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Weeds/flowers/love...Lebowski!
September 11, 2007
The tall grass is gone
from the front yard
waving stalks
green and plain which, twice a year
Blossomed tiny pale-pink flowers
My neighbor called them weeds,
then called the city
who called on me
with a citation to mow them down...or pay a fine.
****
I wonder sometimes if they know your heart
the way I do.
And, conversely, if there are facets of you
that shine brilliant for them
and I have never noticed.
It is this that keeps me from viewing love
as conquest.
Those perfect blooms, unseen.
Love does not conquer...
it abides.
(hahahah...like the dude!)
Something Magical Happens
August 8, 2007
How the children can
remind me why I fell in
love with their papa.
Partner/Lover/Friends
July 3, 2007
My ideal partner:
is practical
is kind
is patient
is even-tempered
is capable
is handy
is steady
is sure
is dependable
is a good example for my children
My ideal lover:
is creative
is passionate
is romantic
is kind
is attentive
is, like, in love with me and stuff
is independent
is available
is respectful
My ideal friends:
are forgiving
are lovable
are caring
are kind
are patient
are open and honest
are unique
are artistic
are funny
And I'm somehow supposed to believe I can find all of those qualities in one person?
Shyeah, right!
love and birds and art (from an email...)
June 23, 2007
it's always amazing how birds cease to sound like birds when they are recorded. Anyway, I did a little voice recording talking about all of the birds I have known in my life. I hope it turns out ok. You know...every day I wake up and am thankful that I have someone...well, several people, actually, your sweet self included...who is so in tune with me artistically that I feel totally comfortable sharing with and creating for and being inspired by. It's wonderful to have that. I always kind of hoped artistic stuff wasn't just a phase in my life...and as I get older, I find out that it's way more important for me to be connected to my creative self than it ever was before. I'm glad it's all around me. I have made some very good choices in my life, and most of them have been the people I have chosen to love.
Measuring success...
January 16, 2007
You know...it occurs to me that one of the challenges in living an unconventional life is that there is no measure of success. Not that it's really helpful to compare or measure success based on external criteria, anyway...but, still. This afternoon, I found myself articulating something with someone, and I had to really step back from it and think hard about it before realizing...holy fucking shit...I've created something wonderful in my life that is perfect for me right now in this moment. And even if it might seem fucked up by conventional standards, I know for myself it is not.
That's a pretty amazing realization...that I can just stand back and enjoy what I've created.
Love, part two.
January 13, 2007
And then there is the practical love. See...this is what always gets to me. There is wild-assed crazy in love and all that entails and then there is steady, staid, stable love that supports me and ensures I don't get too out of hand. The question is, which do I prefer? And I suppose it's not a pressing question at the moment.
I am capable of taking care of myself, but it is nice to have a love that checks in. It is nice to have a love that thinks about me above others. It is nice to have a love that calls to make sure I am ok before I go to bed at night, when I'm having a rough day. All of these things are nice. And practical. But are they sustainable?
Is it more of a gamble to invest myself in love that flits in and out and fills me with inspiration, but cannot be counted on for any other purpose? I'm not sure. Steadfastness and stability seems less of a risk, but is it, really? Are there guarantees in any of it? It seems like, in the end, the odds are about even.
Is it selfish for me to want both? To rely upon the love that is there and true, and eternally flirt with the muse - in whatever form she takes. Perhaps it is true that no one person will ever satisfy me. Funny that in saying that, and living it, I run the risk of being alone forever.
Beauty, beauty, beauty, beautiful
December 16, 2006
I should be preparing for my meeting at work right now, but I wanted to take a moment and capture the way I am feeling right now.
I have this...thing. Love. I am wondering why we, as humans, have a tendency to want to possess those we love. I know it's not just me, but I can't help but question it. Is it a valid desire to want to own those we love? Because I can see the beauty in just appreciating what's there without getting my hands all in there mucking things up.
I am standing outside of love, appreciating what I see through the glass, but not sure if I am worthy or even desirous of entering and locking the door.
And, at the same time, all around me exists in this perpetual state of ecstatic (e)motion. Does stepping in involve severing my ties to all of that? And if I can be in love while retaining love for all the rest that surrounds me, why must I require that severance from someone else? Why must it make me feel unsure when the other does not wish to or is incapable of severance?
This is not a sad or morose feeling. Instead, I am filled with a hopeful understanding. All is far more simple and far more complex than I am giving credit. And, truly, all of it is beautiful. All of it. Every. Last. Bit.
<3
At what point does the expression of desire equal coercion?
October 17, 2006
The kids and I are reading the last Lemony Snicket book - The End. The setting of the book so far is a desert island, pseudo-utopia, in which the facilitator is often heard to say "I don't want to force you, but..." before he gives his opinion or advice on a matter. The islanders always comply.
This is making me think about a situation in which I am somewhat of a facilitator. I wonder if the expression of desire causes the same kind of coercion as the expression of an opinion. If I am looked to as someone who provides support, guidance, and feedback...that is a damn powerful position to be put in. It almost seems as if being placed in that position causes me to have to maintain neutrality to provide the best facilitation possible. Even though I desire something different.
In the Snicket book, the facilitator advises a very spartan lifestyle for the islanders, and advises (without forcing, mind you) that almost all items that are washed ashore be tossed into a large area that harbors many treasures that the facilitator feels might cause unrest if they are allowed to be kept in the colony. Meanwhile, the facilitator frequents a secret lair in which several comfort items have found safe harbor and which he puts to use.
For myself, I am feeling like I am the one who is forced by my role as facilitator to live a spartan existence, while the person I am facilitating gets to partake in things that I desire but am bound by my weird sense of ethics to leave unexpressed. I don't feel like a martyr, and it's not pity I crave...it is just interesting how we are all bound by one thing or another. With all my heart, I want to break free of this role. I am not sure what keeps me here. Is it really the fear that my expression of desire would cause me to be less neutral? Or is it that I am using my role as facilitator as an excuse to leave desires unexpressed for fear they are not reciprical? Or is it just that I find as much satisfaction in my role as facilitator, in spite of the supression of desire, as I would in expressing desire? Perhaps it is just plain good practice for me to keep my mouth shut for once about what I want. To keep my feelings to myself, rather than spill them all over the place.
I guess either way it is best to be silent for now, until I figure it all out. After all, I wouldn't want to rock the boat.
Love.
October 14, 2006
I am sorry if I seem obsessed with this topic lately. Hahaha. I have been involved in a very long - like 6-month long - conversation about love and insanity and hope and weighing needs against ideals and everything like that. It is neverending. The person I am having this conversation with is crazy and beautiful and amazing and wise and kind...and sometimes the opposite of all of that. There are times when I feel like I am in love with him, and there are times when I feel like that would be the absolute dumbest idea in the world. But either way, this whole epic discussion is making me think. Hard. About what I value, what I need, what I want...and what I am willing to compromise. And, really, either way it is moot. Because we will most likely never be together...for various reasons - some his and some mine.
