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Not a Self-Hating Fat Person - a Rant
April 4, 2006
Dear Person I have to see on a way too regular basis,
Do I LOOK like I care about your diet? I think you look fine the way you are. And, quite frankly, when I eat a carrot, I eat it because I like the way it tastes, not because some dude who will be dead someday (most likely because he is an evil fuck who makes a living perpetuating the beauty myth by selling his bullshit theories that actually result in less health and more sexism) wrote a book that told me carrots will make me Thin and Desirable.
I'm not thin, and I don't give a fuck if you or anyone else desires me.
You are not thin, either, and it makes me sad that you've bought into that bullshit, but telling you that is not my trip, either. When I eat a piece of candy or chocolate cake or greezy cheezy pizza, it's because I like the way it tastes and not because I feel bad about the fact that some narrow-minded ass won't fuck me because I'm too fat for him. Or, hell, because some ass-minded fuck won't even talk to me because I'm too fat. Fuck that shit.
I'm not a self-hating fat person, and I don't want to hear your soft hatred directed at yourself by your constant babble of size-obsessed bullshit, or your soft hatred directed outwards at the other people who also have to unfortunately see you on a way-too-regular basis. And, um, poking someone in the stomach and asking them how they got THAT if they can't even afford dinner is, wow...I mean, I've done and said some pretty crude and rude things in my lifetime, but that really fucking takes the cake. (sorry if that made you hungry.)
Believe it or not, there do exist people in this world who really don't give a fuck about how large they are and how other people perceive their size. I know quite well how I'm perceived. I enjoy experimenting with those perceptions, but in the end, it really doesn't fucking matter to me. So, again, no, I'm not interested in hearing about your diet, or about your fabulous partner who so open-mindedly supports you in your endless desire to be thin and fuckable, just like he likes you. Or, at least, not FAT and UNFUCKABLE...because he hates you that way.
Believe it or not, not everyone hates their body the way you seem to hate yours. Even us fatty fat fatties! So, here...have a carrot. Or a slice of yummy chocolate cake. I don't give a fuck, just as long as you are enjoying it.
Thoughts on the weekend...history, social issues, and my mental/emotional state.
February 19, 2006
I spent the weekend at the Historians Against the War convention at UT, which was kicked of ceremoniously with a brilliant keynote one-two of Andrea Smith and Howard Zinn. I thought both of them gave compelling presentations, and I jotted down copious notes in spite of having to deal with really cramped quarters. At some point, I will share my notes from that keynote and from the rest of the event, but I think I really just want to write about my experience of the event in general.
First of all, DAMN, people are impatient. Including myself. The first person who approached the mic for Q&A rambled on a bit about the lovely performance activism she is doing, and within a minute, the audience was telling her to get to the point, in a not very nice way. I felt myself feeling the same way - and it happened multiple times throughout the weekend. By the 3rd or 4th time I really began to grow uncomfortable with the whole method of mob silencing that was happening & I was pleased when some with louder voices would counteract the "Shut up and ask a question" crowd. I wondered, too, why I wasn't the person counteracting, considering I was one person feeling uncomfortable with it. So, one lesson learned at the history conference was that I need to find my voice and use it.
The panels and the speakers throughout the event were informative, intelligent, and remarkable. I did kind of wish there was a way to include dissenting voices among the crowd to get a richer discussion, but in my heart of hearts I knew a) that wasn't really the point of the conference and b) it is rare for that kind of dialog to take place in a non-threatening way - particularly when there are elements of the crowd who find it necessary to silence even the voices of agreement.
At lunchtime, I situated myself in the far corner of the room to avoid all human contact. I guess I'm in that kind of mood lately. I dunno. I sat eating and pretending to write in my journal, but really I was observing everyone. Mr. Zinn was sitting two tables away, facing me...so I laughed to myself about the fact that I was practically eating lunch with one of the greatest historians of our time. I thought about maybe going back to school to study history. And then two nice boys joined me and we talked briefly about last night's speech and education and whatnot. It was a nice, pleasant conversation & allowed me to feel good about the fact that I didn't avoid human contact altogether, in spite of my best efforts to the contrary. Ha!
I was exhausted when I arrived home Saturday night, but I went out to dinner with J anyway. We went to Swad and it was pleasant, but there was dis/ease. I get the feeling it is painful for him to hang out with me, and that painfulness is maybe exacerbated by the fact that it's NOT painful for me. Or maybe he's just in pain in general. I don't know/can't claim that it has anything to do with me at all, but the dosa and chole bhatura and sev potato puri was fabulous, and it was nice to see J as he has been ill for a bit. He even helped me to fix a computer problem I have been having. I couldn't find the R. Kelly videos I told him I was going to make him watch with me, which was kind of a bummer, and he left early in the evening...which was probably good because I was so tired & sort of overwhelmed with being around people.
I was invited to a party, which had been making me nervous all week. The person who invited me is someone who I really enjoy hanging around, and actually would love to go to a party with at some point, because he always makes me feel at ease...but I just have not been feeling the whole "large crowd" thing lately & I was balking. So there was this dynamic of me feeling torn that I wasn't going to get to see my friend, but fairly certain that I would have a crappy time going to a party that was making me feel extra-super wishy washy about giving a definitive answer. I did SAY no to the party several times, but I'm fortunate that my friend is pretty sensitive about how I'm feeling, so even though he heard no, I think he sensed my feelings of hesitation and kept asking (because normally he accepts my boundaries pretty readily, actually, which is why he's so very very dear to me) - but the thing is that in addition to the original party, he was now going to be attending a fucking FRAT party, and all of the reasons for me not wanting to go were suddenly increased 5 million fold & not only that...suddenly the very idea was making me feel upset and agitated. I told my friend I was just going to go to bed, but when I laid down to sleep, I started feeling really upset about the whole party/meat market atmosphere.
I dunno...it started to really get to me that what I look like - and what others look like to me - dictates to such a great extent whether or not we ever really get to know them on a deeper level, whether we are even talking about a relationship level or not. Plus, it made me feel all shaky and weepy to think that going to a party is an exercise in dressing myself up to be judged and evaluated and deemed worthy/unworthy by random strangers in a room. blah! I'm not quite sure what actually precipitated all of this. I can't really say it has anything to do with hanging around in a room full of history nerds all day. And it's not even that I don't feel like I "measure up" or whatever...it's just the very act of feeling like other people are measuring me...in mass quantities...that started to ook me out a bit. Maybe, too, you know...I'm 36 years old! I guess to a certain extent I feel like my friend is inviting his mom out to a party with him, which seems kind of silly.
At any rate, I was able to express these feeling abruptly to my friend and get them out enough to where I was able to actually fall asleep, but it's still bothering me today that I felt so weird about it. Part of me feels totally justified in feeling that way, and part of me is like "Whatever, lady - it's just another background for whatever you experience...why get all bent out of shape." And I wonder if I would have refused to go last month or if I will refuse to go next month or the month after that. I spent much of the day today trying to figure out when I have last been to a party - like a house party of someone I don't know - and I just can't remember. And then I started trying to remember when I have ever actually met anyone worth knowing at a party, and I can't remember that, either...so I don't feel so bad. But, then, I do recall having been to some parties with friends and just enjoying the experience...so maybe that's the key. But, I guess going to a party with a male friend who is scouting for a relationship is probably what was making me feel like it wouldn't be such a good idea.
I dunno. I've already spent way more energy on this than it probably deserves, but I'm just sort of interested in why being asked to a party evoked such a strong, reactive emotional response in me. So I'll probably think about it more, but if anyone out there has any thoughts about that, I'd love to hear them.
Today I woke up late, but managed to only miss the one speaker in the whole event who made me feel impatient and irritated. There were only about 5 people on the 3-hour panel this morning, so there was lots of time for discussion in the end, and I really enjoyed hearing from all of the regular people in the room. One woman mentioned that the closest she has ever been to going to university was attending university conferences & I wanted to stand up and applaud her as she mentioned that it might be good for the panelists to consider that there are lots of people who don't have degress who could benefit from what they are saying. Then the ever-present Carl Webb made the important point that we need to bring this stuff off-campus and share information and solidarity with those who don't ever set foot on campus. I requested more resources for younger children, which is something I'm probably going to write about later, as so much of the historical research and documentation is geared towards high school and up - and even in our very good library, there are still tons and tons of books that teach the kind of history that I have to go back later and say "Oh, by the way, everything in this book is either wrong or told from a perspective that invalidates what really happened."
And now I am home. And it is fucking cold out there. And I have a million bajillion things to do, but I just want to curl up in a little ball under all of my covers and think through all of the events of the week - both educational and emotional - and breathe, and listen to music, and think, and allow myself to feel all of it, and work through all of it, and come out on the other side with some ideas about how to deal with it all.
But first I need to make myself a fucking sandwich, because I am HUNGRY!!!!!!!!
The Beagle (a rant)
October 15, 2005
The gate came open today, and both dogs escaped. Basically, lately the beagle has decided that once she is out, that is it. She has decided that even if I am calling to her, she does not need to return. She has decided that if she is within arm's reach, she can turn tail and run. And she does.
But the boxer was out with her, and I actually give a shit about the boxer (again, I am sorry to say it, but when a dog runs from me as if I have beaten her whenever she digs, chews, or bashes her way under, around, or through the fence (and if you think I am kidding, I can show you the hole that stubborn brat chewed in the gate) I can only HOPE she doesn't return) so we got in the car and went on a search mission.
We found them harrassing some folks and their dogs. The beagle was in the middle of the street, barking. The boxer immediately came back to the van and hopped in. The beagle ran down the street, away from me. Barking. I drove after her. Stopped, got out. She ran. I drove (I had the kids with me, and even if I didn't - she is much, much faster than I am in a footrace and, like, no way I am going to run down the street chasing after the most stubborn fucking dog on the face of the planet) stopped...got out. She ran. She did this all the way home. At one point, some guy tried to catch her. Couldn't do it. She ran to the house and made like she was going to the porch. We all got out of the van, and she fucking took off barking down the road.
Seriously. That dog. I don't know. I know that everyone I know is sick of hearing me complain about her. They are all like "find her a new home!" or even "What if we 'accidentally' lose her in a forest somewhere?" But she is Monk's dog & it would destroy him to lose her. But she's won. I mean, there's nothing I can do to keep her in the yard (Clay has some good ideas, but it's like we have to build a fortress out there) & now when she gets out, she only comes back when she's damn good and ready (Which, granted, is usually within 30 minutes or so. At that point, she usually lets herself IN through the same hole she let herself OUT of and, if the back door is open, waltzes right back into the house - looking for water and a place to crash. She's like the reincarnated soul of all of the drug addicts I have ever known!)
I hate beagles as much as I hate Earthlink. Never again. Never, ever NEVER everevernever EVER ever again will I EVER take a beagle into my home. I realize now that it was a mistake to get rid of the boston. The boston at least had some redeeming characteristics. He was cute and bug-eyed and he didn't perpetually smell like someone's ass. I am totally tempted to just give up and never let that damn dog into the house again.
OK, I feel a LITTLE better now. I need to go bake a cake and clean up my house in preparation for Coley's b-day party. I've plugged up the hole in the fence (again) and when that damn dog comes back, I'm escorting her to the yard where she can stay until I'm damn good and ready to let her into the house (or until she finds a new way to escape which, really...it's only a matter of time.
Damn fucking stubborn ass dog.
Note to non-parents in the audience...
September 24, 2005
There seems to be a misconception out there that parents are somehow omnipotent and can force children to behave in certain ways in public. Oh, how I wish that were true.
The fact is that my 4 year old can only be contained/constrained within a certain wide spectrum of socially acceptable behavior. I can generally keep him from hitting people, but I certainly can't keep him from making noise without beating him.
And to the person who insists that the two alternatives I have as a parent are A) beating my child so you don't have to know he exists or B) Never leaving the house so you don't have to know he exists...I have to wonder - who is the fucking child here?
Forcing a child (I'd say anywhere from 6 or 7 on down) to behave in public is not something that can be done with 100% consistency and accuracy. Beating a child (or otherwise OPPRESSING THEM through threatening behavior) to keep them in line only POSTPONES their misbehavior to later in life. So the attitude and assumption that I need to revert to what I consider wrong-headed parenting practices in order to satisfy someone's desire for pseudo-tranquility in public spaces is totally fucking counter-productive.
A child under the age of 7 or so is NOT FULLY CAPABLE OF REASON. Look, if you are going to tell me how to parent, please for maude's sake at LEAST read up on child development. And if you are going to insist that you don't have to because you aren't a parent, then at least recognize that out of your complete and total ignorance of the subject you might actually be setting a standard that is unachievable, and then judging me negatively for not achieving that standard.
And because we live in a society in which the bulk of the responsibility for the care of the children falls on the shoulders of women, those unachievable standards you are attempting to force ME to achieve are unachievable standards you are attempting to force ALL WOMEN with children to achieve. THAT is oppression.
By the way, I asked my 8 year old what he thinks about all of this, and he thinks you all are a bunch of whiners.
Irony
September 20, 2005
Far be it from me to gloat about impending disaster...but many of the homeschool list racist fucks who were spouting the "personal responsibility" line about the victims of Katrina are now sitting right in the potential path of hurrican Rita. And many of them are grossly underprepared.
Hurricane WHO, now?
September 9, 2005
Jesus Christ, Laura Bush, even my CHILDREN know it's KUH-TREE-NUH.
This may seem like a silly little slip up, but I think it is really indicative of how very little thought is being put into this disaster at the level of the presidency. How can she NOT KNOW? How can she make that mistake TWICE?
It's a fucking disgrace.
Dear Homeschool Email List Racist Fuckwad,
September 8, 2005
Do you even HAVE children? I have been reading your snide, inflammatory posts directing me to editorial commentary on townhall.com and Lew Hatewell for the past 5 years, and I have not once seen a post from you even referencing children, education, or...anything.
Now you feel like it would be a good idea to bait people by posting links directing us to posts that question whether it's genetics or culture that make black people inferior to white people...and actually insisting on people engaging in objective debate with you? Fuckwad. There's no sense in debating reasonably about articles that have no basis in reason! Good fucking lord. The fucking articles you posted had less reality to them than the Onion links I posted on my blog yesterday.
Thanks to the rest of the people on the list for having the decency to just not respond to the second post after being labeled as "angry" for responding righteously angrily to the first. I'm not sending this email to the list, because I see no point in egging this asshole on...but I did need to vent about it.
This is really the written equivalent of our FEMA director plugging his ears and shouting "LALALALALALALALALALALLALALALALALALA"
September 2, 2005
CNN.com - The big disconnect on New Orleans - Sep 2, 2005
[link via ECHIDNE]
First fiddling, then appointing...
September 2, 2005
Bypassing Senate, president appoints a top Justice official - The Boston Globe
Bush used a ''recess appointment" Wednesday to name Alice S. Fisher to lead the agency's criminal division. Senator Carl Levin, Democrat of Michigan, had blocked the nomination because he wants to talk to an agent who named Fisher in an e-mail about allegedly abusive interrogations at the US military prison camp at Guantanamo.The agent wrote that in weekly meetings with Justice Department officials, ''we often discussed [Defense Department] techniques and how they were not effective or producing [intelligence] that was reliable." In the next sentence, the agent said Fisher, then the number two official in the criminal division, was among Justice officials who attended the meetings.
Fisher has said she does not recall participating in the discussions, and Justice officials have said the agent did not intend to say she had. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales declined to let senators question the agent, saying it would violate longstanding policy.
Meanwhile, back in Guantanamo...
Since January 2002, the (Defense Department) has denied prisoners access to the courts or legal counsel in an effort to avoid justifying the basis for the detentions. This policy has driven detainees to strike until they die or are afforded a fair hearing and humane treatment," said attorney Gitanjali Gutierrez, of the New York-based Center for Constitutional Rights, which represents some of the prisoners.
It's a wonder our president even got around to acknowledging all of the poor folks in Louisiana.
[link courtesy of redneck mother.]
One more thing before I go and try to feed my children
September 2, 2005
PTSD. We are setting these people up for years and years of mental health issues. And when I see the babies and small children in this video, I think about the lesson they are learning about their fellow humans, about capitalism, about our nation.
You want to talk about the violence that might or might not be happening down there right now? We are setting ourselves up for a whole bunch of shit. People who are traumatized, and most likely unable to get the help they need to overcome the trauma. Additionally, there might or might not be gun-slinging outlaws in NO right now, but the greatest violence is being perpetrated by our government, and they are doing it the good, old-fashioned, capitalist way. They are doing it without tanks, without guns, and, they hope, without any fucking accountability. They are STARVING people, and people...babies, old people, plain old regular fucking people ARE DYING. Do you got that? The man in the video said he saw people DYING OF DEHYDRATION right in front of him. BABIES who were dead. BABIES. I consider that to be a supreme act of violence, and I blame our president and our government for allowing it to happen.
Zagg sent me an email, and asked me to post it:
"Unfortunately, that's going to be attributable a lot to people who did not heed the advance warnings," Brown told CNN.That's absolutely disgusting. On Sunday, before the storm, many, many AP stories had this paragraph in them:
"As many as 100,000 inner-city residents didn't have the means to leave and an untold number of tourists were stranded by the closing of the airport, so the city arranged buses to take people to 10 last-resort shelters, including the Superdome."
There was wide acknowledgement that people COULDN'T get out. Now FEMA is trying to cover their ass and say that people didn't "heed the warning."
It's so disgusting.
I agree, Zagg. It's disgusting. I am disgusted with our country right now. I'm especially disgusted with the alleged "sanctity of life" Christians who very much appear to be total fucking hypocrites right now.
I let Ms. Barber off too easy...
September 2, 2005
Lest you think calling her a fucking cunt was a bit harsh.
It appears from that video that the REASON the people at the convention center aren't being rescued is because of the fucking rumors being spread by fucking cunts LIKE Ms. Barber.
Ms. Barber: Your GOD is a fucking cunt. This has nothing to do with, as several of your commentors felt the need to forward, "Many years of embracing a God-less, liberal, undisciplined life", this has to do with fucking SURVIVAL and HUMANITY.
I don't believe in your god, Ms. Barber, and I have a feeling myself and my other heathen friends have more humanity and love in our little fingers than you have in your entire fucking body.
Shoot them on sight? You are fucking EVIL.
I'm about to fucking get in my fucking van
September 2, 2005
And drive to the fucking convention center myself.
Do you still think looters should be shot on sight, Ms. Barber? You Fucking Cunt. This video made me cry my eyes out and hug my babies close.
WHERE THE FUCK IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES! WHY ISN'T THERE A REVOLUTION MARCHING THROUGH THE STREETS RIGHT FUCKING NOW?
I have about 50 dollars until my next paycheck, and I am having to restrain myself from spending all of it on gas to NO and back. WHY IS OUR GOVERNMENT NOT HELPING THESE PEOPLE.
There are a lot of people I would like to "shoot on sight" right now. They are not "looters." They don't even fucking live anywhere NEAR Louisiana or Mississippi.
I haven't been watching television, so this is the first moving visual image that I've seen about this, and I. I just don't know. I just don't know how anyone can justify this bullshit.
Hurricane Katrina on AM Radio
August 31, 2005
Oh My Fucking God, please remind me to never listen to AM radio talk shows ever again during my long drive out to the country to pick up the children...or any other time.
If you think the wingnuts in the blogosphere are bad, you really don't want to hear the absolute insane nuts who are calling up talk shows with their bizarre rants about the foreign aid that is NOT being offered to us in the aftermath of Katrina.
Never mind that SOMEONE, in fact, really does seem to care very much about lower income Americans in the wake of this disaster. Hint: It's NOT Mr. Tamborine man. (Oh wait...you say that's a GUITAR?) The insane loonies don't even realize their desires for isolationism totally fucking contradict their insistence upon offering up more soldiers to the war machine in Iraq. Basically, we're only supposed to refuse to offer HUMANITARIAN aid...not, like, WAR aid. Or something.
Holy fucking shit. There is something very, very wrong with this country. My head is fucking spinning. I'm sure this post is not even articulate, because I am soooooo tired, but I had to just let it go before heading off to bed.
[links in this rant were provided by commenters on this post at Pandagon.]
Oh, shit...don't even get me started on the fucking Einsteins who were calling in to advocate that fucking "looters" be shot on sight. It was especially telling when one of the callers very CLEARLY enunciated the words "cotton-picking" in reference to "the looters."
Fuck. You know? Just fuck.
Oh, great...here comes the left wing "put the women in their place" brigade.
August 14, 2005
I have been trying to figure out how to articulate the feeling I'm getting from some of the (decidedly male) reactions to the phenomenon that is Ms. Sheehan and her form of protest/grief. Then I read this post by Redneck Mother:
An email loop I'm on was apoplectic this weekend after a guy wrote a vicious screed attacking a fellow list member for mentioning that she was going to Camp Casey. Another dude jumped on board to second that emotion, and some women on the list (including, I must say, me) shut them down.
And, I gotta say, I was still feeling a little stung about the earlier quoted post by Bellman, when I read this post by David Scott Anderson:
I have come to the conclusion that Progressives have hurt their own cause more than helped it by the form of our dissent. Rather than taking an aggressive political and legal course to address our grievances, we create circus side shows that as much alienate those who we would seek to sway, as convince anyone of the justness of our cause.
And now I'm just spitting mad.
Listen up, Men. Just because it seems to be more difficult for you to grasp the depth of emotion involved in this situation does not mean what is happening in Crawford is a "circus side show" or a "media whoring" event or a "publicity stunt."
What I'm seeing in reactions like these from both the left and the right (and I'm not going to link directly to anyone on the right, but amanda does a good job of calling out John Cole in this post*) is the same argument that emotion is somehow inferior to logic, without the acknowledgement that emotions ARE logic.
Fuck that. Fuck all of that. Maybe I've got my uterus-colored glasses on, but I'm seeing all sorts of male privilege in these posts, and I'm not liking it. It brings me back to an earlier post by Robert Arjet where he was talking about (abusive/insensitive) men and their refusal to do the emotional work, and the tendency for men to dismiss emotion, and therefore put women in their place, by accusing people (mainly women) who express strong emotion of being manipulative.
Yes, Camp Casey is a spectacle. Yes, it's a protest against the war. Yes, it's a media show. And, yes, DAMNIT, it's a raw, emotional fucking deal. I know there are radical fathers out there, but I'm not hearing the same thing from men that I have heard from women. Women who cried when walking past the crosses representing our fallen soldiers. Women who jumped at the chance to take a trip to Crawford Texas from Massachussetts like it was a fucking game show prize. Women who have husbands and children in Iraq and have to deal with the constant worry that comes with that. Women, like me, who are trying to raise their boys to be honorable men...and who don't feel like feeding those honorable men to the war machine when they turn 18. Women who are sick and fucking tired of having MEN define the word HONORABLE in such a sick, fucking, twisted way. This is gritty, emotional stuff. And it's about fucking time someone stood out in the heat and said "Look at us! We are here, and we aren't going to hide conveniently behind the flag (OR some crusty old hippy protestor dude) just because you tell us to."
What Cindy Sheehan represents to me is a mama who has, quite fiercely, decided that she has had enough. And fuck you for trying to put her in her place. I think Robert, actually, nails it when he identifies the perfect place for Cindy Sheehan and the other military families who are courageous enough to take a stand in spite of the cynical naysayers who want us to attempt to "logic" our way out of this war. That place? Shackled to George Bush like Jacob Marley's chains.
And suddenly I had this image of a crowd of grieving mothers, fathers, children, trailing behind Bush everywhere he went. He would have to drag them around the country behind him like a human ball and chain. Like Jacob Marley, with his tangle of chains and cashboxes and ledgers. Far from escaping his sins, he'd be condemned to drag them along behind him.
Let's keep in mind here that this is a legitimate protest being forwarded by people with legitimate grievances against an illegitimate war. I am not going to tolerate so-called "progressive" men trying to minimize this woman's efforts by asserting their perceived authority about "right" and "wrong" ways to draw attention to the issues we, as mothers, as women, as parents, as people face.
If you've got a better idea for stopping this war - turn off your fucking computer, get off of your fucking ass, gather the necessary resources and FUCKING DO IT. But for fuck's sake, in the meantime, have the decency to shut the fuck up and let people do what they feel is necessary without spouting your bullshit about "substance" and "spectacle."
P.S. Aldon Haynes says it much better, and with less froth. If that's what you prefer.
ETA: Oh good fucking Lord, will you SHUT UP, already.
She is a mother, not a person, and only then will she have the power and moral authority to challenge the ruler. As a person, she is nothing. As a mother, she has the moral authority of all mothers through the ages.[...]
That's why she is having no effect (none / 1)
She is not effective, because she is one person.
As a universal archetype, she has power.
As an individual, she has nothing.
And, while yr at it..."frame" my left one. GodDAMN I can't fucking stand strategists.
*And my response to John Cole went something like this:
Pardon me while I muscle through the testosterone here and bring up a point that hasn't been raised in the comments:
This isn’t about Cindy Sheehan. Andrew, Atrios, all the folks at dKos couldn’t give a SHIT about Cindy Sheehan. This is about galvanizing support against the war, and not a whit about Cindy Sheehan and her ‘questions.’ And for some of them, this isn’t even about galvanizing support against the war- it is just pure politics.
I know that us womenfolk don't count as much as those lefty men you mentioned there, but for me and many other women on the web (and, most likely, many men) Cindy Sheehan is a human being who is in a really painful place and she would sincerely like answers to her questions. Additionally, she would sincerely like Bush to stop using her son's death to justify a war.
Her message is plain, and it's a message I, as a mother of boys, find very comforting. I want to make DAMN SURE that if my boys are ever sent to fight in a war, there is a DAMN GOOD REASON. And that the leaders of the country I live in do not use their HONOR against them and mislead them into fighting a war that is more about feeding a capitalist machine than protecting our country.
I am raising my sons to be good men. George Bush, or any other leader, does not deserve to use them to acquire or maintain wealth. And if he or whoever is leading our country at the time that they become men choose to fight a war of liberation, they better make damn sure that is clear to the troops BEFORE they send them over, so my sons can make a choice as to whether or not they wish to fight for that cause.
This is what I believe to be Cindy Sheehan's message. And, such as it is, it's pretty fucking unassailable. I thank her for her honor. In fact, I love her for her strength.
The last nail in the coffin
September 8, 2004
Pretty much this is the last nail in the coffin if I had ever hoped to feel like I was a welcome participant at OS Politics.
Open Source Politics: On Protest
[...]the people who do protests like this are, despite the comment threat at TL, not generally Democrats. The right-wing commenters at TL kept condeming Democrats for such actions, but if you've ever been to any sort of left-wing protest, you tend to find that most of the protestors are not only not Democrats, they generally hate Democrats. People just like this group disrupted the Florida Delegate Breakfast at the DNC while we were there. They actually attempted to storm the stage and take control of the microphone before they were escorted out of the building. Democrats don't generally participate in this kind of activity. There are some, but they aren't really dedicated members of the party, they are people who think that the Democratic party is part of the same corrupt power structure as the Republicans and therefore are equally worthy of contempt. These people don't vote or they vote for the likes of Ralph Nader.
"These people" also don't appreciate being referred to as "these people." And "these people" find the likes of smarmy individuals who don't even attempt to understand the motivations behind protesting at a national political convention abhorrant and counter-productive to any potentially progressive movement.
It's posts like this that REALLY demonstrate why so many of us don't wish to be associated with the so-called democratic party at all. But you can go on blaming Nader, rather than examining your participation in the alienation of lefty voters.
"us" vs. "them"
May 11, 2004
I don't even know where to begin to describe my feelings about the ruthless beheading of a seemingly innocent person in Iraq. It just seems like more and more people are caught in the crossfire of the so-called war on terror. I feel terrorized from all sides. Saddened. Deeply, deeply grieving the death of not only the physical body but the spirit of common goodness. Grieving for the tortured victims and their horribly misguided torturers on both sides. Because what sort of evil presence in a life would convince someone to partake in any of this, really?
And so many people want to blame the "other side" - whichever side conveniently falls to other. "They" are animals. "They" are liars. "They" are criminals. "They" are terrorists. If "they" hadn't sent/given reason for "us" to be there, "they"/"we" wouldn't be in this position.
And while all of this blame and rhetoric is being passed around people are being tortured, people are dying, people are living in fear and abject poverty, people are being murdered.
I was reading a small victory yesterday, even though I promised myself I wouldn't do that anymore. And I ran across a comment from the lone leftie who still tries to post there. He said something that I've been thinking and I've tried to articulate, but I've never done a very good job. He said:
What I implied— and I stand by this —is that rage and sadness are no excuse for imprecision, especially on a subject as important as this is. Because, I'm fairly certain, you're wrong about all terrorists, even terrorists in Iraq, being "the worst kind of human being from top to bottom." Some of these people, like you, are reacting to rage and sadness. And not the rage and sadness of seeing someone they don't know murdered over a grainy internet feed; the rage and sadness of seeing their entire family killed by a bomb that dropped out of a U.S. airplane.
I don't think that excuses terrorism. I don't think that fact allows for beheadings or torture or murder on either side. I do think it's something we must think about and figure out how to incorporate into our policies and strategies for diplomacy and communication.
For me, the question is what causes the rage and sadness? What causes people to feel so much rage and so much sadness that they would do unspeakable acts because of it?
Is it George Bush? Nah. He's pretty horrifyingly anger-inducing, but he's not responsible. Last night, I was listening to a radio show in which the DJ was talking about the possibility that "the terrorists" might attempt to "influence our election the way they did in Spain." And I thought about that. I thought - which candidates would the terrorists want me to vote for? Do you think the terrorists would hate Kerry LESS than Bush? Seriously? Do you think Kerry is going to end the war on terror? And, if he does, do you think he's going to do it quietly and without actions that might precipitate more rage and sadness?
The thing is that we can't demonize the enemy. We can't make them out to be less then human, because you can't solve a human problem by excluding humanity from the equation. Because the war on terror is not a mythical battle of good and evil. Because, I'm sorry, but "good" and "evil" don't really exist exclusively within any single individual or any group of people...and arguing who is "right" and who is "wrong" hasn't gotten us anywhere.
My mind races and buzzes. I don't have a solution. I'm so fucking mad because I don't know the answers. I just know that it's not helping anyone to divide the world into "us" vs. "them" and set about to eliminate "them." Because some of "us" ARE "them."
Agh...I don't even know if I'm expressing this clearly. My feelings are all jumbled up. I just had a very visceral reaction to the audio description of the beheading of Nick Berg. I grieve for his family - his mother, who heard the news so close to mother's day. I, too, feel despair. Despair. And it saddens me deeply to read of how this has fueled even more hatred, and even more calls for retaliation. Because it does go on and on, doesn't it? And, as long as we keep throwing up barriers between "us" and "them," I can't imagine that it's ever EVER going to stop.
P.S. I realize this post is a direct contradiction of the one immediately preceding it, but as Maude said "Consistency is not a human trait."
Missing
April 14, 2004
There are some things that have come up missing in this house, and it grates my nerves, which are already hewn to a sheen. First, Monk's batting helmet and baseballs, which, coincidentally (HA fucking HA HA) the suspected culprit raised a HUGE stink about because they happened to have been purchased by a close personal friend of mine who the suspected culprit disapproves of (my suspicion is that the suspected culprit feels threatened in his inadequacy by the hyper-adequacy of the disapproved-of party.) I guess I can't prove who is responsible for their disappearance, but it seems odd that they disappeared within a week after several heated discussions about the appropriateness of said individual purchasing said items.
And then, this morning, I went to pull the clothes off the line and discovered that my favorite all cotton summery blanket is gone. Yanked from the line while all of the other items were still waving in the breeze. Granted, this could also be a coincidence. But the weather has been chilly these days, and I can see where someone who feels like buying basic household items is "frittering" away money might feel that stealing a blanket is justified, even though if that same someone had merely ASKED for a blanket, I would have provided one that wasn't quite so HUGE (it's a king sized blanket, one of two that fits over the entire fam when we play our space exploration game). This might sound petty, but I have about 5 blankets in this house, and 2 or 3 sets of sheets, and a child who is potty training, and a dryer that doesn't work. You do the fucking math.
Of course, historically, when things have gone missing (like, for instance, large amounts of money from the children's banks) I have been told I'm hysterical for even thinking that this person could possibly even CONSIDER doing anything like that. This person has also been known to lie right into my fucking eyes about things that we BOTH KNOW are lies, and this person is not above denying any responsibility and then placing these items somewhere else so it looks like I "flew off the handle" for no reason, only to find the missing items elsewhere.
So, yeah. I'm a little tense these days. The urge to scream is strong. I've been a bitch to the children and I'm ready to proceed with the proceedings. Which is why I am utterly elated that I have been informed that "the check is in the mail" - the "check" being one that will hopefully provide the means to end this fucking disaster once and for all.
Damn, but it's dragged on forever and ever, hasn't it? I'm hoping that an end is in sight. I can't fucking wait.
Kos, Cramer, and selective objection
April 6, 2004
I have really fucking had it with all of the uproar about "offensive" statements about our military operations, and the demands for apology coming from people who clearly have nothing better to do than to hold people accountable to their warped standards of conduct.
I've had it, so I've chosen to ignore the bloggers who engage in it. Thankfully, most of them are on the pro-war side of things, so it's not difficult for me to ignore them. However, when the asshats come here and call a decent, well-meaning woman who has taken it upon herself to do research into unsavory topics a "whore" I can't ignore it, nor can I remain silent about it.
While I admit that it's not exactly kind to speculate about those who have died, I'm feeling like Kos and Cramer have been victims of an extreme, not to mention seemingly CALCULATED overreaction. Both bloggers had a visceral reaction to the deaths of the American Armed Security Officers who were killed in Fallujah last week. Both were verbally assaulted by a slew of commenters and e-mailers. Both retracted and/or apologized for their statements in a way that was comfortable to them. Both have remained unforgiven and have even been criticized for their apologies.
It's fucking maddening to me that someone can go off calling people smug and hateful and vindictive and mean over the deaths of four people, and yet ridicule the anti-war protesters for objecting the the deaths of thousands. And I'm not at all saying that we shouldn't feel bad about the four people who have died, (although I'm sure someone will find a way to twist my words to make it seem like I am. Fuck them.) what I've said and what I continue to say is that death is not relative. Why would someone want me to respect the death of an armed security guard more than I respect the death of any number of soldiers and civilians - both American and Iraqi - who have died thus far?
The fact is that those four Americans CHOSE to be there. They were doing a job they were paid to do, paid a lot more than the soldiers who are there, and they took the job knowing there were dangers. That is not to say that their deaths were not tragic, but I can't help but think of the thousands of Iraqis who had bombs rain down upon them, and many others who are caught in the crossfire.
If you want me to believe that our military personnel and mercenaries are innocent bystanders in this war who do not deserve to die (which I do, wholeheartedly) than, for consistency's sake, I am also to believe that the Iraqi military personnel are also innocent bystanders in this war who do not deserve to die (which I also do, wholeheartedly.) I also happen to believe that the resistance in Iraq is being fought by people who are innocent bystanders who do not deserve to die. I'm sure there are bad apples in there somewhere, ON BOTH SIDES, but I do not think there are enough bad apples in the world to do all of that fighting and killing.
And let me explain something about apologies, something that I tell my children all of the time. If you have to ask someone for an apology, you will NEVER be satisfied with the result. I don't believe Kos or Cramer needed to apologize for their words. I read the original posts of both, and found them to be impassioned and emotional (in the case of Kos) and dreading and exploratory (in the case of Cramer) obviously, some of you disagree. But neither Kos nor Cramer are responsible for the deaths of these people, and I'm sick to fucking death of hearing about what horrible people they are because of the words that they used to sort through and make sense of the tragedies, especially when I go to the sites that are criticising them, and find them peppered with about a thousand things that are offensive to me personally.
Those who were offended by the comments of Kos and Cramer have a right to be offended. They have a right to write about their offense. I even believe that they have a right to visit those blogs and post their offense. However, you shouldn't be surpised when you get called fucking hypocrites and idiots for doing so. And you DON'T have the right to expect that people will manage the comments the way you want them to. You don't have the right to insist they remove things or replace things that they have removed. You don't have the right to intimidate people by threatening them or their family members. And you don't have the right to come to my space and use sexist terminology to describe them.
In case yr coming here from there...
January 16, 2004
It's not about exclusivity, "clubs," or blacklists. It's about expecting people who espouse a certain viewpoint to maintain consistency in their behavior OR to at least be open to hearing when it's observed that consistency has not been maintained.
The more defensive one is about being called bullshit on, the less likely one is to actually look towards changing the behavior that interferes with true community.
The only exclusivity involved is a lack of desire to explain things to someone who claims to already know what it's about. The only blacklisting is my unwillingness to put myself out there for someone who has no desire to be mutually respectful...there are certain opinions that I just don't want to hear here, because I don't feel that they are made by individuals who are self-aware and/or sincere and/or earnest.
And, hey - even in an anarchist society, I would get to choose my friends. And I've long since accepted the fact that there are some people I JUST. DON'T. LIKE.
And, no...this is not an invitation for certain individuals to post in defense of themselves. I don't care to hear it. Maybe you should sit with it for awhile and either reflect in your own space, or go there again and talk about how I'm crazy and projecting my negative feelings about my husband on you (and maybe all men) or whatever other bullshit justification you feel is a valid excuse for you to avoid actually listening to someone else's reason to doubt your credibility as a political/social progressive, much less radical.
Oh, never fucking mind. Anyone who can read that and reduce it down to "she claims she doesn't like me, but she's just mad because I mentioned that men can be abused by women, too." is obviously too much of a flaming idiot to bother with, anyway.
What Subversity is Doing...
December 11, 2003
is actually a familiar tactic to me. It doesn't raise my blood pressure anymore to see it done, although it has in the past.
Basically, he's sampling my rage and, as I quoted earlier, jamming it back down my throat.
The abuse that I'm most accustomed to is the abuse that is uttered calmly from the mouth of a psuedo-rational individual who feels that as long as he doesn't swear or appear angry, it means he is the rational one. It's the kind of abuse that equates a quiet lack of emotion with appropriateness, and any angry reaction to this more laid-back form of manipulation with irrationality and inappropriateness.
I've never been struck, I've rarely been yelled at, but I've frequently been quietly degraded and given the silent treatment. It's subtle, so it took me a long time to come to realize how damaging it is. I figured if I didn't believe the insults, they wouldn't do any harm. I figured if I recognized the abuse for what it was, then it wouldn't affect me.
I'd be willing to guess, subversity, that many many people see through your reactions here just like I do. You don't appear calm to me. You appear to be violently denying my reality. I'm not saying that you are an abusive person in your home life, but you certainly are exhibiting behavior here on my blog that I am very familiar with in my home life.
Fortunately, here...I need only ban your IP and you go away. Poof!
How many times have I wished the same of the angry and controlling man in my real life?
Subversity, I'm not sure why you are reacting so strongly and so negatively to what I'm saying here, but, yes...Shut the fuck up and listen - or don't come back. I am not blocking any doorways. I haven't unplugged your phone. I'm certainly not even asking that you listen to me. Quite honestly, I really just want you to go away so I can continue on with what I had intended to discuss without the aggro, defensive male in the audience. Please remove the link to my blog from yours, as I do not wish for you to be directing this kind of traffic to me on this topic. I don't care what you say in your space, but this is not up for debate in general, and I don't wish to hear what people coming from your space have to say about this.
Austin Weather
December 9, 2003
Is just so fucked up. I mean, this afternoon, we were luxuriating in the sun at the Crossing, where our company retreat was held, and less than 4 hours later, it was icy cold, and is apparantly going to get down to the 20's tonight.
I'm sorry, but it's absolutely ridiculous how often the weather goes from 80 to 20 in a less-than-24 hour period. There's no reason for it other than sheer sinus torture. In two days it will be 75 degrees again, so what purpose does this pseudo cold snap serve, exactly?
Gah. I went to the grocery store just as the cold snap hit, and there were people running to their cars wearing t-shirts and shorts and freezing their asses off. How the hell am I supposed to get better in these conditions?
The "C" Word
December 4, 2003
Before I get into this rant, I just want to make it clear to the last person who used this word with me (in a recent e-mail) that this is not directed at him, but at the word and its application, and that there are absolutely no bad feelings about the fact that he chose to use this word with me, even though I totally reject its validity, and ask that he never EVER never use it with me again.
The "C"-word in question, of course, is...
Co-dependency.
I'm going to say this again, because I know I've said it before. A person who is in an abusive relationship is not necessarily co-dependent. The term, to me, implies that there is some sort of pathology inherent in being abused. It's implicit of blaming the victim, and I think it's absolute bullshit. I'm not saying I'm perfect or even that I'm totally mentally and emotionally healthy, BUT - READ THIS definition:
co-de-pen-dent or co-de-pen-dent (kd-pndnt) adj. Mutually dependent. Of or relating to a relationship in which one person is psychologically dependent in an unhealthy way on someone who is addicted to a drug or self-destructive behavior, such as chronic gambling.
Um, no. Sorry. While it might be true that L is addicted to SOMETHING resembling self-destructive behavior...I am in no way shape or form "psychologically dependent" on him. And I have not been since his behavior became unhealthy to me.
I am, however, parentally dependent on him. And my expectations of him end where the parenting ends. And they have for a long, long time. So please, don't go there with me. Any of you. It's bullshit. And don't take that on yourself, either. I have a feeling co-dependency is diagnosed predominantly in women. Just an inkling I have.
Codependents are people (mostly women) who are addicted to being needed; needing to be caretakers, listeners, sex providers, rescuers, whatever it is that they can provide. Not surprisingly, codependents are also people with very low self-esteem, so low that they need to feel needed to feel good about themselves. What is so great about these books is the way both Norwood and Beattie argue so emphatically that women deserve to feel good about themselves without being surrounded by, and looking after, abusive, alcoholic, battering, drug-taking or otherwise needy and manipulative partners. This is certainly important, but it is not enough. While books about codependency acknowledge that women deserve mutuality and equality in their relationships with men, they also say that women have to do the work of changing, and that healing society must always be postponed until after the individual is healed - which she never will be.
The term co-dependent is counter-productive. It perpetuates a myth that the victims of abuse did something to deserve that abuse, and removes at least some of the blame from the abuser. And the great psychological mindfuck of the term is that my rejection of it is seen as a "symptom" of co-dependency. I'm in DENIAL, baby. In actuality, all of this time that I had THOUGHT I was trying desperately to gnaw off any convenient limb in order to free myself from this relationship, and, from time to time over the past few years, resigning myself to remaining in it - I've actually been psychologically dependent on it. I'm just not self-aware enough to realize that.
Can you HEAR my eyes rolling?
Rich People are so damn cheap.
December 3, 2003
There really is no point to this post other than I feel the need to vent in a vague and non-specific way to avoid getting myself in trouble in case the rich person or persons in question actually read my blog.
But, damnit...there are some margins of money that just aren't worth complaining about. I figure if *I* can afford to cover someone's tip in a restaurant, this person can cover this small margin without even bothering to bring it up to the group.
But then, maybe that's why I'm poor and they are rich.
P.S. It has been a hell of a week, so expect more venting - as well as a disclamatory post about "positivity."
UPDATE: This post is incredibly rude and assumptive and doesn't give credit to the many rich people or at least well-off people in the world who truly aren't so damn cheap. But I'm too busy playing a game with my son to do any thoughtful posting right now, so i'll correct this later.
I turned on the TV last night
December 3, 2003
To try to catch a bit of zone out time before the kids became mine for the evening, and somehow chanced to catch a snippet of conversation off an unknown drama show that went something like this:
"I figure I can always go to college, get into the right sorority, meet a rich frat guy and get married...unless I get fat."
eyeroll.
So THAT'S what I've been doing wrong all of these years! Shit, I need to get on the "finding a rich frat guy husband" plan right fucking now. Time is a-wasting. Where's that Abdomonizer when I need it? Someone, quick, send me some methamphetamines!
That TV is SO TOTALLY getting placed on a high, high shelf as soon as I get one cleared off.
More rage against Fox.
December 1, 2003
I forgot about one more item on fox news last night that got my blood boiling. There was a 5 minute or so segment about how unfair it is that immigrants in California have increased census numbers and potentially influenced voting. In this segment, any mention of immigrants made it sound like ALL immigrants are illegal and that immigrants don't pay taxes or contribute to the economy in any way.
Needless to say, sick as I was, I was still cussing out the television. If I had a freaking dime for every time I hear some asshat conservative gripe about people in this country who don't pay taxes, I might be able to afford health insurance for my kids! In reality, there is no one who lives here who can get away with evading ALL taxes...and if you are able to do so, you are already so self-sustaining that you probably aren't any burden on our economic system anyway.
Anyway, this is why I'm glad that I stumbled on this article at LiP Magazine just now.
In the final analysis, none of the claims made by conservatives to inveigh against immigration hold up to scrutiny: immigrants are no more and perhaps less likely to receive public assistance than the native-born; they are no more and often less likely to engage in serious criminal activity; and ultimately, their desire to live in the U.S.—especially given the anti-immigrant backlash of recent years—is testament to nothing so much as their desire to take advantage of the greater opportunities still available here, relative to the places from whence they come.Of course, a few more years of Bushanomics might well remedy the situation: after all, if there aren't any jobs being created, no one will want to come to the United States.
In your FACE, asshat conservatives.
My response to the kwanzaa-basher
November 25, 2003
Basically, the argument boiled down to the fact that this guy couldn't understand how a holiday that was invented 30 years ago could be considered authentic. And he didn't get why it was frowned upon to buy kwanzaa gifts, decorations, and other items made by Avon - the person who initially posted the link to the official kwanzaa site had mentioned where authentic items could be purchased. I thought about it all night long, trying to figure out how I could respond to this jackass without burning myself out in the process (because I know this guy is not going to listen or care to any counter-argument he might have, but I also know other people are lurking and perhaps not sure what to think about the issue) and this is what I came up with.
I wonder what pagans (or, for that matter, the early Christians) thought during the first 30 years of the celebration of Christmas...http://www.serve.com/shea/germusa/pagan.htm
http://www.zenzibar.com/Articles/christmas.asp
http://www.religioustolerance.org/xmas_menu.htm#menu
I wonder which customs or holidays (or, while we're hinting at it, entire
cultures) ARE actually "authentic."livelifelove
Drucilla
This moron posts all of the time to the list, often pretending to be even more of a bumbling idiot than he actually is (which is probably difficult to do) in an attempt to make a point about something. A few weeks ago he posted about the head of "girl scouts of america" being asked to resign, when in actuality it was the head of the YWCA who was asked to resign. He "confused" the two in order to appear to be somewhat topical to the list, which had previously discussed girl scouts. Several people pointed out to him that there was no such thing as girl scouts of america, that girl scouts was not connected in any way to boy schouts. And I piped up "I know what you are talking about...all those woman things look the same to me, too."
*eyeroll*
The crap I have to put up with to get good homeschooling information. I'm thankful to be a proud member of the heathen homeschoolers of austin! Woo woo!
That's how grateful we are.
November 24, 2003
Before I get to the sincere "thank you's":
I want to personally thank governor Perry for wasting our tax dollars on endless special sessions rather than funding the Children's Health Insurance Program my family relies on because I just don't have an extra 300-500 dollars laying around to spend on health insurance for my kids through my employer (and that's with my employer paying half). I got a letter on Friday that indicated I earn too much money to qualify for the program...in part because of the cuts in funding to that program, and in part because I finally got my lowlife husband out of the house. That's lovely. Thanks. I'll be sure to send the bill directly to the governor if we should need to go to the emergency room for any reason before I can find another health insurance alternative. Thanks, governor Perry. I appreciate your weaning me from the teat of the state. My children thank you, too. I'm sure they will grow up and vote republican.
While I'm on the subject, i'd like to thank my darling soon-to-be-ex husband, who responded to the news about his children no longer having healthy insurance by basically telling me he's "just trying to survive" and by alluding to the fact that I have somehow wronged him by officially ending our relationship rather than allowing him to live here without contributing anything positive to the household, other than his part-time involvement with his own children. Thanks, L, for giving me daily reminders that you truly truly are a jackass. Otherwise, I might be feeling like I made some sort of mistake by ending our relationship. I'm sure our children would thank you, too, if I was petty enough to actually tell them you are a lowlife scumbucket who is more interested in punishing me for not putting up with your bullshit than actually helping to maintain the security and the safety of your children. I only hope they learn from your lack of involvement and grow up to be responsible adults out of absolute rebellion against you.
Oh, and thanks also for letting the cat escape. I'm sure you will deny it, but I have no idea how else the cat might have gotten out, since I've made it a point to leave her in my office until she grows used to the hubbub in the house - taking her out a couple of times a day to pet her and assure her that she belongs here. I'm sure you will help me hang the signs that I'm going to have to hang to try to find her. And thanks to whatever well-meaning neighbor has taken in the cat rather than allowing her to return. Because, you know, she's A CAT and she might not make it home OK.
*sigh*
This just in:
Thanks also to the jackass on one of my homeschooling lists who is arguing against the validity and authenticity of Kwanzaa, since it's a holiday that was only invented 30 years ago.
Oh, and...:
Thanks, also, to L for having STILL not complied with the terms of our separation agreement. He has refused to finish cleaning out the back room of the house and the carpet that he absolutely filthified in the time that he was living back there. I WANTED to have Monk's birthday party back there, but it's far too gross, and since he refuses to do it and I don't want Monk to suffer for his sheer idiocy and relentless refusal to do anything resembling taking responsibility for himself and his actions, it's looking like I'm going to have to cough up the money to have it taken care of. That, and the fact that the vacuum cleaner that I bought brand new and have never used has somehow been abused to the point of worthlessness have me really pissed at L right now. That man is at the very top of my shitlist.
