practiced. I was never asked. I was never invited to hang out with them. I was the chick in the other room with the kids. My role was made to expand to suit them, without thought of the sacrifice. I never realized how painful that was to me...to have people crawling all over my house but feel like I could not observe and participate. I always just thought I was being unnecessarily bitter, and inappropriately bitchy. Now I realize I wasn't bitter and bitchy ENOUGH. Fuck me and my damn inability to take a fucking stand.

One day, a different band, Monk was asleep and I joined L and the other guy in the back room after practice. I sat in the circle with them, but outside of their reality. I felt good, though. I was cracking jokes & the other guy was laughing. I watched their interactions - L's and this guy. I loved it when they were together because they were like brothers, from what little I observed. L, too, was always isolated from people due to his own self-imposed barriers. I used to love it so when he was with people who allowed him to let his guard down. He was always such a beautiful person when he let his guard down. It was rare, but it was incredible to observe.

So, I'm back there cracking wise and being open to life and love and feeling really good about things. And then the other guy left & L turned...and turned to me and accused me, raspily, of hitting on his friend. He accused me of being obvious and easy and embarrassing. He said his friend was just being polite by including me in the banter, but that I had made him so uncomfortable.

And I shrank. It was so easy to make me shrink then. It's easy to make someone shrink when that someone is not sure what it is that makes them big again. I shrank, visibly, it seemed. I am pretty sure I walked out of the room in silence. There were probably tears. Why would I hit on L's friend? At that point, I was still so totally in love with L that there would have been no point. I was just dying to be included, not only in L's life...but in life in general.

That's what I realized this morning. Maude, for the first time! How stupid am I? All of those years of hearing verbally and non-verbally about all of the sacrifices that L made when we had a child together, I never had time to think about what I sacrificed. Working full-time so many hours out of the day that I barely had time to see my baby, much less my husband, much, much less any sort of observable community. I sacrificed the things that made me who I am. And there was no room in the relationship to give voice to that.

I will say one thing, though. When I had community - I didn't recognize it for what it was. I certainly didn't appreciate it. We were just people out having fun. I had no idea that it was significant. So I never really fought for it. I just dutifully played the role I felt I was meant to play, as mother and provider and, now, abused and meek spouse.

And I can't blame L entirely. Before I met him, I had wandered around disconnected for some time. Isolation in the form of a move to Lubbock Texas, after so much trauma in Chicago. But at least at that point in my life I had the zine, I had friends via letters, I had long-distance community.

And I can't say it ended with L, either. In the midst of refinding a joyous community among the rubble of my confidence, I stumbled into another relationship which, unbeknownst to me at the time, was a pretty trap. And I realized that no matter how much freedom you are given in a relationship, if the other person in the relationship prefers isolation, isolation will rule the relationship, for me anyway, to a frustrating degree. Because participation in a lively community is not something one can do without one's partner. In fact, the very heart of my feelings of isolation is my need to share the beauty and joy of the world with everyone I know. That's sort of difficult to do when the person you are attempting to share it with sees no beauty or joy in community. And it's almost impossible to do when that person would rather stay in and watch a movie and have sex than do anything remotely life-affirming. Granted, sex can be incredibly life-affirming, but only to a point. After awhile, even the sex can be isolating. If you think about it (and I'll get to this later) sex can be the most isolating act of all.

So I woke up this morning with all of these realizations. Now what am I going to do about it? Well, for one, I'm in a self-imposed semi-isolation period these next few weeks - preparing for Pansy and her family to move in here. There is much to do and much to think about that requires me being here without much outside interaction & that's fine. In the month of November, the kids will be at their dad's house a lot (every weekend) and that will be my time to go out among people. The hard part is my nature. I am terribly shy. My friendships tend to grow, amoeba-like, out of themselves. In fact, I'm thinking about 2 or 3 of my closest friends in Austin, and they are people I met through other people. But even if I'm sitting by myself somewhere, I'm out and I'm observing, and that's what I like to do best of all.

I really think the key for me right now is to not get involved romantically with anyone. For whatever reason, this tends to make me feel more isolated. I was actually delighted to hear a gay priest interviewed on Fresh Air put this theory I have to words. He was talking about the reasons for celibacy. How being celibate enables him to love more people more fully. That's a very rote summary of what he said, but I find it to be true in my life. Sex complicates things for me. It was partially because of my insistence on not having sex when I was younger that I formed some of my closest relationships. I don't think I will ever be able to recreate the exact atmosphere in which those relationships were formed & I don't think I can (nor do I desire) to live without sex for the rest of my life...but I think it would be better for me if I just excluded it for a bit and allowed myself to fall in love with everything and everyone. No strings attached.

Let's Panic Later
The Ex

It's in your face, you gotta go
but don't do things that would make me cry
if you feel an urge, have a go
but I don't wanna hear your reasons why
all I see is your face
is the shape of things that tears replace
it's in your face you gotta go
just don't do things tht would make you cry

It's a ratrace go go go
every step meand a bigger wall
there's no u-turn signs ahead
for to rise thou shalt not fall

You're way beyond the 9-5
you thought you had a life?
well, you've had your 1 sec rest
it seems you passed the test

Which clock to beat is next
there's another phone to catch
time flies in a traffic jam
giving way to a dead end stretch

Don't stop if you want it all
be deaf for the burn-out call
but there's more that to live a lie
take breat, make room to sigh

Everything is getting faster
is it going anywhere...

It's a fastlane life
once you live it like a car
one day you're running out of gas
well, did it get you very far...

It's the age of aging
it's the age of aging
I'm not afraid of age and
not afraid of aging

And the carousel's cruising for another ride
guess who sits upfront, it's mr. make-it-mine
he puts another dime in your slotmachine
bt the jackpot hits you,
it's not the other way round

Everything is going fast
is it going anywhere...

Slowly I realized that it dawned on me
the younger you are, the more you wanna be
but living it fast? a thing from the past
any kind of age has ways to set you free
But it's not greed, or sleek behaviour
just do your own thing, you can always panic later
don't get stuck in the rut of that human car
now maybe I am pushing it,
am I pushing it too far?

It's the age of aging
I'm not afraid of age, end.

Posted at 8:31 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Processing the Day

August 5, 2005

My attorney just called to "check up on me." I have to give mad props to the guy. He has been an absolute sweetheart through this whole ordeal and whenever I ask him how on earth I am ever going to repay him, he tells me that I should just "go on and have a good life."

So I baked him a cake and am committing to bringing him soup at least once a month until he absolutely refuses to accept my offerings.

I am feeling amazingly good about life right now. I cried all the way home from the courthouse, but it was more of a cry of pent-up frustration and relief than anything else. I deposited a check, and promptly opened a savings account for Monk, and then I went and got myself a bagel. The guy who fixed my coffee called me "dear" and smiled at me so sweetly. It's as if, lately, people can SEE that I'm fragile and/or all lovesick in love with the world. I'm getting a lot of gentleness from everyone I encounter & it's nice. It's nice to walk around open-hearted and not feel any sting. It's nice to see the beauty in people and find ways to express it and not be met with defensive dodges. It's nice to smile at people as if my heart is bleeding through my teeth...and see a sparkle-eyed return volley. It's nice to meet people's eyes and not look away or be looked away from.

Yesterday, Pansy and I were talking about goodness. Kindness. And I was talking to her about people who have, on occasion, seeped into my life and have taken advantage of my kindness. I don't want to make it sound like I'm a totally saintly person. In fact, I can be a huge pain in the ass to be around much of the time, but (like many people I know) I do have a tendency towards being kind and accommodating to a fault. Pansy was pointing out that I need to maintain kindness for MYSELF. And I laughed at her wisdom: Kindness as a selfish act. But it's true. And that totally doesn't mean that I can't or shouldn't act in my own best interest, even if that means being a big old meanie...but it does mean that I should not compromise my basic ethics just because someone else chooses to be an asshole.

Today was good. Today was a compromise for me. And that's OK. Today I was accommodating. And that's OK, too. Today was the last day I will ever ever ever have to compromise for or accommodate this person. And that feels pretty damn Good. Incredibly Damn Good.

In fact, it feels pretty incredibly SELFISHLY damn good.

Posted at 3:47 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

It's Over. Or, how to "win" a divorce.

August 5, 2005

A month or so ago, in the throes of all of this trauma and conflict, L told me that "I wasn't going to get what I wanted," and insisted that I needed to face that.

I remember looking at him oddly, and saying "You have no idea what I want." And thinking "And you never have."

All I have wanted this whole time is for this to be OVER. And now I have EXACTLY what I want.

I'm sure I have more to say on this subject, but I will say it later. Maybe in a few days, maybe in a few weeks...maybe I'll make you buy my memoir.

Thanks to everyone for all of the support throughout this entire process.

Posted at 11:45 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Less than 12 hours, and counting...

August 4, 2005

...until the end of my marriage. Any last minute pep talks, well wishes, and whatever else you got would be greatly greatly tremendously appreciated...email me or try to catch me on aim (lgbdozer).

I feel like I'm approaching the finish line of a freaking marathon.

Posted at 9:17 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

July, 2005

July 5, 2005

Independence Week. (I'm pleased to know I have an extension on independence day, as I was looking forward to being divorced by then.)

This Friday will be the final hearing. Finally. The end.

Encouragement, wise words, or anything else you got is welcome.

Posted at 1:41 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

I can resolve the entire MRA/custody "rights" argument with a handful of words...

June 6, 2005

In response to Amanda's appearance on the Glenn Sacks Show.

I don't know about any of your divorce decrees, but mine has a little disclaimer right before the elaborate visitation schedule portion. Here it is, quoted:

"...in the absence of mutual agreement..."

In my eyes, as well as my experience, if a mutual agreement can't be made with regard to the best interest of the children, the relationship isn't healthy enough to withstand anything approaching equal time with the children without severely fucking them up.

I have a lot more to say on this subject, but I'll refrain...for now.

Posted at 11:14 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Cleaning and crying

June 5, 2005

Pretty much sums up how I'm spending my weekend. There's a lot that I need to clean up, and a lot that I need to get out. It's been rough. Painful. But it's good work. I'm sweaty and stinky and I could use something to eat, but I don't want to stop. It's really good work. When I get this work done, I tell myself, I can move on to more creative endeavors. I need to sweat before I can shine.

But I've also been thinking about the previous post a lot. And there's more that I can do than just accept things as they are. There is more within my control than that. When the mediator left the room yesterday, and left me and L alone, he asked each of us if we were safe. I said yes. I should have said no. I need to realize that, for now at least, I am not safe with him. That every encounter I have with him involves emotional battery and leaves me feeling raped and abused. Perhaps one day that will not be the case, but I need to take a long, LONG break from setting myself up for that. And the next time someone asks me if I am safe with him, I will say I most definitely am not. Because I deserve to take better care of myself than that. I deserve to not have to listen to me, my intentions, and my friends maligned. I deserve to be given credit for the work that I do, rather than face the same barrage of underappreciation over and over again. I deserve to provide safety, security, and love to my children without having to face the disapproval of someone who is not willing to give me the credit that I have given him.

Posted at 1:45 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

I am ready to begin writing now.

June 4, 2005

That is what my brain just said to me. I may have even said it out loud. I don't know. There are (currently) no witnesses.

Yesterday was mediation. I won't go into detail about the actual event, but I will tell you my current state of mind. I spent the rest of the day in mourning, which made it difficult to relate to my children (we played a game to distract me/them from me/them) and made it challenging to celebrate J's birthday with him (we drove out to Leander to see a play called "They Came From Mars and Landed Outside the Farndale Church Hall In Time for the Townswomen's Guild Coffee Morning" and then we went to a newly-open Waffle house where I ate a waffle and had some coffee and marveled at the incredible human flowchart that is the staff at Waffle House) but I think I did OK. When J and I came home, he pretty much marched me right to bed. I had a difficult time staying awake during the play (I'm finding that I need to do more active things when I'm out these days, because the moment I sit down to watch a movie or play or anything like that, I get instantly sleepy) as I had been up since early in the morning and it had been an immensely draining day.

My intention was to not discuss the day with J, but he encouraged me to get it out, so I did. It helped. I think I was really confused about the descending depression that hit me when I left the building yesterday. I'm happy with the agreement we came to, and while the item that is still in contention is troubling to me on some levels, I am confident that it can be resolved.

It wasn't until J really prodded me to talk that I was able to dig up the root of the depression. It was hope. Damn that fucking HOPE! I think whenever I have any sort of contact with L I have a tremendous amount of hope that somehow I can make him see what he is clearly missing. There are a couple of issues that I feel he is way off base on, and no amount of discussion with him seems to clear those issues up. Quite honestly, I don't feel like he's being very rational in those regards, and I'm not sure why he feels like he needs to cling to the negativity and ill-will. I feel like the people he is trying to protect are very well-cared for and have an ideal situation, and no amount of my heartfelt convincing seems to even cause him to feel that they are SAFE, much less as well-off as I feel that they are.

So, it's frustrating for me, and I lose hope. And I say to myself "Why do I even fucking try." But sure enough, the next time I get an opportunity, I try again. What the fuck is it with that? Why don't I just freaking give up on it entirely. It's certainly has not proven to be a productive exercise for me, and the repercussions are felt in my relationship with my children and my friends and loved ones.

And, it's funny, because I was having this somewhat existential crisis over this from the minute I woke up this morning. And I checked my referral logs today (sort of like checking my horoscope, I guess) and I found this old entry, which I think helped me to align that hope and frustration with who I am, and why maybe it's good for me to retain that hope, in spite of that frustration. And to understand that, at my core, I am a decent person who chooses to believe that people aren't inherently bad, in spite of the layers of bad we clothe ourselves in, or the layers of bullshit that are heaped upon us. That I know L to be a good person underneath those layers, and that it's no more productive for me to give up on the hope of one day being able to communicate with him as it is to HOPE that I will one day be able to communicate with him. That, rather, I need to just be. And breathe. And communicate in whatever way I can. And, while it's not necessarily a hope I want to hang my hat on, all hope should be nurtured. For it is hope that drives me to understand that goodness beneath all of the bullshit.

My proactive solution, then, was to write an e-mail in hopes of quelling some of the fears I heard from L, as well as to help me see for myself on paper that I am working hard and doing good work. I think yesterday, I was mourning. It's funny that in this 5 year process of divorce, I keep discovering these little pockets of mourning that need to occur. I think yesterday, I was mourning a loss of hope (which I will continue to mourn and rekindle, mourn and rekindle until my hopes are realized) and I need to prepare myself for this pattern of mourning and processing that I will experience throughout. And I need to differentiate between hopelessness as it relates to things that are within my control and hopelessness as it relates to things outside of my control. I need to make the necessary changes to eliminate the former, and I need to expand, allow for and expel the latter.

Posted at 10:46 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Cryptic thought for the day.

December 2, 2004

I absolutely love my attorney. And that's all you are getting.

Posted at 10:11 AM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

It's over

June 25, 2004

At least this phase. We filed our temporary orders without getting in front of a judge. My attorney was able to mediate an agreement between us that I think is pretty OK on a temporary basis. My attorney then proceeded to give me some well-meaning but uninformed advice that kind of ticked me off, and I think I'm going to need to talk to him about it. But...we'll see.

I just hate being treated like I don't have a plan. Now that the other party is going to be at least partially responsible for some of the financial burden around here, I can put my plans in motion, knowing fully what I need. My attorney was advocating a pretty extreme measure for taking care of my bills that I don't think is necessary...and I need him to understand my perspective if I'm going to work with him anymore.

At any rate, this phase is over, and L is acting like he wants to go into mediation for the next phase. I'm open to that, but there are a few issues that I'm not willing to compromise on. I think my stance is fair, but it's probably not going to be agreeable to L. So, we will see.

I'm a little deflated because I thought I would feel more like things have been mostly resolved, and they are not. There's a big "what if" hanging over my head at this point. I'm struggling to find a way to view it as a positive thing, but I'm having a very difficult time finding that vantage.

I hope everyone has a good weekend.

Posted at 4:15 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Research...

June 16, 2004

You know, the idea of becoming a paralegal or research person (in any field) is becoming appealing to me (pardon the pun). I have just spent the last 2 hours poring over various divorce/custody disputes involving homeschooling.

It doesn't look good for Mr. L to prove his case that the children should be in public school. I think he believes that the children have no curriculum and don't do any schoolwork. Um, no. While I fully agree, philisophically, with the concept of unschooling...I am not a purist by any measure. Each day of the week we focus on a different subject, and the children are encouraged to read, write, learn within that subject area for the day.

The law in Texas is that the children be taught math, reading, spelling, grammar and good citizenship. On any given day, we quiz each other, play games (tally money/scores), do mazes and puzzles, play computer games, read books, write in our journal, paint pictures, go on nature hikes, discuss conservation, have philisophical conversations, take care of the pets and plants, visit with friends, go on field trips...and a number of other things.

The children have workbooks and journals, they check out countless books from the library and read them, they enjoy learning, they take initiative to figure out the answers to things.

For me to be denied the right to educate our children at home, within my legal rights as a citizen, there would have to be some proof that the children are being damaged.

All of this in spite of the fact that our one school-aged son is beyond the curve - Way beyond the curve - in all of the above-mentioned subjects. He might be slightly behind in writing, but I'm really waiting for him to feel more comfortable and relaxed with writing & I'm sure that will come as he gains more confidence in his physical capabilities in other areas, like baseball. In the meantime, I'm having him practice typing. I say, bring on the standardized tests...and i NEVER thought i'd hear myself say that! Bring it on, let Monk's abilities speak for themselves. At this moment, he's rooting around, looking for ANOTHER book to read (he's read two Goosebumps books since yesterday's library trip, and it looks like he's going to start reading his Redwall book.)

Putting monk in school would force me to get a day job...or else I wouldn't see Monk at all during the week...which would force me to put Coley in daycare, and would actually DECREASE the amount of time that L was able to spend with the children, as I would at that point probably request a standard order of visitation, without the additional visitation that he now enjoys. Not out of spite, but out of a desire to see my children as much as allowable by law.

Whose best interest is that? It makes no sense. It would disrupt the lives of EVERYONE. That simply cannot be done unless it is proven that the children are being damaged by our current situation. That can't be proven, because it isn't true.

At any rate, I have an appointment with my attorney today. The questions I have for him are:

Do i need to have the attorney present at the continuance of the order setting hearing
What, if anything, do I need to do in preparation for a challenge to the homeschooling
Is it likely that once L finds an attorney, that attorney will flatly tell him that it's ridiculous to pursue this battle (I am sincerely hoping that SOMEONE tells him it's ridiculous, otherwise we're both going to stand to lose a lot of money that could be put to better use)
Where the heck is my child support check and/or paperwork

I'm sure there are more questions...those are the main ones.

My vacation from work starts tomorrow. I will spend this vacation relaxing, enjoying, researching, ritualizing, preparing, detoxing, cleaning, romping, stomping, dancing, singing, playing, goofing, studying, thinking, meditating...and planning. All within the confines of my own, lovely, wonderful HOME.

This post has been edited.

Posted at 10:08 AM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

Divorce Update

June 13, 2004

Is it Sunday already? It's been quite a weekend.

Friday in divorce court, L requested a continuance of our order setting hearing so he could get a lawyer. I objected, and we were brought up to the bench to discuss the emergency issues. L's was that he feels like he's not seeing the kids enough. My emergency issue is that, damnit, I need to start collecting child support from this man. Now.

I was granted support at 25% of his salary, and we set up the account that day. I am supposed to get my first check on Monday. It's not much, and I feel like he should be earning more, but it's a start. It's something.

However, it was a horrible experience dealing with him in court. He's hostile and embarrasingly unable/unwilling to talk with me on any level...and yet he somehow expects us to co-parent the children. It's bullshit. But anyway. He's getting a lawyer, and I called my attorney to see whether he would represent me. I'm going to meet with him next week to discuss the issues a little further. My attorney doesn't seem to think there's too much to worry about, but I'm feeling like it will be a little better to at least have him there in court with me, even if I do all of the paperwork and everything else. We'll see.

The major issue that L will be fighting me on is homeschooling. I don't see how he can argue against Monk's current level of knowledge. I would imagine if a judge talked to the child, she would laugh at L. And the state of Texas doesn't really have a very strict standard defining homeschooling...we are most certainly complying with everything that is delineated in the law. Monk does, indeed, follow a bona fide curriculum that teaches the basic subjects. We participate in a diverse community of homeschooling parents and children, and there are many witnesses to my dedication as a homeschooling parent, some of whom are professionals in childhood development and education. He's, in general, a happy, well-adjusted, smart, inquisitive child who is at or above grade level in all subjects.

And he enjoys homeschooling and would be traumatized by being sent to public school. AND, my schedule is set up to allow me to homeschool him...if he did not homeschool, I would not see him. And I am the parent with whom they reside.

So, it doesn't seem like it will be an issue, but I want to make sure. That's why I'm visiting my lawyer this week.

But it angers me, because there's no way L will win this battle, and he's going to waste a lot of money trying. Money that could be spent on educational materials and supplies.

And he doesn't understand, or is unwilling to admit that this is exactly why I am requesting sole managing conservatorship. I simply don't want this to be an issue anymore. I'm tired of him suggesting that my choices for the children are wrong, and yet not being specific about what's wrong about them OR what his idead of preferable alternatives are. It's all part of the abuse and control. And he has to know that I have documented numerous instances in which this desire for him to use the children to control me has manifested.

It's bad for the children for him to use them to gain the upper hand over me. I have no desire to do the same for him...in fact, I'm willing to inconvenience myself to provide the children with what I feel is best for them.

The other argument he has is time. He wants to go back to the old schedule of childcare that we were using when he was watching them in my home. I don't think that's a good idea. I've discovered through my interaction with my children and through reading about divorce scenarios with other families that dividing up the time between parents as we have been is an emotional roller-coaster. We all get along so much better when it's not split that way. This weekend, I have been with them since Thursday. This is the most time I've spent with them without another parent around since our road trip last year. I've basically spent every Saturday out of my home and away from them.

I have to admit, I was a little scared of having 5 full days without another parent to rely on...to spell me if I was tired...but it's worked out great. The kids and I have hit a real groove. I'm able to enforce rules with Monk that I have had difficulty enforcing. We've had some excellent conversations, and things are going very smoothly. When we hit a rough patch, we are able to deal with that, and there's a flow - there's a lot of time where the rules are consistent and the kids are comfortable. I'm enjoying being with them immensely this weekend. They really are awesome kids. I've known that all along, but I never realized how crucial it is for them to have this consistenct. I imagine it's the same when L has them for a chunk of time.

But we decided in court that we would work out a temporary schedule of visitation, and then we'd talk to some child psychology experts about coming up with a schedule that works for our family. i hope L is smart enough to realize that the court shouldn't make that decision for us. I tried telling him that it's too much on an inconvenience for me to find childcare for me to do this just for the sake of pissing him off. I hope somewhere in there he's listening. I never know, though.

So, I think things went well...and I think things will go better. The hearing has been reset for 2 weeks from now. I'm taking some time off work around then to get things in order like the paperwork and arranging for regular childcare and just spending time with the kids and really communicating with them to determine what they need from me. It will be some good time, I think. I'm looking forward to it.

Posted at 9:55 AM • Comments (6) • TrackBack

Proposed Disposition of Issues

June 10, 2004

Is certainly a big jumble of words that actually means "what I got & what I want" and damn if I don't get it.

I just spent about 3 hours writing it up. I wish I could share it with you, but it has all sorts of personal information that I probably shouldn't be sharing over the internet. When I have time, though, I'll probably make up some dummy information and post it. That is, if I pass my final exam tomorrow and actually, you know, don't get kicked out of the court room for trying to submit my amateur paperwork.

Basically, the disposition of issues consists of a lot of budgeting paperwork. Figuring out what I need, and comparing it to what I have was an exercise in humility. I don't have NEARLY what I need, yet I've been getting by. I've been getting by.

One thing that has suffered in the interim, though, are the maintenance issues. They're piling up around me now. Car maintenance, home maintenance, and personal maintenance for myself, my kids, and my pets. The good thing about having spent all afternoon analyzing this, is that now I have a realistic budget for the coming year or so...and I can come up with a plan of action, once I know how much L will be paying in support.

It's also quite validating to see exactly what I've been holding up for these past 3 years...all on my own. I was panicking and talking to my mom (again) because I was worried that some of my expenses were higher than they should be. My mom suggested that I estimate on the high side. I was worried that I'd be judged (mostly because L, jobless though he was over the past three years, in spite of all of my admonishments that he generate some income, was always telling me that it wasn't that he wasn't making money, it was that I was spending too much) and mom said "you don't think the court is going to see that you've been carrying the household for the last 3 years? You don't think that's unusual at all?"

I balk at that kind of statement, thinking of all of the hard working stay at home moms I know who do not earn an income. Until I remember that L has been nothing like a stay at home mom. He watched the kids for 6 hours or so a night while I was at work, complained bitterly if I wanted to go to work an hour early or come home a couple of hours late, and "allowed me" to hang out by myself for 5-7 hours on Saturdays and some Fridays. The alone time was something I had to battle for throughout our marriage.

So, yeah...I'm fully aware that I need relief. That I deserve relief. But is the court going to see it that way? Or will I just look like the embittered, controlling, abusive spendthrift that L sees me as?

I guess that remains to be seen. I'm not going to know before tomorrow...and neither will any of you!

Thanks so much for the words of encouragement and support. I feel a lot calmer now that I have the paperwork nearly done. I can print it out at work and get back to enjoying a weekend with my children once the court hearing is over with tomorrow.

*deep breath*

Posted at 3:57 PM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

Crunch Time

June 10, 2004

I finally spoke with my attorney today about tomorrow's hearing. I'm nervous. My attorney seems like a really nice guy, and he's really helping me out...but I'm not really paying him much of anything, and so it's natural that he's not always responsive or really informed of my proceedings. He seemed shocked that I have a hearing tomorrow. Almost as if he hadn't expected me to go through with it. Part of me wonders if he's just waiting for me to get frustrated and give up and ask him to represent me.

He did give me some good information about what to prepare for tomorrow. I just wish he had given it to me yesterday or the day before. Today, I have the kids all day and night, and will be bringing them with me to work. The hearing is in the early morning. My plan is to maybe give the kids some PBS time around 2 or 3 this afternoon, finish typing up the paperwork, and print it all out when I get to work. In the meantime, I'm frantically looking up legal terminology, trying to really make sense of it all. Paralegal by fire, I think it's called.

I called my mom today to babble ceaselessly about nothing in particular in hopes that it will calm me down. Thankfully, there's very little tension between us these days. I feel like I am going insane, though. Like once I get started talking, I get stuck in a loop and just start saying the same thing over and over again. She has been awesome about letting me vent and not interrupting me to hang up. J and k8 have both also been so patient with my ceaseless angst over this whole process. I feel like I need to bake everyone a cake.

Of course, she did mention today how disappointed she was/is that I never "got an education." Now she's all hot on the idea that I should become a lawyer. I don't think so. I've gained a new appreciation for lawyers during this process, but I certainly don't have any desire to be one. I know enough about the process, and how tedious and mundane it is, to ever wish that on myself. I am interested in learning more about law, mostly because I feel there should be some sort of field for "lay attorneys" - sort of like a midwife of law. hahaha. I told her that would be great and all, but I would hardly earn back what it would cost me to get a degree/license to practice law.

At any rate, there is stress here, but I'm breathing deep. The sun is shining bright enough to dry the sheets if I throw them in the wash now. The annoying motorcycle guy has stopped circling the neighborhood, revving his engine at ever stop sign. The kids are ready to be read to. The fans are blowing. There's incense to light and coffee to drink and lunch to prepare and work to be done.

I know I've asked for more than my fair share, but I could use all the luck and well wishes I can get.

Posted at 11:01 AM • Comments (8) • TrackBack

Cryptic Law

June 7, 2004

My order setting hearing is this Friday, and I guess I never thought I would get this far, because I have no idea what I'm supposed to bring or what the procedure will be. I'm trying not to be nervous...I don't think I have anything to be nervous about...but I'm, um, nervous.

The thing is that lawyers have even more of a clamp on the legal system than doctors have on the medical system. Almost. When I filed the paperwork on Thursday, I felt like I was walking around in a daze, listening to conversations that had no meaning to me. When the judge asked me what was in the Temporary restraining order, I had no idea what to say to him. He finally prompted me by asking if there was anything unusual that he wouldn't normally grant.

My lawyer gave me excellent instructions on where to go and in what order, but I just felt...weird. It seems like our legal system, which is fundamental to our democracy, should be something that is navigable for a common person. There were several occasions where it was evident that the clerks and other court employees were just irritated that i was there without a legal professional to guide me.

I'm not saying we shouldn't need lawyers...I'm saying that for certain things lawyers, like doctors, shouldn't be as necessary as they are. The information is easy enough to put together once you have a guide to help you, but looking for ANYTHING online is totally daunting. It's all locked up. Lawyer's sites give you a taste of what you will need, and state agencies give you practically nothing. It's bizarre. I'm used to typing in search terms and finding just about everything I need, and I can't help but to think that it's an intentional information blackout.

Anyway...after worrying all weekend about what the heck I need to pull together for the order setting hearing on Friday, I just gave in and called my lawyer. I feel bad bugging him for information since he's barely charging me anything, but I am just not finding the information I need anywhere else. I imagine I will go to the legal clinic on Wednesday if I can...and if he can't help me. It would be just so much easier if SOMEWHERE on the internet there was a guide to divorce that would help me. Even the book I bought refuses to even approach some of the issues I'm facing in my divorce, and really doesn't have a good explanation of the proceedings.

Ah, well. Another adventure for me. And perhaps this dearth of information is just a sign that someone need to fill in the gap with SOMETHING - even if it's just a personal detailed account of the process I followed to get everything taken care of...

Posted at 11:29 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

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The Metaphorical Coffee Cup

August 10, 2006

I know! Let's punish the mama!

April 15, 2006

Healing.

February 27, 2006

More deconstruction of the Father's Rights movement from Trish.

January 3, 2006

Fathers, Custody, and Control

November 10, 2005

The Sanctity of Marriage?

October 31, 2005

Divorce Wars

October 28, 2005

Navel Gazing (or relationships, isolation, community, and sex)

October 8, 2005

Processing the Day

August 5, 2005

It's Over. Or, how to "win" a divorce.

August 5, 2005

Less than 12 hours, and counting...

August 4, 2005

July, 2005

July 5, 2005

I can resolve the entire MRA/custody "rights" argument with a handful of words...

June 6, 2005

Cleaning and crying

June 5, 2005

I am ready to begin writing now.

June 4, 2005

Cryptic thought for the day.

December 2, 2004

It's over

June 25, 2004

Research...

June 16, 2004

Divorce Update

June 13, 2004

Proposed Disposition of Issues

June 10, 2004

Crunch Time

June 10, 2004

Cryptic Law

June 7, 2004