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« It's Bark/Bite's Bloggy Birthday... | Main | NOLA »
Getting What I Want.
November 25, 2005
I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately...and the being in between of them. That space between is such a sacred place. Like the space between breaths. I haven't yet reached the euphoric realization that anything is possible...that limitlessness of knowing that I am unchained. While I am working on keeping myself solid & assessing and correcting my damage, I haven't yet put my thoughts into the context of who I am in a relationship. But last night, while I was talking to Susan and David, something clicked. First, I realized I said something totally insensitive and rude about relationships with 20-somethings in a room where I was the only person who was NOT a 20-something (&, thinking about it, I meant it in that conspiratorial "Oh, you're some of the GOOD 20-something's" way, & I'm sure that only made it worse. But it's true I forget with them. Susan is so...well, Susan. She's smart, she's analytical, and she's ageless. David is probably one of the most mature men that I know, at least in terms of earnestness (and, damnit, I respect the hell out of earnestness) - and I know plenty of men who are older than him - and yet he is sweet and playful and...also ageless.)
So, there are a couple of things I figured out I need to work on. For one thing, I *still* need to learn to keep my mouth shut when I'm tempted to talk shit. For another, and this is the direct result of a conversation I had with D in which he was talking about how we can't really affect change in others or the universe so we have to work on ourselves...I need to realize that working on who I am, and putting myself in temporary periods of isolation is fine, but I can't know if it's working until I put myself into social contexts. In other words, I might not be able to control what other people do, but I need to be with other people - sometimes even potentially emotionally unsafe people - in order to further align who I am with who I want to be. It's great to sit here and feel in love with humanity, but it's not so great when I walk out the door into the fray and am barraged with feelings of anger and frustration towards my fellow humans. Which actually happened the other day when I was out and about doing errands and it seemed like the entire world was conspiring to PISS ME OFF. hahahaha.
& also, I can't walk around being of the opinion that I am somehow "above" relationships. I started to slip recently into thinking that I would be fine if I never got involved romantically and sexually with another person ever again. That I would, instead, focus my energy on strengthening the other relationships in my life and forming new relationships untainted by "all that." Which sounds really noble, but I have slowly been realizing that's just another way that I avoid the responsibility that comes with dealing with those difficult situations that I always get hung up on. That, again, if I avoid the contexts in which I tend to become misaligned, I will never be the person I really want to be. Life in a vaccuum does not provide an adequate representation, nor does it allow me to open myself up to LOVING realignment. Thinking about it that way really exposes the damage in the idea that I can live above romance & sex, as it becomes clear that the romance & sex are not what I'm avoiding so much as the responsibility of being accountable to/for another person...and the reason for that avoidance is based on just plain old fear (both fear of failure in myself, and fear that all beings are NOT, in fact, inherently good...and that somehow I'm going to manage to get myself into a relationship with another person who doesn't have my best interests in mind & heart.)
That said, too, I realized that I can be open to a future relationship and still not be one of these people who is constantly scouting for one. However, knowing that I always fall ass-backwards into relationships...and knowing, too, that I tend to always GET exactly what I WANT (consciously or subconsciously) (which is not to say that I WANTED the bad parts of some of my worst relationships, but I certainly ended up with the people I fixed my sights on, for whatever reason I had decided to fix my sights on them) I need to really think about what I want. Specifically. In a relationship. & I'm not talking about just what the other person will be like or bring, but also what I will be encouraged to develop & what the relationship itself will bring to me.
These thoughts should keep me occupied for the 8 or so hours to and from New Orleans. Maybe I'll even come back with yet another damn list!
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Comments
one thing i had not found in all partners but found in Herb and that really floored me is that he encourages anything i want to do or be. i say i want to learn to draw, he'll find me a nice art book. i say i want to quit my well-paying job to be a freelancer, he says go for it. he supports who i am, all of it, even the conflicting stuff, no matter what, without question. i try to do the same for him. it feels safe and respectful and it feels like i can do anything. well, when i think about that instead of getting bogged down by the day-to-day realities of my life;-)
Yes OMG I am sooooooooooooooooo SMART!!!!!!!!!
Hey, check out this bit of genius:
blarfl!@#$@#$%^&^%*^$*$%^*%^*$
So whut you think about that, suckaaaaaaaaa?????
lol, you totally regret it now, don't you?
hahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!!
j/k, but btw, you don't have to watch what you say around me...as i'm sure you've figured out by now (this post being a few days old). I dish it out like double~decker ice kream MUTHAFUCKAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PS, i know "sucka" and "muthafucka" are not terms meant for ladies (or Lainie's for that mattarrrrr), but I'm in one of those signature "blaxploitation" moods...I'm sure you can "digg" what I is saying as Dolemite would say....
And as Mr. Dolemite would sizzay: Meet me at the kornah in one half an hour....can you digg it?
PPS: Dole~who? Dole~MITE MUTHAFUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOL, PPPS, Sorry I fucked up your intensely introspective blog post, but you know how I am...esp. at 5:04 in tha AM. So let me just say "Grrrrrrreat post Lainie...YAAAYYYYY!!!!!!!!" ;)
David? Go to sleep, David.