Un-be-fucking-lievable.
November 14, 2003
It's amazing what I hear on the "news" these days. I spent the day today running errands and was just totally in awe of the ridiculousness of what passes for news reporting today - and even what passes for editorial, based on ill-founded bullshit and outright intolerance and hatred for anything but the good old fashioned american way (it's amazing, for instance, how the word "socialist" is assumed to be insulting and left at that. And how freely people bandy about the claim that some people in this country "don't pay any taxes.")
But I just heard the mother of all unbelievable bullshit on Fox News about 5 minutes ago. I was listening out of the corner of my ear and the smiling newslady was reporting about how women who have their second child with a different father are more likely to have low-birthweight babies the second time around. Certainly, this is an important study sponsored by a reputable non-religious foundation...but I could find no trace of this study in my quick search of the internet. The report took up all of 2 minutes in the news broadcast and as if the study itself wasn't ridiculous enough, the story was capped with the line "scientists are not sure about the cause of the discrepancy, but it's believed to be caused by lifestyle factors."
Fuck ME.
Um, hello? This is what passes for science these days? Wouldn't a proper study use control groups based on lifestyle? And what, exactly, was the purpose of this study? Were the "scientists" trying to make a point about the importance of fidelity? How is "low birth-weight" defined? If there was no control to factor out "lifestyle choices" (because, we ALL know that women who have children with more than one father are all pathetic, drug-addicted, whores!) how are we to believe there was no control to factor for normal weight variance in second children...
I'd love to research all of this, but I'm too busy seething to do anything about it right now. I'll probably rant a bit tonight with my mama friends and maybe look into more statistics tomorrow...but if anyone knows what this study is about and why it's considered newsworthy, please enlighten me.
Well, lookie, lookie - here's a more scientific (read: less faux-morally superior) explanation for variance in birthweight):
PREECLAMPSIA is a transient but potentially dangerous complication of pregnancy thataffects 3 to 5 percent of pregnant women. Although the causes of preeclampsia remainuncertain, epidemiologic features of the conditionhave led to speculation about immunologic causes. The risk of preeclampsia is at least twice as high during first pregnancies as during second or later pregnancies. Recent studies have suggested that the risk may decrease with a second pregnancy only if themother's partner is the same. The hypothesis is thatthe risk of preeclampsia may be reduced with repeatedmaternal exposure and adaptation to specific foreignantigens of the partner. According to this hypothesis, a new partner presents new antigens, which resultsin a risk of preeclampsia that is similar to the risk dur-ing a first pregnancy. However, it is also possible thatthe increased risk of preeclampsia associated with achange of partner might be attributable to a longerinterval since the previous delivery, which may alsoincrease the risk of preeclampsia.
Journalistic irresponsibility, anyone? Fuck rates of low-birthweight babies - I want to know the rate of truthful information compared to lies and misinformation reported on Fox News.
Stupid post stupid interruptions
October 23, 2003
I've spent about an hour a day for the past week attempting to record my feelings about recent interactions with L, and every time I start, it turns into this really long involved post about politics of relationships and dealing with people who are unreasonable and/or mentally ill - and the double-edged sword of DESIRING productive interaction, knowing I'm not going to get it and wanting to vent about it but feeling guilty about it because a part of me understands that L is fundamentally and profoundly unable to cope with relationships. And the fine line between understanding that and being sympathetic...and allowing abuse to happen and feeling compromised because of it. And wanting to accommodate but, again, not wanting to be compromised.
And all of this in a swirl with societal expectations of women and men and how drastically they differ and how it's assumed (and rightly so, I might add) that I would never in a million years even consider walking out on my children or even not financially supporting my children in a significant way - and yet the threat of L walking is palpable and the reality of L not financially supporting the children is waved away by him as a mere technicality because isn't he doing me this HUGE favor of watching them while I'm at work? And shouldn't that mean that he has absolutely no other obligation to them or to me...and included in that lack of obligation is the obligation to find his own place to live so I'm not expected to open my home on a daily basis to someone who time and time again has proven that he has absolutely no respect for my autonomy.
But I'm the nice one. I'm the workhorse. I'm the responsible one. I'm the mama.
Even though the way he sees it is that I'm the bitch, I'm the lazy one, I'm the spendthrift...
And what I really want to do is scream in his face. What I really want to do is get up in his space and see how he likes it. What I really want to do is take him to court and shake him down. What I really want to do is tell him he is a worthless piece of shit. What I really want to do is sky-write in huge, unmistakable letters "Your children are YOUR responsibility, too...and fulfilling your obligation as a parent is not a favor you do for the other parent, but a BARE-MINIMUM requirement of being a parent."
And then I feel like staying out all night so he has to wonder if I'm ever going to return and take care of the kids. Staying out all night with no way for him to contact me so he can know what it feels like to watch the clock, and hear the children sigh disappointedly, knowing that I'm supposed to be there, and I'm not. Staying out all night so he has to feel the panic of not knowing how he's going to care for these kids without the help of the other so-called adult who brought them into this world. Staying out all night so he has to take the baby to the emergency room, spending the last of the money that was set aside for therapy, without any hope of seeing that replenished by the other person who is RESPONSIBLE for helping with bills. Staying out all night until he really understands what it's like to know that the other parent CAN'T be relied upond. Staying out all night so that he has to scheme up backup plans, and backup plans to backup plans. And all the while the children are walking around with this disappointed and let-down look on their faces, because what staying out all night really does is teaches them that they can't rely on their parents to provide the care that they need.
So, I won't stay out all night. I'll come home at my designated time and hug them and hug them and hug them and I'll push down all of the "fuck yous" and "assholes" and every other descriptive adjective that rises like bile when I think about his hubris and sense of entitlement - when I have to look at that fucking adolescent smirk or that bloodshot look of indigence caused by his own inability to pull his shit together and be a fucking adult.
***
PS - this was a RANT, not a state of mind. I don't need advice - I don't need sympathy - I just needed to let this out so I can go about the rest of my day without jawclench and eyetick.
An Open Letter to a Man
October 17, 2003
Dear man in the parking lot,
I'm going to give you some advice. It's not a good idea to approach a woman while she is loading her children into her car - with her back turned to you - after dark. I understand that your car, which was parked on the dark side of the building, might very well have needed the jump you claimed it needed. I apologize that I was unable to be of assistance to you, but I need to consider the safety of myself and my children before I consider your potential need for help. I know it was probably difficult for you to understand why I would demand that you back away from me, while I reached into my car to grab my keys which I'm sure you thought might have been a gun or mace or any number of weapons of defense. You seemed confused by my fear of you. Perhaps you felt like you looked benign in your frat boy outfit and your baseball cap. You did not look benign to me.
I would think you would realize that a nearly empty parking lot at night is the wrong place to get help from a woman with two children in her care. I would think you would understand my refusal to even speak with you. I'm sorry that my reaction was an affront to you. I'm just trying to take care of my kids.
Sincerely
A mama.
While I'm venting...
October 17, 2003
I'm feeling the need to remind myself of a few things:
How many times did you refuse to go to the store for me to get orange juice and snotrags when I was sick? zero. or close to it.
How m