Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings: humor Archives

DruBlood

Home
Dramatis Personae
Archives
Contact

Feed the Bleed

Full Bleed Fundraiser

Amazon wish list
Cole’s birthday - 10/24
Monk’s birthday - 12/2
Dru’s birthday - 1/5

Search

Syndicate this site (XML)

Special thanks

adam host
julie template queen
kd general lusciousness
pea guru

Powered byMovable Type 1.5

Lessons learned on my vacation

March 26, 2007

I assume this will be added to throughout the week, but here goes...

Lessons I have learned while traveling with the kids:

Necessary Hotel Amenities: indoor pool, in-room refrigerator, in-room coffee maker, television with cable. Beds? Optional. (Coley ended up sleeping on the floor both nights after falling out of the bed the first hour of the first night.)

Kids Eat Free means you have to choose from a very unhealthy menu and you still end up paying for it.

No matter how subtle the incline, if there is grass, the kids will find an excuse to roll around in it.

You actually can skin your face, if you are Coley.

There is nothing cuter than a pair of giant river otters...except maybe a whole mess of penguins.

Evidently, I am attractive to parrots.

Always always always eat a meal before going to the art museum.

Never bring your fragile-egoed 6-year old aspiring artist into a gallery of youth artwork. He WILL fall on the floor and cry about how he will NEVER be that good...and he wants to go home NOW.

If you are at a truck stop rest room, and the boys have to use the bathroom, better to bring them in the ladies room than chew your fingernails while you watch countless seedy-looking men stream into the restroom you just sent your boys into.

No matter how much you spend and how much effort you exert, the boys will talk endlessly about how great the hotel was (and the swimming pool) (and the cable television) and not mention anything else. You can count this as a victory. You did, after all, choose the hotel.

Also, three days after arriving home, when you spend a simple day at the park and get stuck in the rain and your impossible to please 6 year old tells you "This day was more funner than most other days." Don't take it personally. Just smile, and nod in agreement...and muse over his ability to stay in the present.

Posted at 9:31 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Argument Haiku

March 18, 2007

I just had the BEST idea while I was out there hanging laundry (yes, ladies and gentlemen, I did ANOTHER four lines today. That's 8 (I just tried to capitalized "8") count them EIGHT, lines of laundry in two days. Now I gotta fold that shit!). Here is my idea...you ready?

ARGUMENT HAIKU.

Think about it...the next time you get into an argument, why not argue IN HAIKU. You have to stop before everything you say and create the 5-7-5 flow...and not only that, but you have to say something naturey! If you still manage anger through that, then at least you will baffle, amuse, and/or irritate your fightmate - any one of which might create a less volatile situation in which to argue!

I would give an example of argument haiku, but lately all of my arguments have been about stuff like "clash vs. sex pistols" hahahaha...and I am not sure that would make good haiku. Lemme see...

"overrated tripe,"
you say? Let me tell YOU, sir...
...an earthworm tunnels.

hahahaha.

Posted at 5:36 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Going to Hell.

November 30, 2006

Oh, man...I love this. Especially since, just this morning, I made Monk cry because I wouldn't buy him a video game that is rated M. What can I say? I am an evil fascist!

[link via comments on this post at Jesus' General]

Posted at 9:24 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Here's that joke I was trying to remember last night for the Californians in the crowd

March 14, 2006

Three guys are in a bar: an Aggie, a Californian, and a guy from Austin. They drink and get a little rowdy. Suddenly, completely without warning, the Aggie grabs a bottle of tequila, unscrews the top, takes a good swig, and throws the bottle in the air. He then jerks out a Colt 45 pistol and shoots the bottle, spraying tequila all over everything and everybody.

The patrons at the bar shout, "Hey bud, why'd you waste that tequila?"

The Aggie says "Heck, it's just tequila. Us Aggie's go across the border all the time and get all the tequila we want."

Not to be outdone, the Californian whips out a corkscrew and uncorks a bottle of wine. He pours a little bit into a glass, swirls it in the glass, sniffs, comments on the tart insolent piquancy of its bouquet, sips, tosses the bottle in the air, nicks it with a round from a little chrome plated pistol, and showers a couple of patrons at the bar with wine.

The patrons, upset by the casual waste and general lack of concern for their safety, express their displeasure and astonishment, to which the Californian replies, "Well, I'm from the Napa Valley, and we have more than enough wine where I come from."

The Austinite, a quiet observer until this point, touches the crystal hanging from his neck, checks out his tattoo, flips back his ponytail, and puts down his guitar. He pops the top off a Shiner beer, hammers it back, throws the empty bottle into the air, pulls a 9mm Beretta, takes careful aim, shoots both the Californian and the Aggie, and catches the falling bottle.

The patrons scream,"Why did you do that!?!"

The Austinite replies, "I'm from Austin. We've got too many Aggie's and WAY too many Californians, but glass bottles, now - those can be recycled!!

[joke ripped from here, with one small change.]

Posted at 2:02 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

For Sale: One slightly used Limbo*

December 6, 2005

eBay.co.uk: Limbo (item 4424477850 end time 14-Dec-05 22:45:15 GMT)

[link via Bellman, where zwich also posted something hilarious about the alarmism surrounding Alito...as if there isn't enough to get alarmed about without kind of, sort of...well, going overboard. I mean, I'm as anti-christian as the next guy, but I also really believe there is such a thing as choosing your battles. Or maybe I've just been swayed to the Dark Side by Mr. Rowland's wit. I mean "Christmas is a green scab that must be picked from the skin of our culture. Ending its nutmeg scented hegemony is the next logical step in our ongoing war against religion. Sam "Yuletide" Alito cannot be allowed to stand in our way."...folks, that's absolutely swoon-worthy witty shit, right there..]

