Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings: Drawing to a close.

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« Zany Musician Friends. | Main | Two by four »

Drawing to a close.

March 25, 2006

Had a nice, mellow day with the kiddos yesterday. We basically hung out all day, listening to music, cleaning the house, dancing around like fools, snuggling, and playing occasional bouts of Mario Cart. At the end of the day, I popped in a movie and had a nice chat with a potential housemate over tea and pizza.

It occurs to me that a lot of things in my life are drawing to a close this month. Rachel leaves at the end of the month, and a housemate will be moving in. I'm not sure which candidate yet, but I have an idea...and the person I think I will be choosing will bring a number of changes, as well. Subtle changes, but changes I need to be prepared for.

In fact, a lot of the ground beneath me is shifting. It's unsettling, but there's still an element of optimism and "what happens next" that I love, once I move through the nausea of not knowing.

I sent an email to a friend last night that I absolutely hated to have to send. I've been waiting around, hoping this issue would resolve itself. Actually, hoping that the other person would work with me to resolve it. But the few times I have attempted to reach out in an attempt to work things out, I feel like I've been mistreated. In this email, I offered one more chance at working things out, but I have a feeling the offer will be ignored...or, worse, responded to with the same total lack of regard and understanding (replaced by pseudo-politeness and distance) that this person has adopted in his dealings with me.

One thing I know about myself that makes me sad is that I will allow myself to be mistreated. It's not a good thing. I find all sorts of ways to justify someone else's behavior towards me, meanwhile cutting all sorts of slack that is not reciprocated. And, the thing is, I had an idea I would get to this point with this friend. For various reasons that aren't really mine to explicate here, I was aware that this would be the potential outcome of our relationship, even down to the timing. I'm happy that I didn't allow my internal predictions of doom to effect what I gave to and received from this person. I believe that I have given exactly enough of an opportunity for this to be mended, and if this final offer is not accepted and acted upon, I truly can be done without feeling any regrets. Perhaps that is the upside of being a terminal slack cutter. Once I reach the end of my rope, and no slack is offered in return, there is no fucking question about letting go.

So, we will see. I'm feeling really brokenhearted, but it's not unbearable. It's the grieving that hope would not allow, and as I lose hope, more grief is allowed in, little by little, until I can say "I have grieved" and move forward. I now have room and time in my life for another good friend, and once I am done grieving, I can look forward to welcoming this presence into my life with the same unabated joy I felt over the departing friend. It's funny, I was talking to a friend of mine the other day who has a much more reserved attitude about love. I was totally unable to understand the concept of "deciding" whether or not to love someone. I truly do fall utterly and completely in love with everyone I meet. It's a wonderful wonderful thing, but it's also incredibly painful. I don't know that I would change it, but perhaps I need to learn to temper it a bit.

In the meantime, there are sick kiddos to care for, much love surrounding me, and lots of work to be done, as always. There is always that work that must be done. But it's the most fun work. The kind where I get messy and emotional and honest and lay myself out for myself to tend to...taking the lessons I have learned to apply them elsewhere. Always.

By Design
Rites of Spring

Time heals all wounds they say
But the self inflicted won't just fade away
And in these shifting tides of blame
why are you suprised to see your name? It's such a drag
Time got the best of you
Things you gave you say were taken
Explanation piled over excuse

And so the story goes
But by your own design
And if you look to me to find you
Then my eyes will pass right though

Believe me I had wished
We could have avoided this
Please dont ask me to explain
All the things that caused your pain
I only want you to realize
Passivity equals compliance
Let it slip right through your hands
Become the victims of other's demands

And so the story goes
But by your own design
And if you look to me to find you
Then my eyes will pass right though
Pass right through

Posted at March 25, 2006 9:31 AM

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