It sounds both more and less tragic than it actually is. You know? On the one hand, how wonderful that I have this person with whom I can share so much without having to worry about all of that relationship crap with. On the other hand...there are times when the idea of us together is painfully desirable, and the reasons why we can't be are almost Shakespearian in drama and in convolution. Of course, there are also simple and logistical reasons for the way things are, but that's no fun to focus on! Hahaha.
But anyway, I keep having these really revelatory conversations with this person that seem to apply only to him or me or him and me, but in actuality are fairly universal. I should probably look back on them in times of distance to see what I can dig up. But recently, there has been a lot having to do with safety and honesty and whether you can actually preserve stability by being dishonest. I guess I had never considered before that honesty can cause instability, and that people need to be prepared to deal with that consequence if they choose to be honest. And that some people choose to be dishonest rather than risk causing instability.
I am also learning a lot about trusting my instincts to love people. And to allow second and third and fourth chances. And allowing someone to give me second and third and fourth chances. It is a friendship, but it is way deeper than that. It is painful, but it gives so much wisdom and fulfillment in return. I feel like, yeah, like there is a reason this person is in my life in the way that he is. I am thankful for his presence even though sometimes I want to kick him in the shins and stick my tongue out at him. He is a challenge, and he is delightful. He is a stubborn, obnoxious brat, and he is adorable. He is my friend, and I love him without measure.
What more can I say?
Male Friends...
October 8, 2006
Is there some sort of unwritten man rule that states it is a necessity for single, childless men to tell me or confirm for me how unlikely it will be for me to ever find a man because I have kids...or because I am too old or too busy or too whatever.
I mean, seriously...is this supposed to be encouraging?
A little hint for all of you men out there. When your female friends come to you feeling like crap because they are having difficulty finding people they can relate to, it's probably a good idea to not make them feel further alienated by revealing your own personal dating prejudices. Even if you have to lie. Fuck it. If we are friends, and not dating, I GET that there is a reason (whether it is mine or yours) but I don't need to hear that reason expanded to include every man on earth. You can't even fucking know that anyway, so why not just, you know, give a nice pep talk and send me on my merry way?
Of course, I'm so freaking stubborn that hearing someone say I will never find anyone who is willing to deal with my circumstances only makes me want to disprove the jackass who said it in the first place. So, who knows, maybe these male friends of mine know me better than I am giving them credit for.
Or maybe the fact that they are male friends proves that I am developing the art of discernment and will actually be able to choose a romantic partner who is not an insensitive ass.
Ha!
Sadly, I think I can relate.
September 27, 2006
Black swan falls for pedal boat | World Wide Weird | The Australian
A yacht school owner, Peter Overschmidt, complained: "When I sail too close to the pedal boat, the black bird puffs up its feathers and hoots at me."This behaviour proves that the swan has built an attachment with the pedal boat," said biologist Dirk Wewers from the local Allwetter Zoo.
Sadly, biologists are worried that because swans are monogamous, this one will waste his life pining away for his plastic lover.
[link via zeebah]
What I am looking for.
September 24, 2006
I have finally come to the conclusion that I am truly desiring a relationship. This is not an easy thing for me to admit to, as I have somehow managed to equate needing people in the context of a romantic relationship with some sort of weakness. And it does not help that this desire is fairly needs-based. I am tired. I don't want to do this alone anymore. My life is delightful and fun and challenging and frequently blissful, but it is also really fucking exhausting. It needs to be shared - the bliss and the burden.
And how did I finally come to this conclusion? I had a dream last night that I woke up and someone had cleaned out my refrigerator for me. It was sparkling clean. And totally empty. Waiting for me to fill it with yummy food that I had time to lovingly prepare in my not-cleaned-by-me kitchen. I felt so good in my dream that I was nearly orgasmic.
So, yeah. Fuck all of this shit about love anarchy and wanting to recreate the rules of love relationships. Evidently, all I need is to find one motherfucking person who will clean my fridge, and I will be content and fulfilled.
Hahahaha.
Friends.
August 23, 2006
You know, there are some people in my life who make me happy just through the mere knowledge that they are alive. My friend John is one of those people. We have been friends for, gah, 20 years now. I have written about him before, I am sure. He is just an amazing person, an amazingly gifted photographer, and someone who has managed to nurture and keep alive the essential soul that I grew to love when we were teenagers into adulthood.
I am so so so fucking lucky to have the friends I have. John is one of my very most favorites. I love you, Johnny John John. Looking at your photos today made me feel so incredibly full of love with life. Thank you.
more on non-monogamy
August 19, 2006
Slipping the Ties That Bind: Varietism and Compulsory Monogamy
Varietism takes many forms; I will only describe one of them here. But what all forms have in common is a rejection of monogamy as ideology and as institution. The ideology of monogamy is based on what I call the soap opera paradigm (you might also call it the Hollywood paradigm or the Disney paradigm): the notion that somewhere out there your perfect complement awaits, the person who will fulfill all your desires, and if you can just find each other you'll live happily ever after. I think that's a fairy tale which ends up cheating a lot of people out of a meaningful and successful love life. Challenging such romantic illusions can open up real erotic and emotional possibilities instead of holding us hostage to an impractical myth.The soap opera paradigm is based on two equally implausible and contradictory ideas: That of generalized emotional-erotic scarcity (there's not enough love or lust to go around, so I'd better grab what I can get and hold on to it); and that of complete one-to-one compatibility (one person can satisfy all of my needs and longings, and I'll be able to do the same for him or her, forever).
I propose a more realistic scenario: Sexual desire and emotional satisfaction are dynamic and constantly changing aspects of our lives, and attraction doesn't usually sort itself automatically into neat categories. The prospect that one person will bring universal fulfillment is as unlikely as the prospect that I'll never find any fulfillment at all if I don't ensure that my relationship with him or her is an exclusive one.
Thus varietism seeks to replace an ethos of romantic competition with one of cooperation. Affection and pleasure aren't rare commodities to be carefully guarded; indeed they often multiply when shared. Rejecting the ideology of monogamy does not require giving up on deep and lasting emotional bonds, but simply freeing those powerful connections from an inadequate and inappropriate structure. In the words of lesbian activist Ellen Herman, "This does not mean that love and intimacy would disappear, just that the role of sexuality would be less distorted and scaled to a more realistic size, making chances for sexual and emotional satisfaction much greater."
As misleading as the ideology of monogamy is, it is monogamy as institution that is truly damaging. In fact, the discrepancy between the ideology and the institution is striking: for many people, men in particular, "monogamy" means demanding fidelity from one's partner while violating it oneself when the opportunity arises. This is not surprising given the historical origins of monogamy and the social context within which it operates. Private property and economic acquisitiveness, after all, accord well with a model of romantic possessiveness. And it is difficult to disentangle the institution of monogamy from the sexism, homophobia, and general fear of sexual nonconformity which mark our culture. From this perspective, we might view patriarchy, heterosexism, and compulsory monogamy as one interlocking structure, where each component reinforces the others, to the detriment of us all.
Why do I even worry?
August 16, 2006
Due to aforementioned heartache, I have spent the majority of the day bursting into tears at random intervals. Actually, I have spent much of the past three weeks doing the same and finding any number of things to blame other than the situation which was actually responsible...the situation which I have been suddenly and painfully (but perhaps, thankfully) forced to extricate myself from. And then today, with multiple unrelated events crashing down upon my already unstable little world...It has been a rough month for me, but I am slowly finding clarity and figuring out what lessons to learn. And what to leave behind and what to keep.
In the meantime, I am hurting like fuck. Crying a lot. And trying to deal with parenting through tears.
As always, my children amaze me. Monk, especially. It seems like he is compelled to be his best when I am at my worst. Of course, I feel terribly guilty that they have to witness me in this kind of pain. I want them to think of life and love as joyous events that do not cause suffering. Ever. But, whatever. How freaking unrealistic is that?
So I am trying to explain the best way I know how, and the simplest. "Someone I care about a great deal has hurt me a great deal. Which sometimes happens. And I have to decide whether I want to keep that person in my life and keep myself open to possibly being hurt some more, or lose that person and miss out on all of the wonderful things about this person just so I won't have to hurt anymore."
Because sometimes hurt is part of caring. I don't care what anyone else says. I am willing to accept that loving some people presents painful challenges. And I am often up for those challenges, but not when I am hurt more than I am loved. Unfortunately, it is up to me to decide that, and I am in no position to be making decisions about such things right now. hahaha.
At any rate, the children are so sweet in their ways as I navigate this. It can be difficult to be in such close proximity with other people while I am trying to work through a significant amount of pain. And the pain does not only spring from current events in my life, but also from all of the residual pain from the past that the present is triggering. Not the least of which is the pain of watching my mother endure pain, and witnessing her depression and sadness, and feeling absolutely helpless in the face of it. So it can be difficult for me to receive consolation from my boys, even though I kind of need it.
Today, flopped on my bed, Monk put his arm around me and told me for the nine zillionth time that I am a great mom. He told me he understood I am having a hard time, and that I shouldn't worry about him feeling sad because of it. He understands what I am going through. How on earth he understands, I do not know...but I will have to take his word for it.
Getting ready to go, I asked Monk "Do I look just awful? Like I have been crying all day?" The child guffawed and looked askance, knowing way better than to answer. I laughed. I was like "You know, Monk, wow. You sure can recognize a loaded question when you hear one."
In the car on the way to pick up his brother, he said it again. "You are a great mom, mom." I replied "I don't feel like such a great mom" as I burst into tears again. "Mom, right now it doesn't matter how YOU feel. Right now it is important that you know how *I* feel."
This, of course, only served to make me cry harder.
Later, holding his hand, I asked him "How on earth did you get so wise, son?"
"You really don't know the answer to that question, mom?"
"No. I honestly don't."
And the child who beat me at Mancala twice today - and has beat me at chess in less than 4 moves - told me "I got it from you."
My sweet boys.
In the car on the way home, Coley in his offhandedly metaphoric fashion, started thanking his entire immune system.
"Thank you white blood cells, and thank you red blood cells, and thank you..."
"Coley, what are you doing?" I ask.
"I am thanking my body, because it always knows just what to do to heal."
Again with the tears. Pouring down my cheeks. What did I do to deserve such wonderful boys?
"I sure hope to hell I deserve you guys." I cried.
"Oh, mom. You do. You deserve us and more." said my wise son.
"yeah" said my sillysweet poet son.
And, you know what? I guess I do.
I may not have ever had a decent model of what to expect from a man in my life, so I might as well start paying attention to the boys I have raised, and looking for the same amount of kindness, stark love, and empathy in the men I fall in love with that I have miraculously managed to instill in the boys I birthed.
A Chat with a friend...
August 1, 2006
I want to talk a bit later about love anarchy, and breaking free of the societal bullshit that surrounds love relationships. Or attempting to. Or at least figuring out whether or not it's possible. But right now, all I have time to do is post this precursor to that upcoming post in the form of a snippet of a chat I had today with a dear, sweet friend:
me: I just want to love people without limitation and expectation.
friend: imagine!
me: beyond, you know, being civil and honest.
friend: oh, I remember now. you're a radical.
;)
me: I know!
friend: you're like a love-ist.
me: I am!
friend: there's got to be a better term for it.
me: gah.
anarchist.
love anarchy.
friend: yeah!
We went on to discuss more about the difficulty inherent in restructuring our ideas and ideals about love. And determining our true nature vs. bullshit programming:
me: I want to unlearn all of this jealousy and possessiveness.
It makes no sense right now, because I really don't want to be possessed.
Truly.
friend: yeah
me: Even if I am only dating one guy.
friend: it's such a complicated area
me: Yeah.
friend: I have some similar feelings[...]I don't know if it's "who I really am" or just really pervasive programming or both.
but it seems to be the way I am now and I don't know if it's changeable
or worth the effort it would take to change
me: yeah.
oh, yeah.
I mean, that is why it is so hard.
Because I frequently just think "Why struggle? Why not just give in?"
And then everyone is telling me that I am "worth" having someone who adores me.
Why is my worth all wrapped up in snagging one man?
and making him adore me?
Why can't everyone adore everyone?
but I mean...it's complicated.
Because...meh. What happens when I decide settling down with one person is what I want?
That is a decision that is forseeable, too.
I don't know. I just want to try things out.
And see where they take me.
friend: well, I hear you.
me: I want something different from what I have had.
****
So, yeah. I want to come back to this. My brain is too addled right now to form a complete thought & I am not even really sure where this is taking me...but it is a consistent theme in my life. It has been since my marriage started dissolving and I really started questioning the pressure I was feeling to "pair bond" vs. my normal way of just being in love with everyone. It seems like I used to be able to solve that issue by not having sex with anyone, because sex is what makes it all messy for me. But I don't want to live the rest of my life without sex. So, where does that leave me? I am not sure. I guess I will find out.
Should I order cyanide, or order champagne?
July 28, 2006
When the kids are around, we call this "Dance Party USA" - basically, playing music loud and running around cleaning up the house.
Right now, I'm listening to a warbly old tape recording of the Beatles' White Album. No...now it's The Pixies - Surfer Rosa. And the kids aren't around. I wish my cassettes weren't all fucked up like this. This album kicks ass. Your bones got a little machine!
You're so pretty when you're faithful to me!
But, anyway...that's not why I'm writing this post at 8:30 on a Friday night when I have no excuse to be at home because the kids are BOTH at a slumber party except that I really fucking need to clean the house, so I ordered a pizza and am now dancing around trying to get stuff done in the most roundabout way possible.
But, still...that is not why I am sitting here tawkin' atchya. The thing is. I was wondering. How come is it that when I fall in love with someone. When I finally make that decision, or when that decision finally makes me, to just surrender completely and stand to face that oncoming train with open-handed arms extended at but away from my sides and my head turned to one side but one eye steadfastly fixed on that one grimglorious headlamp. Chest heaving. Thumping. Fluttering like gills in this liquid eternity.
Why is it that when I am there and feeling the most beautiful feelings I can imagine and at the same time mourning the one day loss of these feelings because, really, isn't that inevitable with all love...Why is it that tying myself to these tracks again and allowing myself to let go and let go and let go of my fear...Why is it...why is it...why is it that meeting that diesel head on and splitting soundless like smoke always. ALWAYS. always makes me just say..."Ah Fuck."
"I got a broken face! uh huh!"
(Gigantic. My big big love.)
It ain't about who you love...
July 11, 2006
So, I have been sitting around a lot lately and thinking about this concept of love. Love, which lately clogs my ability to write in linear terms and opens up arteries of sheer blood poetical theatrics in my paper journal. Love, which drives me crazy and keeps me sane. Love, which binds me in shackles and causes me to burst forth, warbling liberty! Liberty!
And the funniest thing about love as it exists in my life today is that I can trace the origins back to disappointment and loss. I lost a friend, and at the time that it happened, I thought to myself "Well, this certainly sucks, but I guess now that I no longer have this person in my life, I am open to someone new." I was compelled to seek those people out, and I am delighted with what I have found. From every angle. And it is not right to compare, but I have to say that all things considered, I have come out way ahead in the deal.
However, I fear that all of this makes for very crappy blogging. Couple that with the fact that I just can't even seem to get into READING blogs lately, what with all of the constant arguing and bickering and sarcasm that I used to find so fun and now just can't bear to fucking cast my eyes upon, and you have the makings of a hiatus. Possibly a long one. Well, crap...things have been hiatusish around here for some time anyway. I just feel overexposed and underunderstood in this venue. Or, at least, unable to make myself understand...which has nothing at all to do with the audience and everything to do with the abstractness of my life right now.
So, I hope everyone is doing well. I will send little messages in this blog bottle on occasion while I am sorting everything out. Trust that I am soaring. Enjoying life.
Love chaos
June 18, 2006
I keep going back to this ridiculous notion that people keep wanting to put forward to me (and perhaps that I keep going back to in my own conditioned response to reality) that you can somehow predict the outcome of love. That if you “choose†to love someone with (or without) certain characteristics, you can somehow be assured of safety. Yet all that I have experienced in my life proves the opposite. People are surprising…delightfully so. And anyway, that is the whole point of love, isn’t it? To reveal some hidden inner truth in another person that maybe no one else has ever been able to reveal. Certainly that is never predictable, and if it was, I wouldn’t want it. If I wanted a predictable high, I would just do a bunch of drugs. No. I love chaos, and love is chaos. Full on. Delicious. Chaos.
Yum!
Oh Thank You, Sister Novena!
April 17, 2006
Yes! this is EXACTLY what I'm talking about:
My friends are the most important people in the world to me -- I love my friends, I adore them, I would do anything in the world to contribute to their happiness. To be honest, I can be a lot more ardent about my friends than I sometimes am about my romantic relationships. According to a mindset that only recognizes couples and not-couples, that kind of affection makes no sense; it's the mindset that produces phrases like "just friends." I can't even comprehend "just" friends -- you can't get any closer to me than friendship. Who needs a boyfriend when you've got half a dozen real friends? Now, if one comes along, that's great; I'm not against the idea. But if he doesn't, my sense of self-worth remains intact. I am whole the way I am.
I love it! And, yes...there's room for romantic entanglements at some point, but I really find myself wishing to avoid them entirely right now. Not out of fear, but out of...well...apathy. For awhile there, I was feeling like it would be really nice to find a friend to snuggle with at night, but now that it's SO FUCKING HOT outside, that desire is quickly dissipating, as well.
Yay! I want to write more about this! Surely there are more out there! Let's start a revolution! Let's redefine relationships!
Chaotic Collective Cacophony
April 9, 2006
Anyone who reads this blog with extreme regularity might have heard me mention a song called "Hope" by the Dirty Three. I mention it a lot, and I play it even more than I mention it. I've never quoted the lyrics, because it has none. The song consists of sparse drums and guitar, and rich strings, and one lone caterwauling stringed instrument that sounds like it's being bowed by a metal ruler.
In all of this talk lately about harmony, and different voices/many voices, which was the sermon today at the UU church, this song comes to mind. I think I finally understand why I love it so much, and, too, why I have been a fan of caterwauling, disharmonious music throughout my life.
That reason is...Fuck Harmony. Like the screeching strings in Hope and Nick Cave's plaintive wails in any Birthday Party song, my affinity lies in those who refuse to harmonize with everyone else. Why would I insist on harmony from others when I so rarely can muster the wherewithal to live in sync with myself? There are times when I, too, rise like the squeal of the misbowed violin, only to fall like the calm and gentle guitar. What's so great about "Hope" is that it's always sandwiched between these incredibly anchored atmospheric pieces that breathe music in and out like the winds that breathe in and out the tide...or more profoundly, like the gravity that perpetuates it.
Instead of longing for an unachievable state of harmony, why not embrace the din? The din of other voices, and that of my own voice, telling me fifty different ways to do the right thing at any moment. My thoughts like a zoetrope, spinning in seeming disconnection and only when it gets spinning fast enough does the picture become whole and unified...and yet there is beauty in those fragmented, still images. There is a strange sort of harmony in that disconnection, like guitars and violins - making combinations of things previously discombobulated. This puzzle I am trying to put together, and all my missing pieces - this puzzle we all are trying to put together, and all our missing pieces. We fill them in with light, air, waves, mist, rocks. We yell in different keys, we sing softly out of tune, we drift, and we return...and in the midst of all of the chaotic collective cacophony, we may find bits of melody to string into a song, or we may seek comfort in the tangible disarray around us which reflects that within, or we may sit in silence, humming with life.
There is no reason for you to hide.
April 8, 2006
The Dirty Three were again my walking companions last night as, after a day of deep thought and an evening of solitude in public spaces, I set about trying to process all of the thoughts that kept popping up throughout it all.
Seeing that myspace page of an ex-boyfriend and that quote by Tish about how we are all just doing the best we can and all of the other external but equally juxtapositional ideas and input I had been receiving all day was making me wonder about where I am, where I want to be, and, I guess, ultimately what is safe for me in terms of rectifying some of the current disharmony in my life.
What got to me about the ex's interpretation of our relationship was not that he felt angry and depressed about the relationship as it was happening. It was a pretty depressing relationship! But that in the ensuing years...all 15 or so of them...he did not once stop to think that perhaps there was something external to him that was driving that depression. And what's ultimately important about that is how it corresponds with the way *I* am living my life now that might be equally blindered and unforgiving of those who have injured me in the past - those who I perhaps feel a legitimate resentment or anger for...and whether or not I need to let go of those feelings.
And that's where we come up against the issue of safety. Because I can honestly analyze my relationship with that particular ex, and I see no reason why it would have been unsafe for him to approach me and attempt to deconstruct that relationship at any time. I had no power over him. I might have been an insane, workaholic, jealous, dissatisfied person, but I wasn't abusive. He was free to leave at any time - we had no ties to bind us together, and in deconstructing things - we have no current ties.
But, really, this has nothing to do whatsoever with that relationship. That person is clearly not interested in approaching the past with an attitude of forgiveness in the interest of self-improvement. In the present, however, I have at least one relationship that hangs in this strange limbo of discommunication. It's an important relationship. Perhaps the most important relationship in my life thus far. And in thinking about grudges and resentment and the power of forgiveness and the concept of "doing the best we can" I couldn't help but think about that relationship. Is it safe for me to untie that box again? What kinds of things might pop out of I do so? And what will remain contained?
I think the thing is that in order to mend those rifts, there needs to be absolute honesty. And how is honesty achieved when there is so much pain and suspicion? Am I capable of it? Is the other person? And, if so, am I capable of trusting the other person to BE honest...or will I just assume it is more of the same power/abuse dynamic that has ruled our relationship for many, many years now - even in silence.
This would be easy to drop if it weren't for other people who are waiting for this to be resolved. People for whom resolution would mean a lot more harmony and happiness in their lives. People for whom I want to set an example of forgiveness and love, but also for whom I do not want to set an example of two people yet again mistreating each other. And it's again...I run up against the issue of safety for myself, as well as for these other people.
So, I'm still thinking about it all. It's like my brain and soul are trying desperately to find the puzzle pieces that will make the picture clearer, and I'm having no success, so I'm staring hard at the picture, missing pieces and all, and trying to figure out what it all means. I don't have the answer. I don't have any of the answers. And yet, somehow...I know I have all of the answers.
Down By The River
Neil Young (as interpreted by the Dirty Three, accompanied by Low - it's an amazing fucking song)
Be on my side,
I'll be on your side,
baby
There is no reason
for you to hide
It's so hard for me
staying here all alone
When you could be
taking me for a ride.
Yeah, she could drag me
over the rainbow,
send me away
Down by the river
I shot my baby
Down by the river,
Dead, oh, shot her dead.
You take my hand,
I'll take your hand
Together we may get away
This much madness
is too much sorrow
It's impossible
to make it today.
Yeah, she could drag me
over the rainbow,
send me away
Down by the river
I shot my baby
Down by the river,
Dead, oh, shot her dead.
Be on my side,
I'll be on your side,
baby
There is no reason
for you to hide
It's so hard for me
staying here all alone
When you could be
taking me for a ride.
Yeah, she could drag me
over the rainbow,
send me away
Down by the river
I shot my baby
Down by the river,
Dead, oh, shot her dead.
The origins of things
March 30, 2006
I suddenly find myself nursing the most healthy addiction of all.
Hello, my name is Lainie, and I am addicted to interaction.
Last night, yet again, I walked into my living room, set to give the dog her long-overdue walk. And there was Rachel. Rachel, the wonderful distraction. Rachel, with whom I have spent the past month engaged in some of the most wonderful, revealing, heart-wrending, open, honest discussions. I feel replenished. And I'm sad that she is leaving in a few short days.
So, we talked. Fuck the walk. The dog lay on the couch and sighed and sighed. I felt bad, but, like I said, I'm addicted to interaction.
Also, I have initiated a couple of nice little email exchanges that are very gratifying to me. Email is another vice of mine - only sometimes I feel like I am foisting my emails on people because, well, I *do* go on and on, if encouraged...and sometimes even if not encouraged. I seem to have made at least one friend who loves to send and receive emails, and I am enjoying it a great deal. Silly, sweet, stupid, charming little exchanges several times a day. Yes. Oh yes. It's like a writer's wet dream! Here, you can have this! I wasn't using it anyway! And you are giving me something in return? How nice!
So, anyway, the origins of things. Last night, the conversation with Rachel twisted and turned and convoluted itself right back to the origins of this...thing...I have where I am constantly drawing a certain personality type into my life. Yes. I am familiar - Quite familiar - with my relationship patterns and where they originate. I am also pleased to note that I am recognizing myself in those patterns as I fall into the groove. Soon enough to stay detached from the outcome, and yet, somehow I've managed to not become jaded by my own idiocy.
It's nice. I feel whole. And I feel like I have something genuine to offer to a conversation, rather than glib speculation or advice I read in a book. I also feel fully present, and fully accepting of what is being offered to me in the moment. Knowing how my interactions with my family have effected me in the present, I also feel like I can participate in at least recognizing and acknowledging how those same patterns play out with my children.
Yesterday, I heard Monk talking to Coley in a harsh tone. I walked out, and they were both in tears. Coley had stepped on Monk's hand, and Monk was lecturing Coley about how he NEVER is careful. There was anger and hurt in their tone with each other. Practicing my newfound art of emotion coach, I told Monk that I was sorry that he was hurt, but that I wanted to see him talking to Coley about his feelings in the present, rather than using the words never or always with regard to Coley's behavior (of course, Monk...with a sly smile...tried to say "not ever" instead, but he quickly got that it was the same thing.) And then I asked him "I know you were hurt by Coley, but does it make you feel better to make Coley feel hurt, also?" I was pleased that his answer was no. But he had already carried his lecture to the point where Coley was feeling a bit enraged, so there was a moment where Coley had to compose himself. "Mom," said Monk..".I KNOW that look on his face! He's GOING to hit me!" Monk locked himself in the bathroom while Coley released some anger by yelling, not hitting. And I held Coley for awhile and it only took a moment - long enough for me to say "I know you will feel bad about yourself it you hit someone." and the rage turned to regret and sadness, and Coley was ready to make amends with Monk.
I don't know if I'm conveying it clearly here, because I'm running late for my thingy today, but it was actually a really monumental moment. The boys were both very clear about their feelings, and they both responded so well to being reasoned with, empathized with, and yet still held to a standard of expression that is acceptable. I was so proud of them, and of me.
So, all of this examining. All of this talking, and hashing out. All of my fucking up and trying again and fucking up again and trying again again...it's all got a point. The origins might be disordered and painful, but where it's leading is ordered, free, and totally healthy.
"While looking for the light, you may suddenly be devoured by darkness and find the True Light." - Jack Kerouac
Distant Shore
March 23, 2006
My late night walk was prematurely aborted by a battery outage in my old fashioned walkman. I was all loaded up with Dirty Three tunes and, damn the rain and the cold, I was going to take a walk.
However, halfway through the park, my newly-charged batteries died. And I said to the dog. To the deaf dog, no less. I said "No way am I going to go on this walk now. It's too wet, and it's not...musicy enough."
So we came home, and now I'm listening to Dirty three on the computer. I'll probably go to sleep to Dirty Three. I think I need to find a nice person to lay and cuddle with on a cold rainy night, listening to Dirty Three.
I had an essay written about all of the nice boys I have cuddled with in my lifetime. Boys who didn't question why there was only cuddling and no sex. At the time, I don't know if I could have explained if they did question. I know why now, though. I know that I spent most of my teen years trying to find a way to feel safe with boys. It was a totally healthy thing for me to do, and I'm thankful...so thankful for the wisdom of the teenage me for finding nice boys to cuddle with. Nice boys who didn't demand sex or even ask for it. Nice boys who didn't question my honesty or my sincerity. I didn't publish that essay because I ended up talking about some things...some reasons for why I'm feeling a need to find that non-sexual safety again...and I'm just not ready to talk about them. But I acknowledge them, and I guess I'm the only one who matters. Finding men to cuddle with presents way more of a challenge than finding boys to cuddle with ever did. There's a perfect balance of attraction and non-attraction required. And a lot of trust. And the ability to communicate. And I'm finding those things to be quite rare.
Rachel and I had a nice conversation tonight about relationships and disconnection and feeling out of place and how much things change and how difficult it is to find a community and being a freak. I'm growing more and more frustrated with the concept of pair bonding and how isolating it is. Standing on the outside of it, I experience the frustration in a different way. Like I want to have a megaphone up against the window that separates me from my pair-bonded friends and shout "This is ALL WRONG! You are TOTALLY MISSING OUT!" At the very least, I don't ever want to get into another relationship unless I am certain that I can remain open to everyone else. Beyond the surface. Open to the entire depth and breadth of knowing people - even if there are just a few people on earth remaining who are able to BE open. Even if, in the end, it really fucking hurts to have laid myself open like that.
The funny thing is that I'm all for sexual monogamy, but I think I had it right when I was a teenager and shunned sex altogether. Sex is great, but until we can figure out how to have sex with each other without cordoning ourselves off into these tiny little isolated islands of emotional intimacy, we are basically all fucked. Hahaha. Pardon the pun.
I've been perusing Craig's List lately. I'm seriously considering placing a personal ad looking for someone who will come and play cards with me, or board games, or watch movies after the kids go to bed once or twice a week. Something mellow. Something totally platonic. Something that is very clearly defined. I'm seeking safety. For now, I have Rachel here, and can enjoy being diverted from my late night walk to talk about stuff, but soon she will be gone and this house will be yawning and empty - until I find a housemate.
Perhaps that's a good thing. My recent attempt at healing a huge wound through non-sexual intimacy with someone who I felt totally safe with, someone who I thought met that "perfect balance" criteria, has failed miserably - to the point where now I have to heal from the attempt at healing. You know? How much do I really want to compound this?
I want to hear the song "Hope" because it describes how I feel. Certainly, at some point, humanity will find the answer. At some point, I will find the answer. I won't be always standing at the window. I won't be always unceremoniously crashing through. I will find that safe place. That safe person. Those safe people. That balance. And I will lay a foundation and rebuild.
Again.
"If you assume there is no hope, you guarantee there will be no hope." -Noam Chomsky
[I made some random edits to this post the morning after I wrote it. It just needed to be fleshed out a bit.]
Time Jesum Transeuntum Et Non Rivertentum
Artist: Nick Cave and the Dirty Three
We were called to the forest... when we went down.
A wind blew warm and eloquent
We were searching for the secrets of the universe...
And we rounded up demons and forced them to tell us what it all meant
We tied 'em to trees and broke them down one by one
And on a scrap of paper, they wrote these words...
And as we read them, the sun broke through the trees...
"Dread the passage of Jesus, for he will not return."
Then we headed back to our world and left the forest behind...
Our hearts singin' with all the knowledge of love.
Then somewhere, somehow, we lost the message along the way...
And when we got home, we bought ourselves a house.
And we bought a car that we did not use...
And we bought a cage and two singing birds...
And at night we'd sit and listen to the canary's song.
For we'd both run right out of words...
Now the stars, they are all angled wrong...
And the sun and the moon refuse to burn
But I remember a message in a demon's hand
Dread the passage of Jesus for he does not return...
...he does not return...
...he does not return...
Bill Hicks says it better than I ever could...
March 17, 2006
"Here's my point folks, in the blink of an eye: we can have Heaven on Earth - it's a choice, that's all it is... You can look through the eyes of fear, you can look through the eyes of love, it's the only two ways to look. The eyes of fear is insanity, it's not really there, the eyes of love are the only real eyes. Bing. Go. Bing fucking go. Heaven on Earth right now if you want it. [beat] (Right now.) It's a choice! To look through the eyes of love instead of the eyes of fear, just once." -Bill HIcks
I lose nothing in this attempt.
March 10, 2006
I'm at a point now in a stand-off with a friend where I'm like "Holy cats, dude, this is ridiculous!" And it's kind of making me laugh, because I think I've been in this person's shoes before, where it's clear that I'm, like, upset about something. Probably with good reason. And now, I'm also in the other person's shoes, where I'm like - totally not feeling any hate for this person and totally ready to just playfully cuff him upside the back of the head and puppydog him into mutual forgiveness and, you know, moving forward and continuing to figure out this really groovy sort of friendship/soul siblinghood I thought we were working on.
And it's frustrating, because I'm seeing both sides, and all I want to do is hug this person and say "Dude, you might be right, but you are being a big dummy." Because, really, I'm a fucking good friend. And this all is pretty silly. And I'm worth forgiving, and so is he.
I think maybe he might be thinking he's in some sort of fortress, either of self-righteousness or self-doubt...and maybe I'm like the BATF coming to burn the place down, or maybe play loud annoying rock music to flush him out. But really I'm just yawning outside the door with a wilty daisy in my hand, waiting patiently for him to come out. Tapping my toe a little bit. Maybe I'm listening to music on my Walkman that I know he won't like, and grinning because I know just exactly what he would have to say about it, too. And, oh I love him. So much. But, dude...trust me...Not THAT way. The way I love him is WAY better than THAT way.
Hellllloooooooooo! You can come out now! It's safe! I miss you! Come play with meeeeeeeeeee!!!!
Hahahahahaha. See, this is a lot nicer than the post I made earlier...but it's the same sentiment. Maybe less funny, but equally true.
How we connect
Dog Faced Hermans
I hover - you stutter - we miss - and crash.
The mystery lies in the space between us.
My tongue gibbers but in your language.
It's a miracle thing - godsake - how we connect
Fact of life is a fact of distance
Poverty lies in the space between us
Mystery lies in the space between us
I make sound which approaches language
Make my tongue a physical one
Fact of life is a fact of closeness
I lose nothing in this attempt
Healing.
February 27, 2006
I should say that I spent most of Saturday morning in bed crying my eyes out quietly. I say this as my roommates move out. It's releasing a flood of emotion. Not due to anything having really anything to do with them, but having to do with all that I've been holding in as a result of having people sharing this house with me. In a way, it's good - because I do love the Allison family enough to feel OK with having been somewhat of a scared bunny rabbit while they were here. I feel like we can easily enough mend whatever that resulted in. I already am feeling more open to all of them now that they are going. The trick is to maintain that openness and to not fall back again when someone else moves in.
So, anyway, crying my eyes out. What I was doing was remembering a lot of pain. I was fully realizing how much denial I was in during the 3 years I lived here with a silently abusive partner. I was remembering what it caused in my spirit. I remember resigning myself to that. I remember feeling like it didn't really effect me - like I was bullet-proof - as long as I acknowledged that it was reality. Like "as long as I'm aware that this is a fucked up situation, I won't get fucked up by it." Which is sort of like standing on a railroad track, saying "As long as I'm aware that train is coming down the track at me, I won't get fucking smeared by it!" It sounds silly now, but I did it.
I can't explain to anyone what it was like to live in this house for those three years. What I can say is that I understand and accept now what it did to my heart. Around the middle of that time, I decided that love didn't exist. that I could just stay in that situation because all love is painful, so why should I leave behind the familiar pain of the love I had learned to cope with for the minute possibility that I might find love that was slightly less painful?
And, the truth of the matter is that all love IS painful. But not always. It requires a lot, but it gives back whatever you put in. Perhaps not in the same currency, but at least the same value. I'm just now finding my way back to a place where I can extend my love without fear, and it's scary as shit. I'm not just talking about romantic love, I am talking about any kind of relationship that requires/inspires any amount of depth or intimacy. I don't have a roadmap to guide me on my particular journey. I just have to make it up as I go along, and be honest, and insist on integrity and freedom.
I'm not perfect, but I'm trying. I'm putting myself forward. That's the only way out of this place.
Sound system gonna bring me back up...
February 27, 2006
So, I guess I've broken though. There's nothing like anarchism love is free. There's nothing like having/taking time to sit with people and express honestly how you feel about you, them, the universe, and everything - and feel totally heard and totally not reacted to and totally responded to - even if it's painful to some degree. There's nothing like feeling like real love is more than physical bodies colliding. Like there is no such thing as unrequited provided there is honesty and emotion. There is nothing like that. Nothing. I can't feel bad about anything because I have everything I need. And you don't need to feel bad, either...because I can give you everything you want without feeling...unrequited.
and you, too. And you. Thank you.
The trick is to take this practice, and expand it to everyone. Take it beyond the two or three people I feel safe with, and allow myself to really fully love everyone. It is my form of activism. It's also the only way I know how to really live.
Operation Ivy - Sound System
(Chorus)
Sound System gonna bring me back up
One thing that I can depend on.
Try to describe it as a limit of my ability;
It's there for a second
Then it's given up what it used to be.
Contained in music somehow more than just sound,
This inspiration coming and twisting things around
Because you always know that it's gonna have to go.
You always know that you'll be back in the cold.
Point of departure sublimated in a song
It's always coming to give me that hope
for just a second then it's gone but!
(Chorus)
Static pulse inside of music bringing us escape.
It's always temporary, changing nothing in it's wake...
Just a second where we're leaving all this shit behind.
Just a second but it's leaving just this much in mind:
To resist despair, the second makes you see...
To resist despair, because you can't change everything...
To resist despair, in this world is what it is to be free.
(Chorus)
Wake up turn my box on,
Bust the shade, let the sun in.
Times getting tougher 'bout time to start runnin'
Box in my hand music by my side,
Skankin' to the rhythm of the music by my side.
Some Thoughts.
February 25, 2006
I recently had a heated discussion with a friend of mine about...well, I thought it was about power dynamics in relationships based on age and experience & I think my friend might have thought I was just harping about something more specific - which might have also been true and, admittedly, I didn't approach the conversation in the most open-minded, open-hearted way.
However, something occurred to me in the wake of that conversation. Actually, amazingly, it's some wisdom that L (the ex) once used to share with me about "equality." He used to constantly tell me that I wasn't relating to him as an equal, and without that equal relationship, we had no foundation on which to build.
Now, I take that with a grain of salt in the context it was spoken. I don't feel that my inability to relate to L has an equal was really my fault. However, they are very wise words indeed. My first reaction to remembering this in relation to the conversation I was having with my friend was, of course, to feel self-satisfied! See! I was right! He can't possibly build a relationship with someone who is so clearly not his equal!
However, in examining further, as is almost always the case, I realized that I needed to turn my smug self-satisfaction around. Whether or not it's true that it applies in my friend's situation, I have no business dictating to him what he should and shouldn't do. I can provide him with my opinion, and I can offer him my support...but, in fact, what I was doing was creating an unequal relationship by condescending to him and engaging in sarcasm and, well, meanness. Even if it was, somewhat, all in fun - the end result (and perhaps the subconscious purpose) was for me to create inequality in our relationship.
I think I do this (perhaps we all do this) out of fear. If you create inequality, you limit the relationship. For instance, in this particular relationship, I was acting in the role of mother...which is funny because, as my friend pointed out, I was treating him like a child while at the same time telling him to grow up! This isn't productive at all. And it's self-protective, as well as self-perpetuating. How often have I felt frustrated by my role of mother in this and other relationships? And how often has my need to create inequality put me in that position? And what am I avoiding or sublimating by creating that inequality? How often do I use this tool to avoid being fully present in my other relationships? How does it limit me? What do I gain by it? Do I need to stop doing it, or just be aware when I am doing it...and apply it only to situations where it is necessary?
Private Journal entry, January 21, 2006
February 24, 2006
1/21/2006 9:45 AM
It's funny -
You don't realize
how broken you are
Until you start to heal
And then -
Oh fuck!
I'm so broken!
******
The book I am reading talks about the pre-literate social role of women before the taint (I can't fucking say that word anymore without thinking about the Daily Show Taintstravaganza!) of heirarchical societies. It talks about women as source, not only of life, but of unself-conscious love. Love without the need for reciprocity. Unconditional. Whereas a man's love became rooted in a complex system of procreation (with a spouse) and reward for "right" behavior (with a child &, I guess, a spouse as well.)
Could it be that societies break down when we begin to question whether or not we are lovable - and whether or not others are worthy of our love? Just how much are our interactions with others totally subverted by our membership in civil society?
It makes me frustrated AND it makes me thankful that there seems to be unbounded love in my life. I am thankful for any opportunity to love without fear and to love without condition. I feel like I need to cultivate that - I need to find a way to suffuse that love. An absolute anarchic diffusion of love and appreciation for everyone who is part of my life and the universe at large.
Onward and Upward - I'm off to find love
January 5, 2006
You know...every once in awhile, I need to re-read this post. Today is one of those days. I need to be reminded that love is scary and love is good. And part of the reason love is so good is BECAUSE it's so scary. I think I'm hiding from love. This is not a good thing. It's a defense mechanism. It keeps me from getting hurt, but it can keep me from...the opposite of getting hurt.
Listen up, you grain-fed honky dickweeds - not just you, WW, but every fucking honky out there needs to hear this. We're not alive for very long. Have you noticed this, dickcheeses? We do not have all the fucking time in the world to draw up cost-benefit analyses on potential long-term pairings. If you're not swept the fuck away by your lady, move the fuck on. If you're not gritting your teeth and biting the palm of your hand like goddamn Squiggy every time she walks by, get over it. If you're not having the best sex of your life - and this is when you do that, dummies, in your mid-fucking-thirties, this is your big fucking shot at great sex, or at least this is where it starts - if you're not blown away, freaking out, breaking out, thrilled, shivery, talking a lot, sending stupid fucking emails to each other, rolling around, sighing, bragging, buying dumb little gifts - then how do you think you'll feel in a few years when you're fucking old and creaky and you have three little doo-doo factories in residence? You fucking dumbass honky-ass losers.
Freedom.
December 28, 2005
I've been wandering around at night lately, filled with love and freedom. I think it just recently struck me. Hard. That I am a single woman. And I think my thinking about what it means to be a single mother contemplating "what happens next" on the relationship front has evolved slightly.
I'm pretty sure this time last year...or even like 4 or 5 months ago...I had this crazy idea that I had a responsibility to weigh all potential relationships with men on a scale of parenthood. In other words, every conversation, every crush, every interaction with a potential love interest had to be viewed through the lens of "Will this relationship last FOREVER."
Because we are sold on this idea that all relationships need to last forever to be healthy. I think I'm beginning to understand that this is totally not true and is, in fact, counter-productive...and possibly oppressive, not to mention an impossible ideal to achieve...and, actually, not my ideal at all. We are sold this idea that transition is unhealthy for children. That they can't bear to see their mothers get involved in relationships with multiple men. I call bullshit on that, too. If it's true (and I think it is) that most relationships are transient in nature (with a few very special exceptions) isn't it best to help the children understand that people can come and go and it shouldn't interfere with your perception of love and giving and sharing.
Here's my deal. My mom...never remarried. She barely even dated, as far as I saw. And as much as I hear my friends who are children of divorced parents complain about having to deal with new men in their lives all of the time (and I fully admit that there is a point where it becomes excessive and that, of course, any new person brought into the life of a child should be safe for the child) I think it really hurt me, also, to witness my mom close off a huge part of who she is for...I don't even know what purpose. Perhaps she thought she was sparing me? Perhaps she really did just give up on men (and, based on her experiences, I can't say I blame her, although...I tend to wish she had chosen a more healthy path for her own sake as much as mine.) And for that reason, I don't feel like the other end of the "bringing new men into the lives of the children" is any more acceptable than the other.
What I have gleefully decided is that I am healthy, and because I am healthy, I can count on myself to make healthy choices about who is and is not in the lives of my children. I think at some point, too, I got caught up in this idea that I need to carefully consider my entire future before I give my time to any man...well, any PERSON, really & not waste time with anyone who doesn't fulfill some sort of utilitarian purpose in my life. I cringe to think I actually have said that out loud without even thinking how cruel it is. Superfluous friends are the best! And, anyway, every relationship fulfills a purpose of one sort or other, whether it's directly utilitarian or more esoteric.
Then there is this idea that all relationships need to fit into neat little well-defined boxes. I am having the best time with smashing those boxes lately. My friend David is a perfect example. It has been many many years since I have so utterly adored a man who can make me laugh and smile and think deep thoughts and totally silly thoughts and who is attractive and sweet and kind and wise, and sometimes insanely inappropriate, immature, and outrageous and who I don't feel any need whatsoever to put my hooks into. I have a giant crush on him, and every time I see him I approach him with my arms out like a big monster and/but as soon as my shadow looms over him, I realize how silly everything is, and I just end up patting him on the head rather than smothering him because he is David and I love to watch him unfold. I was thinking about that today, actually. About how huge my love for David is, and why isn't there any angst? And it's because I have absolutely no expectation or need for him to hold up my ego. I just enjoy the hell out of witnessing him moving about the world. He gives me hope. I think everyone should have a David in their life. I've been blessed with many of them along the way. This David is one of my favorites, though. And the coolest part is that I would never be able to fully appreciate David if I was in a relationship right now.
Isn't that funny? It's because of my freedom from love that I can feel so free to Love.
Getting What I Want.
November 25, 2005
I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately...and the being in between of them. That space between is such a sacred place. Like the space between breaths. I haven't yet reached the euphoric realization that anything is possible...that limitlessness of knowing that I am unchained. While I am working on keeping myself solid & assessing and correcting my damage, I haven't yet put my thoughts into the context of who I am in a relationship. But last night, while I was talking to Susan and David, something clicked. First, I realized I said something totally insensitive and rude about relationships with 20-somethings in a room where I was the only person who was NOT a 20-something (&, thinking about it, I meant it in that conspiratorial "Oh, you're some of the GOOD 20-something's" way, & I'm sure that only made it worse. But it's true I forget with them. Susan is so...well, Susan. She's smart, she's analytical, and she's ageless. David is probably one of the most mature men that I know, at least in terms of earnestness (and, damnit, I respect the hell out of earnestness) - and I know plenty of men who are older than him - and yet he is sweet and playful and...also ageless.)
So, there are a couple of things I figured out I need to work on. For one thing, I *still* need to learn to keep my mouth shut when I'm tempted to talk shit. For another, and this is the direct result of a conversation I had with D in which he was talking about how we can't really affect change in others or the universe so we have to work on ourselves...I need to realize that working on who I am, and putting myself in temporary periods of isolation is fine, but I can't know if it's working until I put myself into social contexts. In other words, I might not be able to control what other people do, but I need to be with other people - sometimes even potentially emotionally unsafe people - in order to further align who I am with who I want to be. It's great to sit here and feel in love with humanity, but it's not so great when I walk out the door into the fray and am barraged with feelings of anger and frustration towards my fellow humans. Which actually happened the other day when I was out and about doing errands and it seemed like the entire world was conspiring to PISS ME OFF. hahahaha.
& also, I can't walk around being of the opinion that I am somehow "above" relationships. I started to slip recently into thinking that I would be fine if I never got involved romantically and sexually with another person ever again. That I would, instead, focus my energy on strengthening the other relationships in my life and forming new relationships untainted by "all that." Which sounds really noble, but I have slowly been realizing that's just another way that I avoid the responsibility that comes with dealing with those difficult situations that I always get hung up on. That, again, if I avoid the contexts in which I tend to become misaligned, I will never be the person I really want to be. Life in a vaccuum does not provide an adequate representation, nor does it allow me to open myself up to LOVING realignment. Thinking about it that way really exposes the damage in the idea that I can live above romance & sex, as it becomes clear that the romance & sex are not what I'm avoiding so much as the responsibility of being accountable to/for another person...and the reason for that avoidance is based on just plain old fear (both fear of failure in myself, and fear that all beings are NOT, in fact, inherently good...and that somehow I'm going to manage to get myself into a relationship with another person who doesn't have my best interests in mind & heart.)
That said, too, I realized that I can be open to a future relationship and still not be one of these people who is constantly scouting for one. However, knowing that I always fall ass-backwards into relationships...and knowing, too, that I tend to always GET exactly what I WANT (consciously or subconsciously) (which is not to say that I WANTED the bad parts of some of my worst relationships, but I certainly ended up with the people I fixed my sights on, for whatever reason I had decided to fix my sights on them) I need to really think about what I want. Specifically. In a relationship. & I'm not talking about just what the other person will be like or bring, but also what I will be encouraged to develop & what the relationship itself will bring to me.
These thoughts should keep me occupied for the 8 or so hours to and from New Orleans. Maybe I'll even come back with yet another damn list!