*Sorry, little old heathen me does not know if there is a difference between limbo and purgatory.

Posted at 10:20 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Now THAT is fucking funny.

October 1, 2005

Redneck Mother points to this video as an example of "reframing."

It's not only funny...it's, like TEXTBOOK funny.

Posted at 9:42 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Looking to The Onion

September 8, 2005

The Onion :

Louisiana National Guard Offers Help By Phone From Iraq
BAGHDAD—The 4,000 Louisiana National Guardsmen stationed in Iraq, representing over a third of the state's troops, called home this week to find out what, if any, help they could offer Katrina survivors from overseas. "The soldiers wanted to know if they could call 911 for anyone, or perhaps send some water via FedEx," said Louisiana National Guard spokesman Lt. Col. Pete Schneider. The Guardsmen also "would love to send generators, rations, and Black Hawk helicopters for rescue missions," but, said Schneider, "we desperately need these in Iraq to stay alive." Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld praised the phone support, but noted that it would take months to transfer any equipment from Iraq to New Orleans, saying, "You fight a national disaster with the equipment you have."

You know...I bet FedEx would have gotten it there quicker. And I'm not just saying that because I used to work for Kinko's.

Posted at 12:03 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Bush Solves the Energy Crisis...in the future!

August 10, 2005

The Onion | Bush Vows To Eliminate U.S. Dependence On Oil By 4920

"It would be a shame if, by the 33rd century, these bills were still tied up in committee. I urge the 712th Congress to pass this legislation with minimal partisan gridlock," Bush said.
The president's science advisor, John Marburger, provided more details of the energy plan in a press release issued late Monday.

"It is the president's hope that hydrogen fuel cells, nanotechnology, or the recycling of human beings into fuel will hold the key," Marburger wrote. "Whatever the people of the 50th century feel is appropriate."

In a detailed policy statement, Bush elaborated on the plan, expressing the hope that a third party, perhaps one comprising robots or super-intelligent, genetically engineered man-beasts, will help reduce America's dependence on fossil fuels.

[link via prometheus 6]

Posted at 7:44 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

OK, one more...

February 9, 2004

GW Bush Military Record

via Trish Wilson's fabulous Sunday reading list.

Posted at 11:02 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Birds

May 27, 2003

There are many things about walking that make it preferable to driving, and even though it's fucking hot outside, I really do enjoy my walks to and from the bus stop and wherever else I need to go. I notice things more when I walk, and I have more time to think. Really, I'd be set if I could get some sort of a mindread machine and blog while walking along. I dunno about how the people who have to read it would feel, but it'd be cool to be able to just braindump and then sort through later.

Anyway, today I remember I was thinking about birds. There were two or three other things I thought about, but birds are what stuck with me. Because it's spring, and there are lots of dead birds on the ground, and that's one of the many things you just don't get to see if you are always stuck in a car way up high off the road.

The other day at homeschooler park day, there was a baby bird flapping around on the ground. I kind of ignored it because, well, my kids have seen baby birds flapping on the ground. They know that it's best to leave them alone and let mom and dad bird take care of it. In fact, during the rescue mission I'm about to describe, m approached me and I asked him if he wanted to see the baby bird and he basically said "Nah...I've already seen baby birds." And he fondly reflected on the two baby blue jays that he and papa had observed (while dodging decapitation missions of mama and papa bluejay.)

Anyway, as I sat and watched my children at play, a ruckus erupted over the baby bird. A mom arrived who just could not stand to see this baby bird who had so helplessly fallen from the nest (never mind that the bird was a fledgling who was JUST ABOUT ready to fly...and was most likely pushed from the nest by mom and/or dad, who generally know how to take care of such things). There was much ado and running about before heroic homeschool mom found a cloth diaper and was able to pick up the baby bird and dodge the attacks launched by mom and dad bird as she relocated the baby to a small patch of trees by the tennis courts.

And there was much rejoicing. Children cheered. People wept with joy. Mom and dad bird chirped angrily. Baby bird either quietly recovered from or succumbed to shock. Heroic homeschool mom placed the soiled diaper in an airtight container to be sanitized later, and bounced off to the car with what appeared to be a self-congratulatory air...

...and returned with a big old bucket of chicken for herself and her children to eat for lunch.

People really fucking amuse me.

Posted at 7:19 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Not even Flat Stanley knows

May 22, 2003

Holy shit! This is RICH. So, I was just cruising random blogs on my blogroll, and I ended up here via metamorphosism. As Mig said, this is .GOV, not .org or .com. My favorite is this one, which explains the title of this post.

Posted at 5:07 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Not a one-hit wonder

May 17, 2003

Iron mey proves his (I'm making an assumption that "Tom" is a guy - but I could be wrong) worth again by posting this spoof of what television media would look like in print:

Hello, and welcome to the column. Those of you who are regular readers know that we write about news, and so we shall. Coming up later in this paragraph, a sentence ending with a preposition. Also in this report, startling news about secondhand smoke. And still to come, we ask the important question: "automatic weapons -- can your children still afford them?" All that, coming up after the break, when we bring you more news you can't get enough of.

He rocks. Go read.

Posted at 9:57 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack