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« January 2005 | Main | March 2005 »

The INCREDIBLE SHRINKING to-do list.

February 25, 2005

Stuff I do every week

Stuff left over from previous weeks

Stuff I've added for this week

Posted at 10:02 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

An Afternoon with four 8-9 year old boys...

February 23, 2005

has culminated with me having to utter the unfortunate request:

"Are you guys playing, or are you in pain? If you are actually playing, and having fun, you need to make it sound a lot less like you are in pain, because I'm not sure how to respond."

Posted at 3:36 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Having Said that...

February 22, 2005

...I will now totally contradict what I just said.

(isn't our president a master of the english language? I'm definitely going to remember and use this one! How powerful it is! "No, I'm not planning on attacking you. That's RIDICULOUS! How dare you even THINK that...

...having said that...maybe I WILL and maybe I WON'T. Really, it's none of your business, anyway.)

Genius!

Posted at 5:08 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

For those of you who aren't currently struggling with a game addication...

February 21, 2005

AddictingGames.com - Flash and Java games

mwahahahhahahahaha

Posted at 4:42 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

To-Do List

February 19, 2005

Stuff I do every week

Stuff left over from previous weeks

Stuff I've added for this week

Posted at 4:00 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Coley

February 18, 2005

Coley woke up this morning and told me this:

"One time I goed behind your eyes. I looked at your eyes and there was a doorknob there, and I opened the door and goed behind your eyes."

And then, later, when Monk was trying to convince him to overthrow the evil mom regime...Monk said that if they worked together to overthrow me, they could play computer games. all. day. long. Coley responded, mindful of my role as the feeder of the bottomless pit: "That would be fun to play computer games all day long, but I think I would get hungry."

Posted at 9:53 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Here's some of that "real world" education that makes public school so yummy and desirable.

February 17, 2005

KIROTV.com - Education - Ohio Teacher Allegedly Makes Boy Spray Self With Lysol

Clearly this is the kind of socialization we all desire for our children.

Posted at 4:57 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Yet another reason...

February 17, 2005

First Grader Punished for Bag of Dirt

Her mom, Michele, says after Michaela put the mixture into the bag, she tied the top with a purple ponytail holder and gave it to her friend saying,"here's a bag of dirt."

After recess was over the student gave the bag of dirt to their teacher.

Michele says after meeting with the teacher and principal, she was told that the bag of dirt, "looked like a bag of weed."

Michaela says, "They said it was kind of a drug. I don't know what they are I only see cigarettes. That's all I say."

Does this mean I have to start grounding my children when they bring home pockets full of rocks from the playground! I mean...ROCKS, right? It COULD BE CRACK!

Posted at 10:07 AM • Comments (8) • TrackBack

Patience

February 16, 2005

It's been a rough week. As I've said here, I've had to make some changes to my schedule, and those changes have finally translated into an inconvenience to someone in my life who does not like to be inconvenienced and would prefer that any of his responsibilities would be minimized to the point of non-existence. Therefore, when these changes began to affect this person, he of course reverted to being abusive and unreasonable. This is nothing new with this person, and it really didn't effect me deeply, but I am just so tired of this pattern of behavior.

The good news is that when I pulled up to k8's house last night to pick up my kids, there was gleeful laughter peeling from the backyard like small joyous bells. God, that was good to hear. And the report from k8 and pansy was that the children did very well - all of the kids did (there were 7 there in all) - and there were specifics, like Monk taking a time out from playing to satisfy Coley's request that Monk play with him alone for 10 minutes. This is something I've been trying to impart to Monk for some time now, and I'm glad the environment last night was supportive of and conducive to that behavior.

It was almost 10 PM when we left, and the kids were still playing, and they were sorry to go.

There are 5 or 6 of us mamas, and we have made arrangements to co-op our childcare so we can all work, or work more, or work the extended hours our workplaces have foisted upon us. And it is so nice that the children all get along. And, too, I have said this before, but I have learned so much as a parent in this environment, as well.

I have been waiting for a long time to get an answer to a question I have posed to someone in my life. It's a tricky question, and I respect the amount of time it is taking for this person to answer, but I am not a patient person. Nor is my life compatible with patience at this point. I am trying to be as patient as I can under the circumstances, and I am proud of myself. This person deserves my patience. Is worthy of gentle treatment from me. And, damnit, when one person in my life is hell-bent on causing trouble, it's nice to know that there are others who know just how to ease my mind.

"Patience"
Rites of Spring

Wanting to understand
To understand a hand thats not my hand
In a moment to be defined
All clear lines of all that, that could mean
And I'm wanting eyes
That wont justify or despise all they see
and a silence inside
To help me decide and hide in me
But oh,
I get so tired of waiting
I get so tired of waiting
I get so tired of waiting
When these skies won't fall
Wanting a chance
Just a chance that cannot be missed
Because in seconds that pass
Never there, it's just another kiss
And I'm wanting a heart
And hearts that won't just beat on their own
Because every beat without purpose or thought
You know..
Makes me feel more alone

And I'm so tired of wating
I get so tired of waiting
Waiting
When the skies won't fall

Posted at 8:36 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

If you aren't reading the Lemony Snicket books...

February 15, 2005

You should be. I am amazed at the quality of the writing and the "morals" that are conveyed. Monk is now keeping a commonplace book so he can write down his thoughts and observations. This is something I have been encouraging him to do for years now, and one book (well, series of books) has done the trick.

It is a most incredible series, and I truly owe a debt of gratitude to Mr. Snicket, aka Daniel Handler. I feel like the books are really helping me pilot the kids through troublesome times of their own. It might sound cheesy, but the grace and dignity with which the Baudelaire orphans deal with the series of unfortunate events is inspiring to them. And there are layers upon layers of yummy literary goodness in all of the books. Snicket seems to go to great pains to subtly but directly avoid the boring stereotypes of children's literature. The bad "guys" aren't all bad. The good "guys" sometimes do bad things. There's even a non-evil stepFATHER in the current book.

As far as morals and education goes, the book teaches much in a totally absorbable format. We've learned all about mushrooms, various cuisines (our unfortunate potluck will be next month, on the 13th of March) and all sorts of literary elements and aphorisms. In this latest book, we learned about "Hobson's choices." All of this is presented without any degree of condescension, and a great deal of humor and fun. And all throughout, the importance of reading and creating is reinforced.

We're on chapter 13 of book the 11th, and I'm somewhat disappointed that I will have to wait until the next book is released before I get another fix. I wonder if he will end the series at 13 books, as each book has 13 chapters. And then what will we do?

I guess Monk will have to invent some unfortunate events of his own!

Posted at 11:16 AM • Comments (6) • TrackBack

Another To-Do List

February 12, 2005

You would not believe how helpful this list has been in keeping track of those larger and/or smaller projects.


Stuff I do every week

Stuff left over from previous weeks

Stuff I've added for this week

Posted at 7:40 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Getting This Out

February 9, 2005

I had a very jarring conversation with my mother last night. After a whole day (and, really, an entire year) of her providing me with supportive advice and encouragement, not to mention the reassurance that I can, indeed, always come home, she veered back to a topic that I have made off limits due to the pain factor.

Let me backtrack. A few years ago, when I was pregnant with Cole, I started seeing a therapist. Things were bad with L, and I had family issues that were coming up. And I needed support. I was also very isolated, and didn't really have anyone to discuss these issues with. I was working long hours at work and doing a lot of traveling, and was quite disconnected from any community save the hipmamas - but even there, I really didn't have a lot of time to post or respond.

At any rate, it was at that point in my life that I finally said something out loud that I had never before said out loud. When I was 4 or 5 years old, my sister behaved inappropriately in my presence, in the bathtub, repeatedly for I don't know how long. She didn't do anything TO me (as my mom and my brother have been anxious to point out) but she, a pubescent at the time, masturbated in front of me while I was in the bathtub with her.

Now, this in itself seems like an easy thing to recover from. I come from a large family, and inappropriate things happened all over the place. My mom was a single parent trying to raise 7 children without any financial support from her two ex-husbands (one of whom left her with three of his children) and we were left in each others' care more than I am sure she would have wanted us to be. At the time that this came up, I was very angry with my mother for allowing this to happen, but with perspective, I'm not even really angry with her anymore.

What I am angry about and...wary of, is the fact that three members of my family, including that very same sister - who I am no longer speaking to due to her behavior towards me in the recent past - are so invested in telling me that this is "Normal" behavior and my reaction to it is wrong/odd/abnormal/hurtful, and tearing the family apart.

It was that denial that caused me to stop speaking to my mom for some time. I was going through the initial stages of separation with L, and I just could not deal with the conflict. I remember I drove out to Chicago to see her over the holidays one year, and I had asked that she honor my desire to see her and NOT my sister...and she violated that agreement, in addition to pestering me the entire time about how I should make amends with her...in addition to going as far as saying I was only doing this for "attention." I left two days early, did not call her, did not return her calls, and did not speak with her for a year. Actually, I did call her when I returned home to let her know that I was safe and that I was sorry, but I just was not able to deal with her issues at the time and needed to give myself some space from my family to work through those issues. That it wasn't a permanent thing, but that it was necessary for me, and I would appreciate it if she would honor it.

Soon after that, my favorite brother sent me a letter calling me all sorts of names, and when I called him to try to make amends, I was berated for my efforts, and told that I was blowing things out of proportion and acting petulant. Which is funny, because that's the kind of behavior that is consistently displayed by the older sister who was guilty of this act in the first place. So, in the midst of my divorce, I lost my mom and my older brother, and my sense of family. I guess that's one of the reasons the initial stages of divorce took so long. I was unwilling to unravel the only family I had left. I think that was about the time 9/11 happened, and I started to feel like there was no sense in making any moves to separate from L because in spite of the fact that he basically never spoke to me except to be judgmental and mean, he was all the family I had left.

I also convinced myself that it didn't matter WHO I was married to, it would end up this way anyway. So I sort of resigned myself and trudged in a direction that I THOUGHT was forward, but was actually something entirely different.

Through more therapy, I realized that I didn't HAVE to resolve this childhood issue with my family by talking to them. I realized that *I* could accept what happened, create a situation in which I felt safe, and move forward. I was able to begin talking to my mother again - making a pact with myself to just not bring it up. To not expect her to do anything but deny and invalidate if I did bring it up. I have had to perry a million references to my sister. I don't want to be hurtful, I don't want to be divisive, but those events hurt me, traumatized me, and changed me...and it's not something I felt safe rectifying with my sister (my mother and brother insisted that it was MY responsibility to confront HER and resolve the issue) and I just wanted to rebuild my family ties the best way I could.

At any rate, I have managed to avoid talking about it with my mother, in spite of the fact that she brings up my sister in just about every conversation that we have, for the past 2 or more years. Until last night. Right when I was at a point where I was ready to surrender to the pull of family, there she was...reminding me that my feelings were invalid, and that I was going to need to be the one to tough it out and get over it. Reenforcing that my feelings about the issues of the past, as well as my issues with my sister in the present are invalid.

I'm not asking for much. I told her, look...I'm not trying to divide the family. I'm not asking for anyone to disown, dislike, or dispense with my sister. However, if one of my children were to come to me with the same issue, I would hope I would validate their feelings, and if I didn't feel like I could resolve the issue, to step back and allow resolution to occur naturally. My mom keeps trying to put herself in the role of mediator, and I am not interested in negotiating with someone who skims my emotional experience off the top and asks me to move forward.

This behavior is bizarre to me. Who are they protecting? I'm not asking to be protected from my sister. I'm only asking to have them admit what is certainly true. How can I possibly forgive my sister for her actions if she won't even acknowledge and/or ask for forgiveness? And, really, if my family finds that behavior appropriate, do I really want my children to be there with them?

I can say that if Cole came to me with the same level of distress about an equivalent experience, I wouldn't be worried for his future well-being, but I WOULD very much be willing to support him and mediate a discussion on equal grounds, or allow him to work things out with his brother on his own - depending upon what was safest for HIM. I'm not sure why, after this...I mean, I am innocent of any inappropriate behavior in this case...why is SHE the one being protected.

What's odd is that my family ought to know better. This couldn't be a more textbook case of a family in denial, and it's amazing to me how everyone is SO invested in clinging to their version of reality rather than even attempting to view mine.

At any rate, more distressing news for me. More decisions to make and rearrange.

BTW - Is there anyone in the Chicago area reading this who homeschools and who might want to form a community with me if I do move back? This whole family background thing won't be so much of an issue once I have reliable childcare exchanges going on.

Posted at 9:54 AM • Comments (11) • TrackBack

Sugar and/but mostly stress

February 9, 2005

First, thanks to those who responded in any way to the post below. I had a bit of a shock today about finances, and it was due to my own dumbassness more than anything, but, well...yeah.

So, anyway, I have known for a long time that this year was going to involve some difficult decisions and potentially some major changes, and I appear to now finally be at the end of the rope. At some point in my life, I'm going to learn to swing to the next rope BEFORE I reach the end, but now I'm sort of dangling here, and the end of the rope is frayed...and I'm having a difficult time balancing myself well enough to get from this precarious situation I find myself in to the next situation.

I do have options, though. And I have had time to think about my options. There is a preferred option and an option that is acceptable, but not preferred. I can't provide any more detail than that.

My main problem right now is that I need to finalize the divorce and it's taking way too long because I'm relying on the good graces of people who are in no way obligated to help me but who are helping me anyway. It's looking like, rather than waiting for those people to come through, I am going to have to take matters into my own hands and just get it taken care of on my own, the way I had planned to do it in the first place.

Everything else that I have to do depends upon the divorce being finalized first. And, to some extent, since what comes next is not exactly pleasant, I have, I am sure, been doing some procrastinating in an unrealistic way about MANY things.

I hate to type this out because I have a feeling my ex might be reading this and I hate to give him the satisfaction of knowing that I've reached the end of my rope largely due to his neglect of financial responsibility, as I believe that's been his intention all along. But, yeah. That's pretty much it. I've come to a place now where I can no longer do this on my own, and I have to either seek help from platonic or romantic friends (beyond the tremendous amount of support I'm already getting from the mamas, who have their own lives to deal with and still manage to provide an enormous amount of help) or I have to move back in with my mom so I can regroup and figure out what to do next.

Ever since the last mediation session, I have been slowly coming to grips with the fact that I am pretty severely traumatized right now. My job, my marriage, my living situation, my financial situation...even my relationship with J - all of it is in a weird state of limbo that is beyond my control, and it is causing me distress. I'm chewing on my fingers and shaking uncontrollably at random intervals. The mediators said "burdened." And, yes. Burdened. Overburdened. Taxed. Stressed. Traumatized. These are the words I would use to describe my state of being. It is to the point now where I can't have an intelligent conversation with anyone because my brain is too preoccupied with survival.

And, while I'm amazingly not severely depressed because of all of this (somewhere along the line, my tendency to get depressed has dissipated, although there are symptoms of malaise currently like letting things like checkbook balancing and other small but important tasks slip...I tend to think that's only partially psychological and largely situational...) I feel very much like I need to very quickly find a place where I can rest and be cared for and comforted for some time before I pick myself up and start over again.

Like I have told Kate. Like I have told my mom. Like I have told J. It's too much. I'm ready to try something different to ease the pressure. Even if that something different is dragging my family 1000 miles away to start over again in my home town in a precarious situation where my feelings about inappropriate events in my childhood are still being actively invalidated to protect I don't even know what.

But I digress. Or regress?

Either way. That's the story. I realize that playing the Sims has been my way of escaping. It's sort of funny, really. I play the same scenario over and over and over again. Sims meet, sims fall in love, sims have babies and raise happy, healthy children. ha ha ha. It's like I'm stuck on that track and I'm trying to create a situation where it WORKS. I suppose if I am going to be cursed with a one-track mind, at least I can be grateful that the track it's on is at least one that is interested in the best interested of the small people it is charged with developing.

Or something.

Anyway, I should really go to bed. I've been sleepwalking the past few days. Getting lots done at work, and very little done at home, and stumbling through conversations with people and trying not to cry and, when I do cry, trying not to look as though I have been crying. I know it will be OK. And I know that I am fortunate to have options, and fortunate to have total strangers wiring me money for no reason other than they enjoy the thoughts I transfer to them electronically as I huddle over my keyboard for warmth. I appreciate that. I am fortunate. I just wish some of that fortune would manifest itself in some form of closure, is all.

Thanks for listening, and thanks for helping.

Posted at 1:21 AM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

Severe Financial Distress.

February 8, 2005

(Three words that say a WHOLE LOT.)

If anyone has anything they can spare, please hit the paypal button on the side. I will sit here and try very hard not to calculate how much money I'm owed in unpaid child support and try not to cry all day while I watch my children run around being oblivious and cute.

Posted at 8:53 AM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

The Weekly to-do list, I am so not getting anything done around here.

February 6, 2005

You would not believe how helpful this list has been in keeping track of those larger and/or smaller projects.


Stuff I do every week

Stuff left over from previous weeks

Stuff I've added for this week

Posted at 10:12 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

I'm alive

February 3, 2005

Hello.

Um, I'm having a difficult time adjusting to my new schedule, and have been very busy at work...and at home. And everyone has been sick, and, you know, my Sims.

But, I will be back. At some point.

Posted at 1:00 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack